KOF Sitcom Hell
by captainspoon
Summary: Six mismatching KOF fighters share a house and many crazy events. Older story with a slightly changed name.
1. KOF Shitcom Hell

Another ongoing multipart fanfic from me, the usual weird humour involving the well loved, and more obscure characters. This one features a group of mismatched KOF fighters in a sitcom style setting.  
  
KOF S(h)itcom Hell. episode 1.  
  
An ordinary street in Southtown USA. Six fighters, some well known and famous, others less so are walking towards their new house. Reality TV bosses have come up with the idea of getting a group of fighters to share a house, and deal with whatever weird goings on might occur. The prospective housemates are introduced to us:  
  
Terry Bogard- The relatively normal one.  
  
Mai Shiranui- The sex crazed nymphomaniac.  
  
Ralf Jones- The insane, crazy guy.  
  
Kula Diamond- The perky, bubbly kid.  
  
Bob Wilson- The perma-stoned rasta.  
  
Gato- The antisocial loner.  
  
They walk down the street, each carrying luggage, except Mai, who's used her feminine charms to persuade Ralf take hers. The soldier struggles with two people's luggage, Mai has loads, and his own includes heavy weapons. Bob has no idea what's going on, and Terry's had to guide him.  
  
Terry- Is that the house we're supposed to share?!  
  
Mai- It's horrible. All falling apart and stuff.  
  
Ralf- If it wasn't for the money we've been promised at the end, I'd leave.  
  
Bob- It's quite a nice penthouse, man. The garden's lovely.  
  
Drugs are causing Bob to see things different from reality. The house, three floors high, is falling apart, there are cracked windows, and the garden is in an even worse state, with a rusting shopping trolley thrown inside overgrown grass.  
  
Terry- It is not nice, OK Bob. I was told we'd have luxury accomodation.  
  
Kula- Let's not get sad guys. It might be better inside.  
  
Gato- Probably won't be. It'll be shit.  
  
Terry unlocks the door and they go inside cautiously. The group split up to look around. Gato and Kula find the bathroom. It is filthy, and stinks like shit. Even Kula cannot be hopeful any more.  
  
Gato- I hate you Kula. Always so enthusiastic.  
  
Kula- Well, it's got a bath, a toilet, and running water. I think that heap growing mould is a towel.  
  
Gato opens the toilet slowly. It is horrible, like the toilet seen in the film Trainspotting (apologies to readers eating lunch).  
  
Kula- EWWW! That's gross! Looks like K9999's mutated arm in there.  
  
Gato- You're cleaning that. (runs out quickly).  
  
Elsewhere, Terry and Ralf find the living room. There is a three piece suite that doesn't match, and the couch is busted. It also has that hideous wallpaper with the fuzzy brown patterns on yellow background.  
  
Terry- They really expect us to live here. This wasn't shown on the brochure. They're taking the piss.  
  
Ralf- Nothing in my Ikari training has prepared me for this.  
  
Terry- Seen Bob anywhere?  
  
Ralf- I think he found the kitchen.  
  
The kitchen. It's as shitty as the rest of the house, but Bob doesn't care. He has found the cleaning cupboard. His face lights up, excitedly.  
  
Bob- Aw man, chemicals. I'm gonna get high tonight, yeah bred'ren. Mix this stuff up right, and my mind's going on a one way trip to Neptune...  
  
As he goes on, someone else can be heard coming up the stairs. It is Wolfgang Krauser, the landlord, who's provided this accomodation. He heads towards the living room.  
  
Krauser- Hi guys, I see you found the house all right. You like?  
  
Ralf- Where's the luxury we were promised?  
  
Krauser- Hey, those were old brochures we gave you. Now, see that meter in the hall? You put a quarter in their any time you want electricity, rent is $50 a week and if it's not payed straight away, I send the boys round.  
  
Terry- $50 a week for this fucking dump!  
  
Krauser- Sorry, $50 a week EACH. Except Mai, who's paying in her own special way. Now, the phone line only works between 5am and 5.12am...  
  
Mai- Time to collect this week's rent, big boy.  
  
Ralf- Damn, she works fast.  
  
Mai is standing by the door, looking seductive, and slowly removing her top. Her and Krauser leave to the privacy of one of the bedrooms. Terry and Ralf are stunned by the details of this house. How are they going to cope? Kula and Gato join them, and moaning sounds can be heard above.  
  
Kula- What's that noise?  
  
Terry- Mai's way of paying her rent. Not ours though. You guys heard the rules?  
  
Kula- Yeah. Mein Fuhrer went through them all.  
  
Gato- I'm stuck in a shithole, with people I hate...  
  
The others- SHUT UP GATO!  
  
Later on, the six new housemates are sitting around eating a cheap pack of instant noodles each, cooked by Ralf using a flamethrower. Except Mai, who has a really nice looking roast dinner.  
  
Mai- Isn't our new landlord lovely? He ordered this meal specially for me, and you guys should see the bedroom he saved for me. Five star hotels can't compete...  
  
Kula- Can you stop rubbing our faces in it!  
  
Gato- We kill her tonight.  
  
Terry- 'Fraid we can't. Rules say we have to have a sexy housemate, to pull in viewers.  
  
Bob- Screw this. (throws his dinner across the room, and pulls out his bong) Ahh, that's more like it. Where would I be without... Hey, a singing green M&M...  
  
Kula- Don't talk about candy!  
  
Can our group possibly survive, and perhaps even get along? Tune in next episode when the gang try and work out whether Johnny Maximum exists or not. Ahh, high class entertainment. 


	2. Johnny Maximum, fact or fiction?

Episode 2: Johnny Maximum, fact or fiction?  
  
About a week after moving in, the guys have made the house a bit more hospitable, bringing their own stuff in. They are all gathered in the living room, and Ralf has balanced a coke can on Bob's head. The rasta, sitting at the other side is too stoned to notice.  
  
Ralf- Bet I can shoot the can off his head with this revolver.  
  
Mai- Bet you can't. Your a crap shot.  
  
Ralf OK, watch me.  
  
Ralf aims, and then opens fire. The first shot misses by a foot. He shoots again, this time smashing the bong Bob is holding. Miraculously, the bullet gets stuck in a tube, but it is enough to bring Bob back to reality.  
  
Bob- My bong! My best bong! It took me a week to make that, bred'ren! (starts crying) You bastard! You... Hey, where'd those unicycling cats go to?  
  
Terry- Why can't we ever have a normal conversation? Something deep and meaningful.  
  
Gato- 'Cause your all stupid. It's amazing you pricks didn't disappear into obscurity like Michael Max.  
  
Kula- Now there's something I always wondered. Whatever happened to Michael Max?  
  
Mai- I heard he's now one of Athena's backing dancers.  
  
Bob- Nah, he got turned into one of NESTS Kyo clones. K90210.  
  
Ralf- Clark says he was killed by Johnny Maximum.  
  
The mention of that name stops the room for a second. Stories of an armoured American footballer with glowing red eyes are something of an urban legend in Southtown. But most people don't know for sure whether J Max exists or not.  
  
Gato- Johnny Maximum. No such thing. He's a fairy tale.  
  
Kula- Is he the alien who looks like a turd with tentacles?  
  
Ralf- That's Mars People. I'm with Gato on this.  
  
Bob- I smoked some dodgy grass once, and saw him chewing my bathroom ceiling.  
  
Terry- I saw him once. In real life, not like Bob.  
  
Mai- Yeah right. And I'm the fucking Virgin Mary.  
  
Terry- I did. Andy was there too.  
  
Flashback to the late 80s. A teenage Terry and Andy are walking home from a basketball game. Across the street, a group of younger kids are playing American football. The Bogards go across toward them.  
  
Young Terry- Hey! Football's a little girls game!  
  
Young Andy- Only wusses play sport in armour!  
  
They are confident that the kids are younger and weaker than them. Then out of nowhere, a huge man in red and yellow armour appears. His face cannot be seen through the helmet, except for infra red eyes.  
  
Young Andy- Uh... we were only kidding!  
  
Young Terry- Please don't hurt us...  
  
In response, the armoured freak throws Andy fifty feet into the air, before crash landing. Terry is then picked up by his ponytail and booted football style across the street. When they recover, their attacker has vanished into thin air...  
  
Back to the present, and Terry has told the others this story. They are laughing at the whole thing.  
  
Ralf- That's bullshit! It was probably Brian in a stupid outfit.  
  
Mai- Brian wasn't around in those days. He was playing for some non league team, the Kansas Dorothys I think.  
  
Terry- It was true! I'm going to prove it. And then I'm gonna challenge him to a rematch. Nobody beats Terry Bogard twice.  
  
Gato- And how you gonna do that?  
  
Terry- I met a pair of paranormal investigators. I'll ask them to help me out.  
  
Before they can take the piss out of Terry some more, the doorbell rings. Gato goes down to answer it.  
  
Kula- Try and be nice to people this time, Gato.  
  
Gato- Fuck off. Don't like people.  
  
It is Athena and Kensou at the door. They live across the street, and have come to welcome their new neighbours. They are really nice and pleasant.  
  
Athena- Hi! We're your neighbours. I'm Athena, this is Kensou, you might know my songs.  
  
Gato- They're crap. The CD makes a nice drink coaster though.  
  
Kensou- Well, each to their own. Anyway, we've come to say hello, welcome you to the neighbourhood and get to know you.  
  
Athena- You must be Gato. I've heard your a big meanie, but I bet your really sweet in real life.  
  
Gato- I'm not. I've been reading "1001 fun ways to kill someone using your fingers". I've been meaning to try out method 361. You look like suitable victims.  
  
Athena- Good grief, is that the time. We'd better be off Kensou.  
  
Kensou- Uh, yeah. See you soon maybe. Bye.  
  
They run off screaming. Back in the house, Gato has told the others that it was carpet salesmen at the door. Terry is getting ready to go.  
  
Terry- Right. I'm off to prove J Max's existence to the world. Anyone coming.  
  
Ralf- Can't. It's "Jingoistic 80s American Movie Night" Double bill of Rambo 2 and Iron Eagle, introduced by Ronald Regan.  
  
Mai- Me neither. I'm going to Geese's party and seduce a rich criminal.  
  
Bob- I have to make a new bong, man. I've not had a hit for two hours. Any longer and I get depressed.  
  
Kula- About what?  
  
Ralf- He remembers that he's actually a Harvard graduate and whines about his wasted life.  
  
Terry- You'll all be sorry when I make fucking history.  
  
Later on, Terry is in a small transit van with Vanessa and Maxima. They have set themselves up as a paranormal investigation agency after the end of NESTS. Maxima is the true believer, Vanessa the more rational cynic. Their "Hi Tech" equipment is a flashlight and a notebook.  
  
Maxima- So, what are we looking for this time? 18th century samurai girls with pet birds? #%$ shaped aliens with tentacles?  
  
Terry- No. The phantom football player of Southtown. Johnny Maximum.  
  
Vanessa- Bet you it turns out he doesn't actually exist.  
  
Maxima- You say this every week...  
  
Vanessa- It's our company gimmick. I'm the cynic, your the beleiver.  
  
Maxima- Just because in three months of this job we've not had a single paranormal sighting.  
  
Terry- Now wait! You're saying you've yet to have any success with this job.  
  
Maxima- These things take time. Mars people exists. I have files on him in my back pocket. And 18th century samurais do turn up in the modern age too.  
  
Vanessa- We're kinda hoping this'll be our big break.  
  
The investigators argue about whether things exist or not. Terry is pissed off that he didn't check their references first. Mars People walks past, but no one notices. So too does Nakoruru, again unnoticed. Having read in her KOF bio that Vanessa hates ghosts, Terry decides to try something.  
  
Terry- Hey, Vanessa. Look. Isn't that a ghost going past? I think it is, and he's heading this way.  
  
Vanessa- AAAHHHH! GHOST! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!  
  
Maxima- Now who's a believer? There's no ghost. He's bullshitting you.  
  
Vanessa- You fuck. Gave me a heart attack there.  
  
Terry- Aw, get a sense of humour... AAAHHH! J MAX!!! AAHH! THREE OF HIM!!!!  
  
Maxima- This could be it. Bingo.  
  
Terry is terrified. Outside are three people dressed as J Max. After a minute, they pull their helmets off. It is the USA Sports team, laughing hysterically. Vanessa and Maxima also laugh.  
  
Lucky- Told you these outfits would rule.  
  
Brian- Good choice. Let's go to that party now.  
  
Terry- Don't scare me like that!  
  
Vanessa- Now who needs a sense of humour?  
  
Three hours pass by, uneventfully. Terry is bored listening to Vanessa and Maxima discuss turd shaped aliens. Amazingly, the real J Max passed by for a split second, but no one noticed. Terry finally gets up, sick of the world's least successful paranormal investigators. He goes home, really fucked off that he was unable to prove J Max's existence.  
  
End of episode 2. Join us next time when the guys throw a house party with people even stranger than them.  
  
Note to younger readers. Johnny Maximum was an American football character in SNK's old World Heroes series. Michael Max was a Balrog clone in Fatal Fury 1. 


	3. House party SNK style

Episode 3. House party SNK style.  
  
A normal day in the house. Well, as normal as you can get here. Kula tells them that she's bringing friends round.  
  
Kula- I've got Malin and Hotaru coming round later. Friends from school.  
  
Gato- Aw, not Hotaru. She's stalking me, convinced I'm her brother.  
  
Bob- You ARE her brother. You even took a DNA test to prove it, bruv.  
  
Gato Doesn't prove a thing.  
  
Mai- Hey I know. Why don't we have a house party? We've not had one yet. Plenty of peole we could invite over.  
  
Terry- Good idea. I'll make a few calls. Good thing Mary got me a mobile last birthday, the phone still don't work here. Bob, you buy the drinks, Ralf, sort out fireworks.  
  
Ralf- Can I use the big fuckoff nuke I got from Ebay?  
  
The others- NO!  
  
Later on, Kula's friends are the first to turn up. Malin is singing "40 boys in 40 nights" by the Donnas to hereslf. Hotaru spots Gato being his usual unpleasant self.  
  
Hotaru- Big brother! Kula didn't tell me you lived here too! Yay! Now we can be a family again.  
  
Gato- I told you before, I am not your brother. Piss off.  
  
Hotaru- I know you love me really big brother. Come on, give me a hug.  
  
Gato stamps on that ferret what tags along with her. Amazingly it is not dead.  
  
Hotaru- You nearly killed my pet! Well, I'm sure it was an accident. Lock up your sons and brothers, malin's here too.  
  
Malin- Hey Kula. You slept with K' yet?  
  
Kula- I told you. I'm not ready yet. And K' respects that. Because he loves me.  
  
Malin- You'll die an old maid at this rate. Anyway, K' couldn't wait any longer, so I shagged him last week.  
  
Kula- You're joking right.  
  
Malin- I'm not. He liked it when I tied him to the bed with my yo yo. Recognise these?  
  
Malin pulls something out of her pocket. It is a pair of men's underwear. She spins them on her finger. Kula is confused.  
  
Kula- No.  
  
Malin- Shit. Wrong pair. Those're Shingo's. Hold on. (pulls out another pair of pants, spinning them) These?  
  
Kula- They're K's! I'm supposed to be his girlfriend! WAAAHHH!  
  
Malin- You're welcome to any of my men if you like. (sees Mai) OHMYGODOHMYFUCKINGGOD! Mai Shiranui! My hero!  
  
Mai- It's so nice to see young people who appreciate true talent. Not like some people. I told her she should fuck K' but would she listen. NO!  
  
Malin- My absoloute idol! Tell me your secrets! Teach me the trick with the ping pong balls! Please?!  
  
Southton's loosest women talk sex in very graphic detail. Kula has her hands around her ears singing "La la la la, I can't hear you!" Elsewhere, the drinks are ready and more guests arrive. Duck King comes with a set of decks, having been hired as the DJ. He is debuting some new material, and plugging his next gig at every opportunity. Several people are gathered round him.  
  
Duck- You guys'll be there, right? Tickets only $12, new stuff by me, with guest MC Marco Roduriguez debuting. It's gonna be wicked, I'm telling you.  
  
Joe- I'm happy for you man. No more MC Hammer covers, right.  
  
Duck- No. My agent's idea. He said they would get me more chart sales of my last album.  
  
Andy- I like MC Hammer. He's wicked.  
  
Joe- Fuck off Andy.  
  
Ramon- Hey Duck. Got a little job if your interested.  
  
Duck- Yeah, what is it.  
  
Ramon- See, me and the Griffon are trying out a new bad guy image for our wrestling tag team. We need someone to do the entrance music.  
  
Bob- What's the gimmick going to be?  
  
Ramon- It's a stereotypical Latino villain "Lie, Cheat and Steal" gimmick. We need to rip off the Los Guerross theme, but with "Los Ramon et la Griffon" instead.  
  
Everywhere in the living room, people are enjoying the atmosphere. There is drinking, music, dirty jokes, drugs, flirting, the usual. Ralf's attempt at fireworks proved disastrous. Perhaps it was the dynamite he attached to it, but it blew up in his face, injuring him much to everyone's amusement.  
  
Everyone is having a good time, except Gato who has shut himself away. No one is prepared for the bad news Terry is about to give.  
  
Terry- Guys, stop a minute. I got some fucked up news. That old fart Tung Fu Rue has invited himself over.  
  
Mai- NOOO! Not him!  
  
Bob- Say it ain't so!  
  
The room freezes. Then one by one, guests start making their way out.  
  
Joe- Uh, sorry Terry. Just heard that my granny's died.  
  
Duck- What a coincidence. Mine too.  
  
Yuri- Must be something going round. My nan's snuffed it too.  
  
Athena- Getting a phsycic message. What's that, my grandma's dead.  
  
Andy- My granny's kicked the bucket too.  
  
Terry- Our nan died years ago. Hey, where's everyone going?  
  
Everyone leaves, Malin and Jae Hoon emerge from under the table, half dressed. Like the others, their excuse is that their grannies have died.  
  
Hotaru- Come on big brother. Where are you. Our grandmother's just died.  
  
Gato- You heard my little sister. I'd better go.  
  
Ralf- You're not going anywhere. You live here.  
  
Kula- If we have suffer Tung, then so do you.  
  
Gato- Shit!  
  
Mai- How am I supposed to seduce someone now? All those available guests now going home.  
  
Terry- My girlfriend Blue Mary rang. She was gonna come, but now...  
  
Bob- Let me guess. Her granny died?  
  
Terry- Yeah.  
  
Now everybody but the six housemates have left. Shortly afterwards, Tung Fu Rue arrives. He is a boring old fart, and unfortunately a master of confusing, overlong, tedious stories that make no sense.  
  
Tung- Hello young people. Well, where's this party that you're supposed to be having?  
  
Terry- It finished. Your late.  
  
Bob- Guess you better go home, bred'ren.  
  
Tung- Oh, not at all. I find it a nicer atmosphere with just a few close friends. Now, did I ever tell you about my days in the war...  
  
The others (under their breath)- Damn!  
  
Hours have gone past, and the old geezer is still going on. Nothing makes sense, but Tung's old man mind can't figure that out. The guys are bored shitless, Ralf looking intently at a handgun to shoot himself. Bob has tried to get high, but Tung's droning voice makes even this unpleasant, and Kula has tried jamming blocks of ice in her ears, without much luck.  
  
Tung- And there I was, during world war 12, which you understand took place in a small Canadian village... this was back in the 20s when Yuri was African and Benimaru was a grunge rock singer... did I ever tell you that Axel Hawk was the first man on Jupiter? Top CIA secret that... now then, about Kasumi who you must know is John Crawley's aunt...  
  
On and on the senseless drivel went. Like most old people, Tung has the ability to drag these meaningless stories on for ages. The guys are all fast asleep, and we'll have to leave them like that until next episode 'cause the old fart's still going, showing no signs of stopping.  
  
Tune in next time when due to rent, the guys have no money and run out of food. What will they resort to? 


	4. Food makes us strong Wish we had some

Episode 4. Food makes us strong. Wish we had some.  
  
The guys are in King's bar "La Illusion" drinking. They are all drinking beers except Kula who's too young. Not having paid the rent for a couple of weeks, they have more money than usual, and are having a good time.  
  
Terry- Hey King, get us another round. The same again.  
  
King- Haven't you guys had enough? Especially Ralf (turns to see Ralf lying there hugging a bar stool).  
  
Ralf- You know what, you're my best friend in... (hears King) I can tell you now, I am absoloutely fuckin', uhh, forgot what I was gonna say. Anyway, stool...  
  
Mai- Ignore him. We're still sober. Honest.  
  
King- "Sigh" It's your money.  
  
Kula- Got that right. That old fart Krauser hasn't realised we've not paid rent.  
  
Bob- Yeah. Purple haired old... uh, hi Krauser. How's life?  
  
Krauser comes in and approaches the group. He is very angry and wants his rent money.  
  
Krauser- Where's the rent you pricks owe me?  
  
Terry- Uh, about the rent, see...  
  
Krauser- I don't want excuses. I've got a few friends coming round to help me collect.  
  
Gato- Oh yeah. You and who's army?  
  
King- Guys. Look out the window.  
  
They look. Outside a van pulls over. Out of that van step Billy Kane, Mr Big, Ryuji Yamazaki, Mature, Vice, Eiji Kisagari, John Crawley, Laurence Blood, Jack Turner and Freeman. This is Krausers rent collection crew, and they're making their way inside the bar. The housemates are now terrified.  
  
Kula- Those guys are dangerous! They'll kill us!  
  
Bob- Now we'll have to pay the rent!  
  
Billy- Alright, where's Krauser's money? Make it quick and easy.  
  
Vice- Yeah. We're supposed to be lynching NESTS agents.  
  
Terry- Uh, we were intending to pay. Truthfully.  
  
Mai- I still get to pay in my own special way, right Krauser?  
  
Krauser- Course you do Mai. Meet me in the gents toilets in five minutes.  
  
Ralf- OK, now I'm mad. Which one of you sissies wants to fight with me first? Anyone?  
  
Being more drunk than the others, Ralf has got up and challenged the mob to fight him. He does not realise the danger he's in, and charges them, singing "Let's lynch the landlord" by the Dead Kennedys. His opponents all pile on him and beat the shit out of him. Finally, Yamazaki and Mr Big throw him out of the glass window, smashing it.  
  
Billy- Who's next?  
  
Bob- Not us, bruv. Chill.  
  
King- My window! That's gonna cost you guys.  
  
Krauser- Sorry about that. I'll pay you back out of their rent.  
  
King- In that case, I'm joining your little mob. (grabs Kula by the throat) Nothing personal guys, we're still friends. But give the gang their money, or I snap her neck.  
  
Terry- Traitor. I'm boycotting this bar, until at least next week.  
  
Gato- You tell her Terry. We won't be able to afford to come.  
  
Yamazaki- Come on. Get your cashcards ready, we're going to get our money.  
  
Mai- Remember Krauser. Gent's toilets. I'm open for business.  
  
John- Not cubicle two. I'm seeing Jenet there.  
  
Mai- Make it the disabled. More room.  
  
The housemates, except for Mai are pulled up and frogmarched to the nearest cash machine. Even Ralf has been picked up to pay. There were many tears shed and pleas made in vain as Terry, Kula, Ralf, Bob and Gato paid a whole load of overdue rent. Much later, they are back home, broke and having found there is no food in the house.  
  
Terry- Damn that Krauser guy! We needed that money for food. How are we gonna eat?  
  
Bob- Worse than that, I'm all out of drugs. What am I meant to do man, smoke bits of the carpet!  
  
Gato- Mai's got money.  
  
Mai- About that. I went a bit overboard on my shopping spree yesterday. I've run out now.  
  
Kula- Useless bimbo.  
  
Terry- Can we get back to the subject. We're out of food. We have no money 'till the end of the week. That's four days away. We'll starve.  
  
Mai- I'm sure we can scavenge something.  
  
Two hours of thorough searching reveal a green moldy chicken strip, a brussel sprout and a half chewed sweet. Their attempt to turn this into a casserole were revolting, and they were still starving. Ralf has an idea to call for pizzas, and have Mai seduce the pizza boy. It seems like a good idea, until they hear the door ring, and Mai answers wearing a see through nightie. Unfortunately, the pizza boy is the very homosexual Ash Crimson.  
  
Ash- Hello. Pizza delivery. Can you introduce me to the man on the phone. He has a VERY sexy voice. So manly.  
  
Mai- Ralf, our pizza boy's gay. This isn't gonna work.  
  
Ash- You mean Ralf Jones, the Ikari mercenary. Ooh, I do love a big muscly macho man. Rough around the edges...  
  
Mai- Ralf. Come down here. I can't seduce him. He seems to like you though.  
  
Ralf- AAHHH! Not him! Uhh, wrong house, no... we didn't order any pizzas, bye. (slams door on Ash).  
  
Ash- Ralf, come back! You could always do like Clark did and pretend I'm Angel. Ah well, I'll go and see if Clark's free now.  
  
Mai- We could have had free pizzas! All you had to do was shag him! Guys, Ralf just lost us our pizzas.  
  
After hearing this, the rest of them are angry at Ralf. Now, they are also so hungry that they've decied on canibalism. Ralf has been chosen as their dinner, having cost them free pizzas, as well as being the biggest of the group. They've tied him to the kitchen table and stand around him with sharp cutlery.  
  
Ralf- You can't eat me, I'm your friend. One of the gang.  
  
Terry- No time for sentiment, we're hungry.  
  
Bob- You could have got us fucking pizzas, but NO.  
  
Ralf- Why not eat Kula, or Bob, or anyone else?  
  
Terry- Kula's too small, Bob's full of weird drugs, I'm normal, only Mai can work the oven, and Gato'll be our next meal.  
  
Gato- You just try it.  
  
Kula- Don't underestimate starving people.  
  
Bob- Enough of this, let's eat.  
  
Ralf- NOOOO!  
  
They are just about to get ready to carve him up when the doorbell rings. Kula answers and it is Athena and Kensou. They come up to the kitchen before Kula can tell them to piss off.  
  
Athena- Hello. It's only us, your friendly neighbours.  
  
Kensou- Just thought we'd pop in to say hi.  
  
Gato- Fuck off.  
  
Kensou- Isn't he funny. Hey, why's Ralf tied to the table?  
  
Athena- I'm sure you're having lots of fun, whatever the reason.  
  
Terry- (whispering to Mai and Bob) Let's eat these two. (to the guests) Uh, yeah, sit yourselves down. We'd offer you coffee, but we're broke and can't afford it.  
  
Ahtena- OK, but we can't stay long. (Mai stands behind them with a hammer) We should get together more often. You guys are great.  
  
Kensou- Yeah, we're having a party at the end of the week, you guys should come.  
  
After fifteen minutes chat, Athena and Kensou get up. They say their goodbyes and leave, Mai having been unable to bring herself to knock them out.  
  
Mai- They were just so nice and friendly. I couldn't just let them be eaten. Besides, who else are we gonna borrow stuff from without having to give it back.  
  
Gato- Niceness is not a reason to let someone live. In fact, nice people deserve to die more.  
  
Terry- Let's not argue. We've still got Ralf to eat.  
  
Ralf- Oh shit! This looks like the end.  
  
Again they are interrupted as they're about to eat their live human meal. This time, there is a loud crash outside in the garden. They look out to see a flying saucer wrecked, and a turd shaped alien with tentacles walk out of it. Mars People has crash landed in their garden, unsure what to do next. The guys stare at it hungrily, all thinking the same thoughts.  
  
Kula- Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Terry- What, that a bit of that alien's head would be nice grilled?  
  
Kula- I was thinking more crispy fried tentacle, but yeah.  
  
Ralf- Does that mean I get to live? Can I keep the alien's ray gun for my weapon collection?  
  
All- LET'S GET IT! HUNT IT DOWN AND EAT IT!  
  
Ralf is untied, and all six housemates charge into the garden. Mars People doesn't have a prayer against six starving KOF fighters armed with cutlery. It is quickly killed, chopped up, and makes a very fine meal for the next few days until payday. They have also unkowingly saved the planet from a Martian invasion.  
  
End of episode 4. Tune in next time when Terry tries to get rid of his embarrasing housemates for a romantic weekend with Blue Mary.  
  
Oh, shit! I've just been arrested for cruelty to turd shaped aliens with tentacles. 


	5. Terry's romantic weekend attempt

Episode 5. Terry's romantic weekend attempt.  
  
Another day in the house. Terry is on his moblie to Blue Mary, his girlfriend. They have been exchanging romantic sweet nothings for two hours. Gato is also in the room, listening to the whole thing. Mary then say something that surprises Terry. He is shocked for a minute.  
  
Gato- Let me guess, she's pregnant? She's having an affair with Andy?  
  
Terry- NO! Shut up you bastard! (back on phone) No, not you, you're not a bastard. So, you're saying you wanna come here? Tonight? For a romantic weekend, just us two? Yeah, sure. It'll be great, love you, bye. (phone conversation ends)  
  
Gato- Finally. God, you two go on.  
  
Terry- Aw shut up. Just 'cause everyone hates you.  
  
Gato- And I hate everyone. So we're all even. So she's coming here, and you two are gonna have a romantic weekend?  
  
Terry- That's the idea, just me and Mary... (looks around the house, and thinks of his fellow housemates) Oh, shit. I can't bring her here.  
  
They then hear an explosion outside. Terry looks out of the window to see Ralf and Kula in the garden. They are playing golf using live hand grenades, and have accidentally destroyed two cars, five trees and a lamppost, as well as Athena and Kensou's greenhouse across the street.  
  
Kula- Oops. There goes the neighbours greenhouse. Do I get extra points for that?  
  
Ralf- Yeah, course you do. Good thing those guys are too nice to come and complain.  
  
Terry- What's Mary going to think of me, staying here with these guys in a shitty falling apart house. She'll dump me for sure. Oh God, what now!?  
  
In the next room, Terry can hear excited moaning, gasping and shouting. Terry remembers Mai coming in earlier with Heidern.  
  
Terry- I though you said you were inviting him in for coffee?  
  
Mai- Oh yes, ooh... Aw, Terry, fuck off! You'll ruin the mood... Ahh yes Heidern, give it to me...  
  
Bob- Next time she brings a man over, she should give you some money and send you to the cinema.  
  
Terry- Shut up. And how are you planning to embarass me on my romantic weekend here?  
  
Bob- A romantic weekend here? Ha, good luck to ya. Anyway, my old friend Duo Lon's coming. From my Harvard days.  
  
Terry- He can't. This is supposed to be me and Mary's time alone.  
  
Bob- You can join us if you like. Plenty of drugs to go round.  
  
A bit later, Terry has gathered the other housemates in the living room. Hedern has gone, and Mai is still half dressed.  
  
Ralf- So why have you gathered us here, Terry?  
  
Terry- As some of you know, Mary's coming round tonight and we're spending the weekend together.  
  
Kula- So. Why should we care?  
  
Terry- And since you guys'll only humiliate me, I want you to disappear for a couple of days.  
  
Ralf- Go fuck yourself Terry.  
  
Bob- Yeah, I got Duo Lon coming round later.  
  
Terry- Look, the house is bad enough without you guys around. (to Bob) I don't want your drugs, (to Ralf) any explosions from you, (to Mai) you're not having any strange men over, (to Gato) no one likes you anyway...  
  
Kula- What about me. Nothing wrong with me, I'm cute and innocent.  
  
Mai- God, somebody strangle her. Please.  
  
The group are outraged at Terry's demands. They get up to attack him, but before they can, the doorbell rings. All of them look out of the window. It is Mary, just pulled over on her motorbike.  
  
Terry- OH GOD! She's here. Go, the lot of you!  
  
Mai- I'm not going anywhere.  
  
Ralf- Me neither.  
  
Terry- (thinking quickly) Oh guys. Remember that $100 I said I lost yeaterday? I just remembered where it was. In that weird cupboard we never use, with the steel door.  
  
Kula- Finders keepers! I'm gonna get it!  
  
Bob- No way, that cash is mine!  
  
Kula, Bob, Gato, Mai and Ralf stampede towards the cupboard Terry mentioned. After much pushing and shoving, they are all inside, which is when Terry locks them in. After this, our prospective Romeo goes down to answer the door on his beloved girlfriend.  
  
Mary- About time. I was wondering where you'd got to. Anyway, I've got the whole weekend off. We can fianlly spend some quality time together.  
  
Terry- Come in. Sorry it looks kinda crap. I'm having it redecorated you know.  
  
Mary- And have all those loonies your sharing this place with fucked off?  
  
Terry- Yep, it's just us. We can do whatever we want. In private. However dirty we like.  
  
Ralf- Let us out you bastard!  
  
Mai- We're gonna get you for this!  
  
Mary- What was that? That noise.  
  
Terry- Oh, it's nothing. Come on upstairs.  
  
The lovers go up the staircase, Terry stopping on the way to kick the cupboard door to drown out his housemates. Entering the living room, Terry realises that this is no place to entertain a lady. Having heard that Mai has the nicest room (the other housemates have never seen it). he decides to take her there. They enter for the first time, and are amazed exactly how luxurious it is.  
  
Mary- WOW! OH MY GOD TERRY! You never told me you had a four poster bed with real silk sheets!  
  
Terry- Uh... yeah. JESUS! She's got an on suite jaccuzi too! And a whole case of champagne!  
  
Mary- Who's she? You been seeing someone else?  
  
Terry- Oh no. I mean, uh, the woman who lived here before us. I never noticed the jaccuzi before now.  
  
Mary- Oh right. That's OK. I can think of a few things we can do in here, huh? Aw crap, it's your doorbell.  
  
Terry, annoyed, goes down to see who it is. It is Bob's Harvard buddy Duo Lon. A miserable pasty faced looking goth, difficult to tell his gender. Terry is surprised, the Duo Lon he'd seen in an old photo wwas an oriental rasta with dreadlocks and a beard. They took a gap year trip to India, where they discovered spiritual enlightement, and good drugs.  
  
Terry- And who are you.  
  
Duo Lon- I'm here to see Bob. Chat about our university days, and consume a lot of hard drugs.  
  
Terry- You're Duo Lon! You don't look a thing like your photos.  
  
Duo Lon- I've changed a lot since then. Discovered the goth scene, and genderbending. I used to be the world's only oriental rastafarian in our Harvard days.  
  
Terry- Well, Bob's having a drug party in our cupboard. You can join him if you like.  
  
Duo Lon- Started without me? What a shame.  
  
Terry leads the unwanted goth to the cupboard containing his housemates. He then shoves Duo Lon inside and locks him in there too. As Terry goes up to spend quality time with Mary, Bob is heard remarking at his old mate's drastic change of appearance since uni.  
  
Mary- Who was that? Took a while.  
  
Terry- Sorry baby. It was those damn door to door Christians, you know what they're like?  
  
Mary- Yeah, they are a pain in the arse. So now, where were we... (doorbell goes again) Aw what now!?  
  
Terry- Whoever it is, they are gonna die! No one interrupts me when I'm about to get hot sex.  
  
Krauser's voice- I'm here for rent!  
  
Terry- Rent's not due until tuesday! Go home!  
  
Krauser's voice- Every day's good for paying rent. Besides, I had a bad bet on the horses and I'm broke.  
  
Mary- Just go and deal with him, so we can get on.  
  
Terry- Oh alright.  
  
Our luckless lover boy goes down to see the landlord. They make a deal where Terry pays now, and Krauser will piss off until next week. Thinking everything's under control, he goes back up the stairs. On his way however, he discovers the cupboard door broken open, and the guys having escaped. Panicking, Terry races up to Mai's luxury bedroom where he left Mary.  
  
Ralf- Hi Terry.  
  
Kula- We came to say hello to Mary.  
  
Gato- Have you given her one her yet then?  
  
Terry- NOOO! You guys were supposed to stay hidden out of view. You bastards are too embarrassing to have let loose when I'm trying to romance Mary!  
  
Mary- Terry, make the strange people go away. I don't want them here with us, this was meant to be you and me!  
  
Mai- AHEM! This is my room. None of you were supposed to see the luxury I live in, and entertain all my men in.  
  
Mary- You mean Mai's had all her various strange men in this bed? EWW! And what are the rasta man and the gothy whatever gender it is doing in the jaccuzi? Are those illegal drugs? I may be off duty, but I'm still a cop!  
  
Bob- Come in with us Mary. We saved a spliff especially for you and Terry to share. Romantically like. Yeah man.  
  
Bob and Duo Lon share a joint in the jaccuzi. They discuss the meaning of life, and whether God looks more like Beyonce, or Fairuza Balk from The Craft. Ralf and Gato have helped themselves to the champagne, and downed the lot. Kula is bouncing up and down on the bed while Mai sickens Mary with graphic descriptions of some of the things she's done with men in that very bed.  
  
Mary- That's it! Terry, I'm calling this weekend off! I can't handle these people. I don't want to see you again, while you're living here with them! I'm going now!  
  
Terry- But... but, Mary... aw, what's the use. You little shits have ruined my weekend, and my chance of sex!  
  
Kula- Don't say we didn't warn ya. We told you you'd pay for locking us in the weird cupboard.  
  
Mary is out in the garden, angrily leaving, despite Terry's pleas. Before she can get to her bike however, the vehicle explodes without warning.  
  
Mary- YOU BASTARDS!!!! Terry, you're dumped!!!  
  
Terry- WHAT!? NO! alright, who blew up her bike?  
  
Ralf- Uhh, must be that claymore me and Gato put on the side. We thought it would be a cool prank.  
  
Gato- I'm sure she'll see the funny side of it.  
  
Terry- You bastards have ruined my life! I hate you all and if it wasn't for the money we'll be paid at the end of this, I'd leave now!  
  
Duo Lon- God, what's his problem? Hey man, relax, take a puff of this spliff. Those mountaineering elephants will help take your mind off things...  
  
Bob- Ah yeah, bruv. Ooh look, donkeys in business suits...  
  
End of episode 5. In our next unexciting installment, Kula is forcibly sent back to school. Like the rest of the series, it'll be the very height of cultural imporatance. 


	6. The miseducation of Kula Diamond

Episode 6. The miseducation of Kula Diamond.  
  
Another seemingly uneventful morning at the house. Eight am and most people are still asleep. Except Kula who got up early to watch kids TV. There is a knock at the door, and a very gay voice shouting "Letter for Kula Diamond". She goes down to get it, and is greeted by Ash Crimson in a postman's uniform.  
  
Kula- What'd you want? I'm missing Spongebob Squarepants for this.  
  
Ash- Is that any way to greet your friendly neighbourhood homosexual mailman?  
  
Kula- Didn't you used to be a pizza boy?  
  
Ash- Yes, but all that greasy food just isn't my thing. Besides, this uniform's far cuter, shows off the shape of my arse really nicely. I'm real boy bait, me.  
  
Kula- Whatever. Gimme the letter.  
  
Ash- Dearie me, would it kill you to be polite? Just one more reason why I'm all, 100% gay.  
  
Kula takes the letter and slams the door in Ash's face. Opening it, she is horrified at the news when she reads it. Her screaming wakes up the rest of the house.  
  
Kula- NOOOOO! NOT THIS! PLEASE!  
  
Terry- (half asleep) Wh, what. Don't yell like that.  
  
Mai- (waking up) Some of us were very busy last night.  
  
Bob- Yeah, I could hear you and Yashiro. What's with Kula?  
  
Kula- It's the worst news ever! Look!  
  
Terry- (reading through) Kula has not attended school for three months, blah blah, we are sending the truant officer to collect her at 8.30am today.  
  
Mai- Aw shit. We completely forgot you had to still go to school. It's nearly 8.30 now.  
  
Gato- We can get rid of her now. Annoying brat.  
  
Kula- I don't wanna go to school. I like hanging here with you guys, getting up to all sorts of crazy stuff.  
  
The doorbell rings. Ralf is sent to answer it with Kula, and it is Heidern. A few nameless armed troopers stand behind him.  
  
Heidern- We've come for Kula Diamond.  
  
Ralf- SIR!? You're the truant officer? Fuck!  
  
Heidern- It's been a slow week, and this job came up. Now then young Kula, you've been a naughty girl. Missing three months of school.  
  
Kula- Uhh, I'm not Kula. I'm, uhh, Seniorita Kuliana. I'm a latino, from, hmm, wherever latinos come from.  
  
Heidern- If you'd been studying, you might learn to lie more convincingly. Come on (lifts the girl over his shoulder) education.  
  
Ralf- Let her off. She doesn't need an education. I never had an education and I get by alright.  
  
Heidern- You and Clark were the morons who went on a mission to Iraq equipped with a canoe, winter coats and a Gaelic phrasebook.  
  
Ralf- Uh, point taken.  
  
Kula is thrown into an army truck and forcibly driven off to school. Later, she arrives under armed escort to her classroom at Southtown High School. Seth is the teacher, and fellow students include Hotaru, Malin, Shingo, Chris, Rock Howard, Dong Hwan, Jae Hoon and Kasumi Todo.  
  
Heidern- I've brought our little truant back for class.  
  
Seth- Thanks. Uh, Heidern, was the armed escort really nessecary for her?  
  
Heidern- Oh yeah. She's been learning bad words living in that house with those wasters. First rule of the army, never leave anything to chance.  
  
Seth- Oh Kay then. Just go to the principal's office to collect your pay. Kula, please take your seat, we have a lot of catching up to do with you. Now then class, could somebody tell me the answer to seven times three?  
  
Shingo- I know! I know!  
  
Seth- "sigh" What is it.  
  
Shingo- Seventy three. I'm right aren't I?  
  
Seth groans, and the rest of the class laugh at Shingo. Shingo is the class moron here.  
  
Shingo- It's true. If you have a seven, and a three. Put them together, and the number's seventy three.  
  
Seth- Shingo, you're suppoesed to times them. Not your retarded version of addition.  
  
Shingo- You never mentioned time. But, if the big hand is on the seven, and the little hand on the three...  
  
Hotaru- Shut up Shingo, you spazz. Sir, the answer's thirty five, isn't it?  
  
Seth- Yes. Now class, your all going to sit in silence and work on this maths sheet, while I go and take a cigarrete break on the sly.  
  
Malin- Aw, maths. (whispering) Hey, Rock. I'll fuck you in the storeroom at break if you let me copy your answers.  
  
Rock- OK, deal. Wear your little school uniform.  
  
Kula is bored out of her mind with these crappy sums. Everyone sits there in silence, except Shingo who stuck pens in his ears and pushed too far. Kula wonders whether she should do anything.  
  
Shingo- AAH! I'm bleeding! OWW! Pain!  
  
Hotaru- Ignore him, he always does stupid shit like this.  
  
Chris- You should have been here for science when Shingo set himself on fire. Where've you been Kula?  
  
Hotaru- How's life in that weird house. How's big brother Gato? Does he talk about me fondly? AWW he's so nice.  
  
Kula- Gato's phsyco since you ask. It's weird in that house, but we have some good times. I'll bet they're really missing me.  
  
Back at the house, the guys lounge around watching daytime TV. It is a crappy chat show, and the guest is Whip in her uniform and a Nazi SS hat.  
  
Presenter (TV)- And exactly how long have you been a dominatrix?  
  
Whip (TV)- It all started when I did a brief spell in a women's prison. You had to show everyone who was in charge there, or you'd end up as someone's bitch. Only my whip'd been confiscated there, so for a while my name was "Knotted Bedsheet".  
  
Bob- Did you know any of this Ralf?  
  
Ralf- Nope. Mind you, the whole women's prison thing happened when she stopped hanging out with us.  
  
Whip (TV)- ... I currently have two slaves, one male one female. You might know them, Krizalid and Angel? Anyway, I keep them chained up naked in my closet, beat them every hour and...  
  
They guys are interrupted by a knock on the door. Terry is sent to answer it, and sees K9999 and Shen Wu running away laughing manically.  
  
Shen Wu- We sure showed them. Knocking on their door and running away. We're so EVIL!  
  
K9999- Yeah, this is better than the time we scored the paintwork on King's car with my drill arm.  
  
Shen Wu- Sure is, partner in crime. She beat us up after that, not gonna happen now... uh oh.  
  
Terry- What do you two fuck ups want?  
  
K9999- That's no way to talk to Southtown's latest EVIL alliance. Team Unoriginality! And we've struck again!  
  
Shen Wu- So don't mess with us. 'Cause we're BAD!  
  
Mai- I'll give you two retards bad in a minute.  
  
K9999- Today, your front door, tomorrow, the world! HA!  
  
Terry- I've had enough of fifth rate wannabe bad guys.  
  
Mai- Let's kick the shit out of this Team Unoriginality.  
  
And so Team Unoriginality receives yet another savage arse kicking. Five minutes later, they limp off, swearing vengance in the form of farting in Mai's handbag. This gets them another vicious beating. before her and Terry go home. Kula has arrived back from school with friends.  
  
Terry- hey Kula. How was school?  
  
Kula- Crap. I didn't learn a thing.  
  
Ralf- that's my girl. I'm so proud.  
  
Hotaru- Where's Gato? HI BIG BROTHER! Big hug! It's so nice to see you. Take me to the funfair this friday!  
  
Gato- No. I'm slaughtering fuzzy baby animals friday.  
  
Hotaru- He's just kidding, aren't you?  
  
Bob- Be nice if he was. Hey, what you doin' with my bong sister girl?  
  
Malin- I wanna try it. I'll make it up to you, if you know what I mean.  
  
Bob- Smoke all you like girl.  
  
And so ends another unique day with our housemates. Kula is busy telling people what she didn't learn at school today and Gato is trying to figure out how to get rid of Hotaru for good.  
  
Tune in next episode when, due to running out of ideas, the author will use the tired old US sitcom trick of the "old clips" episode. Sitcom law says I have to have one. 


	7. Insert your own title here

Episode 7. Insert your own title here.  
  
The Pao Pao cafe. Bob Wilson's place of work. He is returning after a month away, and his boss, Richard Meyer in very annoyed. Joe and Duck are customers.  
  
Richard- Bob! Where the hell have you been? And so help me, if you say "In magic fairy land with Jim Morrison" again...  
  
Bob- Chill, bred'ren. Just 'cause you were only ever in one Fatal Fury. No need to take it out on me.  
  
Richard- That has nothing to do with it. I'm not jealous of a waster like you being picked over me?  
  
Joe- Hey Richard. Hows about some service?  
  
Duck- Yeah, where's my choclate pudding?  
  
Richard- Sorry guys. My work experience boy is a complete fuck head.  
  
Bob and Richard enter the kitchen to see Shingo, the work experience boy. For some reason, he is standing in a saucepan of boiling water on the oven, and in real pain.  
  
Richard- Shingo!? What in Orochi's name are you doing this time?  
  
Bob- Oh shit, him. Kula told me about him.  
  
Shingo- AIIEEE! I'm making a chocolate pudding for the customers. The tin says "stand in boiling water for 10 minutes" OWWW!  
  
Bob- Your supposed to leave the tin to stand in the water.  
  
Richard- Bob, please. Take over, sort it out. I'm desperate, I'll pay double, I'll even let you have your bong and reggae records in the kitchen.  
  
Bob- Get rid of retard boy and it's a deal.  
  
Shingo- But the pudding's, AAHH, only half way done. Seth sent me here because he says he had a bad meal here, and wants his own back. AAAIIIIEEEEE!  
  
Terry, Ralf, Mai and Gato sit in King's bar planning what to do today. Bob had to go back to work, and Kula is on school work experience. King sits with them, having been forgiven for episode 4.  
  
Terry- It's only us four. Three if we get rid of Gato, 'cause nobody likes him. What shall we do today?  
  
Gato- Fuck off. It's not as if I like you guys anyway.  
  
Ralf- How about we go to the wrestling? I got tickets.  
  
Mai- Where did you get them? Didn't think you had money.  
  
Ralf- I didn't. Kula's stupid friend Shingo won them, and I got him to trade them for a dried up turd on a stick.  
  
Terry- What was Kula's work experience again?  
  
Mai- She's doing two weeks in the Ikaris. I offered her a better job as a "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (tm), but no.  
  
King- What the hell's a "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (tm)?  
  
Mai- Basically a mini me, dressed in one of my outfits. My own little slave, chibiness, dancing and minimal intelligence. I don't get how she could refuse?  
  
They are interrupted by Ryo "nothing at all like Ryu&Ken" Sakazaki, who's come yet again to declare his love for King. He has a bunch of dead looking daffodils and a Mars bar.  
  
Ryo- King, my love. Let me take you out tonight. I got you flowers and chocolate. What do you say?  
  
King- Didn't I ban you from here? And what are those pathetic excuses for flowers.  
  
Ryo- There all I could afford. The Kyokugen gym's had a bad few months.  
  
Terry- Ryo, leave. King's only gonna kick you're arse again.  
  
Ryo- But it'll be worth it. Spending time with my beloved.  
  
Gato- Would it kill you to wash that karate outfit?  
  
King- Ryo, you've got three seconds to get the fuck out of here, or I kick your head in again. One, Two...  
  
Ryo hasn't left by the count of three. This earns him a vicious kicking by the sexy bar owner, and gets him thrown out. Meanwhile at the Southtown Ikari base. Kula stands in a line, with a load of other work experience kids. The other kids are all delinquents. Heidern and Leona inspect them.  
  
Heidern- Well, aren't you the most pathetic bunch of work experience kids? What a bunch of retards.  
  
Leona- What have the school sent us this year? I doubt even one of these kid has what it takes.  
  
Kula- Uh, sir. I don't belong here. I mean, look at me. I'm cute, innocent and loveable. All these other kids have mean looks on their faces and bullet holes in their trenchcoats.  
  
Leona- Well then you shouldn't have missed three months of school, should you? You got last choice.  
  
Heidern- Right you little shit! Drop and give me a hundred! Then it's the assault course with real live landmines for everyone!  
  
Leona- And after that, shark wrestling, followed by being locked in a soundproof room with the Titanic song on! It builds character.  
  
Heidern- Anyone who cries will be shot in the legs!  
  
Leaving the terrified Kula, we join Terry, Ralf, Gato and Mai at the Southtown sports arena. They are watching the wrestling, Ralf waving a sign saying "Me Too" and Terry wearing a "Lie, Cheat and Steal" T shirt.  
  
Gato- This is shit. It's all fake anyway.  
  
Mai- OK, so the opening match sucked. Eagle vs Temjin.  
  
Terry- The main event should be cool though. Ramon and the Griffon debuting their bad guy image.  
  
Ralf- I don't get that at all. They're heroes in real life, nice to kids and everything.  
  
Terry- Ralf you shit for brains. Wrestling's not real.  
  
Ralf- Oh, right. Uhh... I knew that.  
  
Terry- People cheer the bad guys more nowdays. And their image needed changing.  
  
Mai- Here they come. Get ready to cheer and scream!  
  
A lowrider car makes it's way to the ring. Inside are Ramon and the Griffon, their new bad guy image. Their theme tune was done by Duck King, and is just ripping off Los Guerross, with "Los Ramon et la Griffon". They come out, wearing "Lie, Cheat and Steal" T shirts. Their opponents are a tag team of Clark and Raiden.  
  
Mai- Hey Ralf. What's your partner doing here?  
  
Ralf- Me and Clark got a load of time off. Not much call for mercenaries just after a KOF tournament. That's why they get those work experience kids in.  
  
Mai- I bet Kula wishes she was a "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (tm) now.  
  
Terry- Shut up you two. It's starting.  
  
Gato- It better be good, or I'm killing the announcer.  
  
Terry- And you can shut up too.  
  
The match is now well on it's way. Partners tagging each other in, wrestlers grappling with no clear winner. It is now Clark and Griffon in the ring, with Griffon looking injured. This is just an act, and as Clark goes up to him, Ramon smacks him from behind with a steel chair. The Griffon then hits Clark with a set of brass knuckles, knocking him out.  
  
Mai- The ref wasn't even watching any of that! They cheated!  
  
Terry- How many times do I have to say, IT IS STAGED!  
  
Ralf- What, as in, none of this is real?  
  
Terry- What did I just say!?  
  
Mai- Well, this match looks like it's over. I'm gonna see if I can get Ramon and Griffon in a threesome tonight.  
  
Gato- I really didn't need to know that.  
  
And so we leave the gang to enjoy the end of the wrestling. Later at home, Bob and Kula came home exhausted, Kula through her gruelling Ikari training, Bob through Shingo's idiocy. Los Ramon et la Griffon were also exhausted later that night, after their session with the insatiable Mai Shiranui.  
  
Throw your brains away kids, 'cause next episode sees the guys give us a guided tour of their house via MTV's Cribs. No need for brains.  
  
Note. Work experience. For those who don't know it is a two week session where schoolkids (usually aged 15) are sent to a workplace, to presumably get them used to working life. This is usually unpaid, the bastards. 


	8. And now for a tour of the house

Episode 8. And now for a tour of the house.  
  
Yet another typical morning in the house. The gang are gatered round the kitchen table with breakfast. An important letter has come to them.  
  
Terry- Says here we've been chosen for MTV Cribs. They wanna film this place.  
  
Gato- Now why the fuck would anyone wanna film this dump?  
  
Mai- Beats me. But it's gotta be more interesting than some of the celebrity penthouses they show.  
  
Bob- Why is it that half the celebrities on that show are people no one's ever heard of?  
  
Terry- Dunno. Anyways, the letter says they're coming in an hour, so we best get ready. Mai, call up a bunch of our friends, they always have big crowds of friends round in those shows. Kula, tidy up a bit, Ralf, hide the porn.  
  
Mai- You can't exactly do much to pretty this shithole up.  
  
The guys get the place ready, Kula has straightened out pillows. There really isn't a lot that can make the house look more pleasant. There is a ring at the doorbell. Anticipating the film crew, Terry goes to answer it. As he claims to be the closest the house has to a normal person, he will guide the crew round the house.  
  
Terry- Hi, you're here to film the house. Right.  
  
Cameraman- Yeah, that's right.  
  
Sound guy- Who was that girly looking man who started dancing in front of the camera in a leopardprint thong across the street?  
  
Terry- Sounds like Ash Crimson, our gay postman. Come on in guys.  
  
They enter the house. On TV screens across the nation, the intro starts. "Three floors. Six Bedrooms. Garden that looks like a junkyard." They enter the first room through the hallway.  
  
Terry- And this, well, this is a room we never really figured out what to do with. Hence, the fact that it's just got two broken washing machines, and a statue of that Fight Fever soldier in the Jason mask what we bought cheap from Rugal.  
  
Cameraman- Right. Let's move on.  
  
Sound guy- Weren't Rugal's statues once real people?  
  
Terry- Yeah, but no one liked the Fight Fever guys anyway. Come with me. Next up down the ground floor is Gato's room. Now, I've never actually been in here, so this is new to me as well. Let's go in, even if his door sign does say "Fuck off or die".  
  
Gato- Get out. I'm busy.  
  
Hotaru- Come inside big brother's room. It's a bit scary though.  
  
Gato's room is kinda minimalist. There is various kung fu equipment, a few books with titles like "How to chew someone's legs off and leave no trace of violence" and a framed, life size poster of Mitsuko from Battle Royale. Gato himself is busy trying to rid himself of his unwanted sister.  
  
Hotaru- And this is where my lovely older brother sleeps. He's really nice, and he can smash stone with his bare hands.  
  
Terry- Uh Gato. Why's there a poster of the girl from Battle Royale on the wall?  
  
Hotaru- She kinda scares me, with that scythe and gun.  
  
Gato- Mitsuko was by far the greatest thing in that film. Cute, sexy, phsycotic, my fantasy girl. I will have my vengance for the movie killing her off. Ralf's a fan too, but not in my league. Now get out before I slaughter you.  
  
Hotaru- He's just kidding around.  
  
Terry- OK guys, let's go upstairs to the rest of the house.  
  
They leave Gato's room, and head up to the first floor. Terry stops them at the cupboard he locked the guys in during episode 5. For some reason, "How soon is now" by the Smiths can be heard faintly inside.  
  
Terry- And this was where I locked my embarrassing housemates when Mary came round. Look inside... what the fuck? Duo Lon? What are you doing in there?  
  
Duo Lon- It's nice and cosy in here. Would you close the door behind you. (sings) I am human, and I need to be loved...  
  
Terry- Uh, OK (closes door). Bob, did you know that your gothy pal's hiding in the cupboard with the Smiths on?  
  
Bob- Yeah, leave him, bruv. Otherwise he'll start playing his Sisters of Mercy records. Now they are boring.  
  
Terry- that's Bob's room across there. You can probably tell by the smell of dope smoke and Bob Marley music.  
  
Bob's room is clouded by dope smoke, and "Jammin" is playing. There is also a Bob Marley poster, and various "Legalise Canabis" flyers on the walls. Bob himself sits on his bed, with his bong, blissed out and staring intensely at a lava lamp.  
  
Terry- Bob. the guys from Cribs are here. Wanna say anything to the viewers at home?  
  
Bob- Legalise the weed, bred'ren. Feed your head. Yeah...  
  
Cameraman- Can we go before he starts rambling nonsense?  
  
Terry- Yeah. Next up is Kula's bedroom. Can we come in Kula?  
  
Kula- Yeah. I'm gonna be on television. Now everyone can see how innocently cute and loveable I really am.  
  
Terry- If you like. Now, I'll have to put on sunglasses to view this room.  
  
Kula has a typically girly teenage girl's bedroom. Most of it is bright pink and fluffy, with teddies and candy everywhere. Athena's latest hit plays on her CD player. Kula is dancing around to it.  
  
Kula- Since I'm so lovable and nice, can I tag along with you guys for the tour?  
  
Terry- Only if you promise to stop going on about how "cute and innocent" you are. (they leave) Anyway, this is the bathroom and toilet. I'm sorry about the shitty smell.  
  
Kula- Ralf keeps a naked photo of Vanessa hidden behind the toilet rolls. He thinks no one else knows it's there.  
  
Terry- Show the cameras. He'll hate that.  
  
They take out a well worn nude picture of Vanessa for the audience at home to see. They leave the turd smelling bathroom and come to a door painted camoflague style. Ralf's room. Inside, it looks like one of those army surplus shops, but with far more dangerous weaponary.  
  
Kula- This room freaks me out a bit. He had a landmine on his piggybank when I tried to steal some change last week.  
  
Terry- Ralf, we're coming in. No explosions this time.  
  
Ralf- Aww. Spoil my fucking fun why don't you. Don't touch that! That's the scud missile Leona got me for Christmas.  
  
Sound guy- Nice photo in the bathroom of Vanessa.  
  
Ralf- How did you guys know about that!?  
  
Terry- It, uhh... accidentally fell out from behind the bog rolls. Anyway, we're going upstairs.  
  
Terry, kula and the Cribs crew go up to the second and final floor. First they enter the living room. Andy, Joe, Duck Malin and Shingo are gathered in there.  
  
Joe- Hi guys. We're all friends of this crazy crew. Although Gato kinda scares me.  
  
Terry- We didn't invite him. (points to Shingo)  
  
Duck- Don't ask me why he's here. He just followed us.  
  
Shingo- I live here. This is my house.  
  
Kula- Shingo, no it's not. You don't live here.  
  
Terry- Now piss off to wherever you do live.  
  
Shingo- you mean I got the wrong house again? Damn, this always happens. Last week I ended up on the Blacknoah.  
  
Joe- Just go. Moron.  
  
Andy- He always gets confused as to where he lives. If you film guys look on the ceiling, you'll see a toilet nailed to it.  
  
Terry- Blame Ralf. he was drunk at the time. And he thought it would be artistic. Stupid prick.  
  
Kula- Hey, Malin. Where's K'? I invited him over.  
  
Malin- He said he wanted to "talk" to Mai.  
  
Kula- Quick, to Mai's room!  
  
Kula rushes to the sexy housemate's luxury bedroom. Terry and the crew have trouble keeping up. Kula kicks the door in and finds Mai laying on her bed in her lingerie, and K' in his underpants. If anyone cares, the room is as it was in episode 5, but with Yuri employed as a "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (tm).  
  
Kula- K'! You bastard! How could you?! You're supposed to love me!  
  
K'- I did love you. But I got sick of waiting for you to agree to sleep with me.  
  
Mai- He's kinda old for you anyway. He needed someone like me for good sex.  
  
Kula- First Malin, now that old whore!  
  
Mai- Cheeky bitch. I am not old!  
  
Terry- I see a fight happening here. This could make good TV.  
  
Yuri- I bet on Kula to win.  
  
Mai- Who said you could talk? Bring me champagne, and don't forget to dance. I didn't hire you for intelligence.  
  
Terry- Just as well, she hasn't really got any.  
  
K'- That's what makes her a perfect "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (tm).  
  
Kula- Don't change the subject! I'll kill you! DIE!  
  
Kula proceeds to beat her now ex boyfriend senseless with a chunk of her ice. As she chases K' out of the room, still hitting him, Terry takes the Cribs crew to the kitchen. It is a very bog standrad kitchen, albeit filthy.  
  
Terry- this is the kitchen. The least interesting room in the house. Unless you're Mai, since only she knows how the oven works, or Bob who can make good drugs out of stuff in the cleaning cupboard. And there concludes the grand tour of our house. Hope you liked it.  
  
For the final shot of the show, the six housemates and their various guests gather in the garden, with three exceptions. Kula angrily chased K' down the street and Shingo was last seen heading for Geese's building. One big group, all standing together next to the rusted shopping trolley that's always been in the garden. And there ends this edition of MTV Cribs.  
  
Tune in next episode when the gang take a break from it all and go camping in Southtown National Park. And I promise there will be no mention of Ash in a leopardprint thong. Note. Fight Fever, another early 90s SNK beat em up, was easily their WORST game. The characters were truly crap, losers like the Korean Ryu, Mai Shiranui's ugly clone and a soldier who was just Guile in a hockey mask. Under no circumstances must you play this rubbish. 


	9. Happy crappy holiday

Episode 9. Happy crappy holiday.  
  
The weekend is coming, and the guys have a couple of days off to relax. They've decided to go on holiday, but can only afford a camping trip in Southtown National Park. They are busy packing their stuff in preparation.  
  
Terry- Southtown national Park. That's hardly getting away from it all, is it? I mean, really.  
  
Kula- I wanted to go to Disneyland, but we couldn't afford that.  
  
Gato- Thank god for us not going to Disneyland.  
  
Mai- Ralf. What the hell are you doing with the TV?  
  
Ralf- No one remembered to pack it. So I will.  
  
Terry- We'll be out in the woods, nature, countryside. Where are we gonna plug in a TV?  
  
Kula- Surely you know that from your Ikari missions.  
  
Ralf- Damn. We never EVER took missions in places where you couldn't plug a TV. Suppose I'd better put the fucking microwave back too.  
  
Bob- Moron. Anyway, we'd best go sort the van we're borrowing. From my mate, Rick Strowd.  
  
Later, the guys are outside "Chief Rick's Authentic Native American Crafts" shop. The van they are going to borrow is a real hippymobile, and looks really old. The hippy craft shop is only a front, Rick's real business is in drug dealing, and Bob is a regular customer.  
  
Rick- Come in guys. What can I do for you? Hey kid, you like this "Authentic native American" necklace. Only $20.  
  
Kula- But it's made of cheap plastic.  
  
Bob- It's OK. They're with me Rick. About the van.  
  
Rick- Oh, right. Come in, don't mind the others.  
  
Gato- I hate hippy craft shops. Look at this shit.  
  
They enter the shop, having to crouch as all hippy craft shops have crap hanging low from the ceiling. The place reeks of dope smoke and incense, and "Voodoo Chile" by Jimi Hendrix is playing.On one side of the room, John Crawley and Sokaku sit in clouds of smoke drugged up to their eyeballs on illegal substances.  
  
John- One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small... This takes me back to my days in 'Nam...  
  
Terry- You weren't in Vietnam. Lying piece of crap.  
  
Bob- He took a holiday there in '89.  
  
Rick- Bob, my man. Here's the keys to the van. Here's the Dominican hash you ordered last week.  
  
Mai- Does anyone actually buy your "Authentic Native American" plastic shit?  
  
Rick- No, all that's just a front for the cops. I have the cast of AODK locked in the basement making this stuff.  
  
Ralf- At least it keeps those losers employed. They sucked arse completely.  
  
Kula- Can we go? I don't like it here.  
  
Sokaku- I can tell your fortunes. Anybody?  
  
Out of boredom, Kula and Mai volunteer. Sokaku does some mumbo jumbo before handing them each a slip of paper with their "fortunes" written on. The girls are not impressed with the results.  
  
Mai- Fuck this, this sucks. Mine says "Your bone's got a little machine".  
  
Kula- And what's "Is she weird, is she white, is she promised to the night" mean?  
  
Terry- You old fraud. Those are weird Pixies lyrics.  
  
Gato- Who cares. Let's just get the van and go.  
  
Rick- That baby's a classic. She get's damaged, your paying the costs.  
  
Bob- Yeah, yeah. Whatever bred'ren.  
  
Outside, the group approach their hired vehicle. An old Volkswagen campervan. It is painted up in phsycadelic acid trip pattern, and there are bits of metal attached to fix broken bits.  
  
Ralf- Is THIS the best you could do, Bob?  
  
Gato- This'll be a disaster. I can tell.  
  
Bob- Well, it's coming cheap. Let's get in and go.  
  
Kula- Next stop, Southtown National Park.  
  
Gato- Great. Cooped up in a van with people I hate.  
  
Mai- Shut up you negative, antisocial bastard.  
  
They get in the van with their luggage and prepare to go. The old heap of junk takes nearly ten minutes to start, and a boring Bob Dylan CD plays continuosly. It unfortunately stays on, as no one can figure out how to stop it. The actual journey to the park is only ten miles, but the van's pretty slow and keeps stopping. Three hours later, they fianlly make it in the night time.  
  
Gato- Well that was the worst drive ever.  
  
Terry- Thank fuck, here at last. Can someone at least make Bob Dylan shut up.  
  
Kula- Wish we could. The old folkie's still going on. And it's only the third track.  
  
Mai- Well don't just sit there. Ralf, Terry, put up the tents. I'll make lunch. On this crappy gas stove, it might take a while.  
  
Cheerful female voice- Hello neighbours. Fancy seeing you guys here.  
  
Cheerful male voice- What are the chances of meeting like this.  
  
Ralf- AW NO! Not them! Anyone but them!  
  
"Them" turn out to be Athena and Kensou. The annoyingly perky neighbours are also camping out here. Their campervan is big, modern and really nice, and has electricity and heating. They set up camp next to the holidaying housemates. With them are Jhun, Hinako and Bao.  
  
Athena- Hey, I like your van. it's so retro.  
  
Gato- Piss off and die.  
  
Jhun- Hey Athena. That Gato guy's just as funny as you said.  
  
Athena- I know, aren't these guys great? It's a shame we dont spend more time with each other.  
  
Mai- Lunch's ready. (hands everyone a Pot Noodle).  
  
Kensou- Pot Noodles. Wow, you guys are really roughing it out here. We've just got microwavable ready meals.  
  
Terry- You wouldn't share them with us now, would you friendly neighbour?  
  
Athena- 'Fraid we can't. But why don't you join us for an after dinner get together.  
  
Kensou- I've even brought my acoustic guitar along.  
  
Bob- Oh no, not the acoustic guitar.  
  
The gang make their excuses, and move their stuff away from Athena's group. They get into their tents, when disaster strikes. It suddenly pisses down with rain, and there is a storm too. The tents are not as waterproof as they'd hoped and our heroes run to the van soaking wet. Even the van offers little comfort, their being leaks and sodding Bob Dylan STILL singing his dull folkie tunes.  
  
Mai- Ralf, I thought you said these Ikari issue tents were waterproof?  
  
Bob- Yeah, my stash got soaked too. now I can't even skin up to escape this crappy reality.  
  
Terry- How could this holiday get any worse?  
  
Bear- ROAR!  
  
All- AHHH! A bear in a karate jacket!  
  
Gato- You were saying Terry?  
  
Ralf- We're gonna be eaten by Marco Rodiriguez's escaped pet bear!  
  
Kula- I can't die! I'm too sweet and innocent! HELP!  
  
Outside the van, the pet bear of Marco Rodiriguez is clawing away at the door. The bear is pissed off and very, very hungry. The guys climb out of the roof hatch and run away in the pouring rain. They hide out in a bunch of trees. Thankfully, the bear found an old box of takeaway chicken left there by Rick ages ago.  
  
Bob- So what do we do now?  
  
Mai- This whole holiday's a disaster. This is all your fault Terry. Let's take a holiday, you said.  
  
Terry- Me! Your the one who overspent our budget on clothes for yourself, whore. If we had more money, we'd have gone somehwere better.  
  
Gato- Shut the fuck up everyone. I've got an idea.  
  
Mai- Oh great, you've got an idea.  
  
Ralf- What is it.  
  
Gato- It involves doing a very bad thing, so Terry and Kula will have to sit this one out.  
  
Kula- HEY! I can be bad as well as anyone.  
  
Terry- Me too. So what do we do?  
  
After explaining the plan, Gato gets them to gather outside Athena and Kensou's campervan. They aim to steal it and leave the irritating group behind, going somewhere nice and sunny. They wear raincoats with hoods pulled up, covering their faces, on the off chance they are seen in the darkness.  
  
Kula- So now we distract them, and when they get out, we grab the van and go somewhere nice.  
  
Gato- Yeah, that's right (shouting to Athena's group) Hey there, friendly neighbours.  
  
Kensou- What is it? The weather's really bad out there.  
  
Ralf- You guys should come outside. There's a big, interesting thing out here.  
  
Jhun- Really? What is it.  
  
Mai- Believe it or not, we think we've seen Johnny Maximum going past.  
  
Athena- J Max, this we've gotta see. Let's go.  
  
Terry- Hurry guys, I think he's about to go.  
  
Bob- Come back J Max! We wanna take a photo.  
  
Kensou- Is he still there. We're all coming now.  
  
Kula- Right, let's get 'em.  
  
Gato- They've had this coming a long time.  
  
Athena, Kensou, Jhun, Hinako and Bao all come out, dressed in their pyjamas. They are looking around for the American footballer when our heroes pounce on them from the shadows. After beating them senseless, they leave their annoying neighbours bound and gagged outside the van in the pissing rain. They then hijack the luxury campervan, and drive it far away for a really pleasant holiday in the hot sunshine of Mexico.  
  
In our next collection of random nonsense, the guys visit Saisyu's Museum of Southtown History. Don't miss it. Please don't miss it, I'd be lost without you guys. 


	10. The Museum of Southtown History

Episode 10. The Museum of Southtown History.  
  
Another day, and the housemates confront Terry, really annoyed. They have seen their episode of MTV Cribs, and are pissed off that his own room wasn't shown.  
  
Ralf- You dragged the film crew through all our rooms, showing them my Vanessa photo in the bathroom...  
  
Mai- How convenient that they didn't get to see your own room.  
  
Terry- My rooms dull. You know me, I'm the average guy here, with an average room.  
  
Bob- Not fucking good enough. Let's see your room.  
  
Despite Terry's protests, they kick down his bedroom door and burst in. It all looks very normal, even the large photo of him and Mary on the wall. They then spot something Terry hoped no one would ever see.  
  
Kula- What's this rolled up poster?  
  
Terry- Uhh, nothing, you don't wanna see that shit.  
  
Bob- Come on, let's have a look. (opens it out and shows everyone). "White Shaft". Explain this?  
  
Mai- Hey Terry, isn't that you as "White Shaft"?  
  
Terry- (embarrassed) Yes, my one and only movie role. They thought the idea of Shaft as a white man would make big bucks. It was when I was only starting to get famous. It was complete crap.  
  
Ralf- Do you have it on video still?  
  
Terry- No, thank god. They burnt every copy after it became the biggest movie failure ever.  
  
They laugh as Terry squirms in humiliation. The poster features Terry dressed as Shaft with the tagline "Who's the sex machine to all the chicks? White Shaft, you damn wrong!" The doorbell rings and he goes to answer it, escaping his taunting housemates. It is Billy Kane and Mature, with Rock Howard.  
  
Terry- Billy, what do you want?  
  
Billy- You know it's your turn to look after Rock.  
  
Terry- What. Damn, I forgot. Now's really not a good time.  
  
Mature- You'll take him for the week whether you like it or not. We had him with us for a fortnight.  
  
Billy- Really killed off our sex life.  
  
Terry- Since when are you two a couple?  
  
Mature- We met at the Southtown Socialist Revoloution for overworked henchpeople.  
  
Terry- Can't you dump him with Mr Big?  
  
Billy- Mr Big took him for school work experience.  
  
Rock- Uncle Big taught me how to shake people down for money.  
  
Rock's comment about how he's been spending his time stuns Terry. He is now worried about the bad influences he's being brought up with.  
  
Terry- OK, I'll take him. Can't have him learning any more bad stuff from you guys. You owe me for this.  
  
Billy- God, you take everything so personally. Geese kills your dad, you come for vengance...  
  
Mature- We'll leave him here, and we can finally have hot, steamy sex without Rock coming in with a camera.  
  
Terry- Tell me about it. He used to do that to me and Mary all the time.  
  
Rock- Kids in school pay me good money for those films.  
  
Billy- He's a good kid really. Geese will be so proud of him.  
  
The criminal couple leave, and Terry goes inside the house with Rock. Rock meets Kula, who is in his class at school.  
  
Kula- Hi Rock. Did you do that essay due for tomorrow?  
  
Rock- I bribed Kasumi to write it for me.  
  
Terry- Rock, you should do your own work.  
  
Ralf- Aw leave him. Kula told me everyone bribes Kasumi to do their homework.  
  
Gato- So that's how Kula always got straight "A"s, while still being thick as shit.  
  
Mai- So Terry, what are you and Rock doing today?  
  
Terry- Since I'm skint, we're going to that new museum. It's free. Anyone else wanna come?  
  
Rock- AWW! Museums are boring.  
  
Terry- I know, but I've got no money today,  
  
Kula- I've got nothing better to do, I guess.  
  
With the two youngsters, Terry arrives at the "Museum of Southtown History" They go inside, and are greeted by Saisyu Kusanagi, the museum curator.  
  
Saisyu- Hi guys. Nice to see you, we've not had many visitors yet. I'll be your guide too. And your souvenier salesman, and...  
  
Rock- Does anyone else actually work here?  
  
Saisyu- Yes. We have Mickey Rogers as a janitor.  
  
Kula- Who's Mickey Rogers?  
  
Terry- Don't you know your history? He was once billed as "The tall boxer in pink, with the loud annoying voice".  
  
Kula- I see why he never came back.  
  
Saisyu- Well anyway. Come on, to the first exhibit. Now, in olden days Southtown was home to America's only duelling Japanese samurais...  
  
Terry- What is this shit?  
  
They all stand in front of an exhibit showing drawings of many of the Samurai Showdown characters. Footage from the games also plays on a TV screen. The reality is that they did not live anywhere near Southtown, most of them not even in the same continent.  
  
Saisyu- This guy (picture of Kyoshiro) was Sgt Kabukiman NYPD. He used to fire sushi at his opponents. He's (Gen An) an uncle of Mai's, not that she'll ever own up to it. And here (Shiki) was the world's first Goth rock chick, who'd depress her foes to death with shitty poetry about death and unrequited love, this one was...  
  
Kula- You're making this all up, aren't you?  
  
Rock- Sgt Kabukiman's a Troma B movie.  
  
Saisyu- Hey, research isn't my job. Now over here we have the feared pirate of Southtown (Captain Kidd from World Heroes), and sitting there is his distant relative, Bonne Jenet, the sexy modern day pirate bimbo...  
  
They see Jenet sitting on a stool by the exhibits looking bored and miserable. She wears her usual sexy dress, but with a museum staff badge. The badge says "Hi, I'm Jenet, I'd be happy to help", and there is an electronic police tag round her ankle.  
  
Terry- Jenet. Don't tell me you work here too?  
  
Jenet- It's community service. In was caught trying to rob Kain's mansion. It was two months of this or playing Fight Fever non stop for a week.  
  
Rock- Oh you poor girl. I feel for you.  
  
Saisyu- Stop feeling sorry for her. I mean, honestly, who goes and becomes a pirate these days? Now Jenet, someone's shat in the doorway and Mickey's on his tea break. Clean it up.  
  
Jenet- "Sigh" Alright. You old fuck...  
  
Saisyu- Don't forget to smile, you're happy to help people. Now, moving on...  
  
Jenet leaves to mop up shit. Saisyu guides the group to an exhibit with more recent history. There are photographs, and other assorted junk.  
  
Terry- Hey I remember that. That was when Joe had short hair and tried to be a serious fighter.  
  
Saisyu- That's right. Now this is a picture of Geese when he had long hair and dressed like a wedding guest...  
  
Rock- Oh fuck? Is that my dad? Ha ha ha...  
  
Kula- I shall never fear Geese again after seeing this.  
  
Terry- And look. There's Duck King when he used to be a white man and wear MC Hammer trousers. He was so lame in those days.  
  
Rock- Wow! Mai's boobs were much smaller in them days.  
  
Terry- That's right. She had three boob jobs since then.  
  
Saisyu- Over here, is Clark when he used to be a dark haired, bandana wearing Ralf clone. They were called Paul and Vince in the old days.  
  
Kula- Look. Lucky when he wore a puffa jacket and dayglo basketball strip. Didn't know he was number 94.  
  
Terry- He was paid a fortune to change to that number. Cheap publicity for KOF 94.  
  
After a good few minutes laughing at how people they know used to look, Saisyu brings them to the Hall of Athenas (mannequins each dressed in Athena's many outfits) and a room with a few statues of some of SNK's least successful fighters. Most of the Fight Fever cast, and Art of Fighting three newbies feature here.  
  
Saisyu- Now, these guys were all screw ups, and Rugal turned them into these nifty statues.  
  
Kula- Hey look, it's Foxy. Never liked that bitch anyway.  
  
Rock- Why's there a statue of Benimaru dressed as a policeman with nightsticks?  
  
Terry- That's not Beni. That was Rody Birts. I think Robert fought him once. And that guy's Hwa Jai, a bald kickboxer with one move. There's Muscle Power, an all American Hulk Hogan ripoff...  
  
Saisyu- A whole bunch of fighters, united only in their shittiness. And here ends the grand tour. Now, about souveniers...  
  
Terry buys a "My friend went to Southtown, and all he got me was this lousy T shirt" shirt and they buy various other bits of overpriced crap. They then leave, passing Jenet, who's still cleaning the shit, and Mickey, in the third hour of his "tea break".  
  
More random rubbish in our next episode, brought to you by the monkey I employ to write this stuff. This episode was a bit of an SNK history lesson, Duck really did used to be a white man, and Clark really was a Ralf pallete swap in Ikari Warriors. 


	11. KOF fighters have a quiet day in

Episode 11. KOF fighters have a quiet day in.  
  
The kitchen, and Ralf, Mai and Gato eat breakfast. They eat bowls of "Vice Krispies", a cereal endorsed by Vice, who's picture is on the box. The adverts feature an animated, dancing Vice strangling sickenigly cute and wholsome children to death.  
  
Mai- Who keeps picking Vice Krispies? I'm sick of this shit.  
  
Ralf- I buy them. I like the free gifts, little Vice figures. Eight to collect.  
  
Gato- I've got seven of them. Only need one more.  
  
Ralf- Since when did you like Vice?  
  
Gato- She seems like a really nice girl. And what a body.  
  
Mai- You do realise that Vice is a phsyco and enjoys harming small animals and stealing kid's lunch money?  
  
Gato- Really? See what I mean, she's the perfect woman.  
  
Ralf- Name like a porn star, breasts to match...  
  
Mai- You two are really sad, you know that. (sees little hearts in Ralf and Gato's eyes). I'm gonna watch TV.  
  
All the housemates all sit in front of the TV. They are watching a political interview, featuring rival Southtown mayoral candidates Kyo Kusanagi and Iori Yagami. They sit at either side of a desk, dressed in suits, the interviewer sitting between them.  
  
Ralf- Do we have to watch this shit. I hate politics.  
  
Mai-It's either this, or a kiddies show featuring Goro Daimon dancing around in a purple bunny suit.  
  
Kula- OK, we'll stick with this. I remember in Christmas when Goro was the mall Santa Clause. Awful.  
  
Gato- You guys shut up. They're about to start.  
  
Bob- This should be interesting. I like seeing rivals argue.  
  
The political debate starts. After the usual shit of promising better public services, the interesting stuff begins.  
  
Kyo(TV)- ...And that's why you should vote me as mayor. I'll make my poetry lessons in schools compulsory, make Orochi worship illegal...  
  
Iori(TV)- There you go, blame the Orochi's again. When I'm mayor, I will make my birthday a state holiday, hand out free Rickenbacker CDs...  
  
Kyo(TV)- You're just going for the popular vote. Because the fuck headed public always thought you were cooler!  
  
Iori(TV)- You still can't take it that I've always been more well loved than you. Even after all these years.  
  
Kyo(TV)- At least I don't dress up as a schoolgirl, call myself Miss X and visit Whip for spankings.  
  
Iori(TV)- How the fuck did you know about that?!  
  
Kyo(TV)- I was the naked guy in the gimp mask she was sitting on as she beat you... uhh.. oops.  
  
Interviewer(TV)- Too much information there, guys. I think you all know what'll happen now. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
The interviewer begins to beat the desk, and the eternal rivals begin to fight. As they slug it out with colourful flames, our heroes lose interest in the weird world of politics.  
  
Terry- Wow, I never knew Iori was into cross dressing and spanking. Suddenly makes him far less intimidating.  
  
Kula- Diana spends a lot of time with her. I saw them at it once. Spent weeks in therapy afterwards.  
  
Ralf- Didn't Diana ever do what my mum did when men who weren't my dad came round? Give you money and tell you to fuck off to the cinema?  
  
Kula- Yeah, but that time the film sucked and I came home early that day. Found a naked Diana being ridden horsey style by Whip. Everyone at NESTS was freaky.  
  
Bob- Sounds like it. Didn't Krizalid dress in a weird leather bondage outfit and look like Prince?  
  
Mai- That guy was just bizzare. Whip can keep him. And he was crap in bed too.  
  
Gato- Oh what a surprise. Yet another man Mai's had. How many's that now?  
  
Mai has no idea how many different men she's had over the years. Normally, she wouldn't think about it, but she's started work on her tell all autoboigraphy. So far, all she's written is the title. "Mai Shiranui, I did it my way. On a regular basis with many different men."  
  
Terry- God, what do we do now? It's sunday afternoon, nothing's open. Not like we can really do anything.  
  
Mai- I'm doing work on my autobiography.  
  
Gato- Can stupid bimbos write? Spell even?  
  
Mai- HEY! Just because this book'll make me a fortune.  
  
Bob- To be fair Mai, it's been three months and all you have is a title. Anyway, I'm going to my room to sample the "Afghan dope" Ralf sold me.  
  
Kula- Since when did Ralf deal drugs?  
  
Ralf - (whispering in Kula's ear) It's actually the brown square from my watercolour paint set. I mashed it up and told Bob it was dope. Stupid fuck paid me $30 too.  
  
And so endeth another day in the house. Bob was upset to discover his "dope" was fake and he was $30 poorer for it. Gato found the eighth Vice figure in the cereal he needed to complete his set. And Mai wrote a sentence of her book. It reads "I was born" and stops there, but she plans to include lots of nice X rated photographs. Proof that, even in Southtown, sunday afternoons are piss boring.  
  
Tune in next episode when the author has no idea what'll happen. But you can guarantee that this fanfic is one of few places with no mention of J Lo and the "Bennifer" shambles.  
  
Note 1- "Vice Krispies" are based on a real Kellogs cereal called "Rice Krispies", in case you didn't know.  
  
Note 2- The Iori in drag thing was taken from Gals fighter, for the Neo Geo pocket. All the cast were girls, except "Miss X", who was Iori in a schoolgirl uniform. I'd love to know what drugs SNK were doing when they came up with that crap idea. 


	12. La la love you, don't mean maybe

Episode 12. La la love you, don't mean maybe.  
  
Early morning, and Kula is first up getting ready for school. It is Valentines, and she, along with most other people are hoping for love. The doorbell rings, and Kula sees that it is K' at the door. He is accompanied by homosexual postman Ash Crimson. Ash takes a load of Valentine's cards out of his postbag.  
  
Kula- K'! I knew you'd come back to me. I forgive you for cheating on me, lemme see the card you got...  
  
K'- Uh Kula, there's something I have to tell you.  
  
Kula- What, are you planning a romantic surprise? Yay!  
  
K'- I am, but not with you. I've met someone else, he's shown me experiences I never thought possible...  
  
Kula- Hold on. "he"?  
  
K'- Yes, I'm gay. I'm in love with the postman here.  
  
Kula- Aw God! Not Ash Crimson?!  
  
Ash- This huge pile is for Mai, that one's for Terry. 'Fraid there's none for anyone else here.  
  
Kula- Just piss off ladyboy. And you're welcome to my no good ex boyfriend!  
  
Ash- Dearie me, not very civil is she. I can see why you gave up on girls, K' darling.  
  
K' and Ash leave, and Kula sees Ash pinch her ex boyfriend's arse. Upset, she dumps the cards on the floor and waits for the school bus.  
  
Later on, the rest of the housemates are up, and Terry has his Valentine's card. It is from Mary, who seems to have forgiven him for the earlier disaster.  
  
Terry- YES! There is a god! Mary gave me this card, and she want's to give me another chance! I'm so happy!  
  
Mai- Big deal, you got a card. I've got three hundred of the damn things to go through.  
  
Gato- Who gives a shit about Valentine's anyway?  
  
Bob- Just 'cause you never got a card, bruv.  
  
Gato- Nor did you.  
  
Bob- True, but me and Ralf are going out to "La Illusion" tonight to pull the ladies.  
  
Ralf- If we're not back by tuesday, call our mamas. So what's your plans for Mary this time?  
  
Terry- Dunno yet. But I'm not bringing her back here again. Maybe I'll take her out someplace nice.  
  
Mai- I' don't need to go anywhere. I've got people coming here for me. They better all bring nice gifts.  
  
Southtown High School, Kula sits at her desk moping about lost love. She sees malin has almost as many cards as Mai, and then, a kid no one's ever seen before enters. He wears an ORANGE PARKA coat. He takes this off, and he looks like a slightly younger K' in a RED STAR TREK SHIRT.  
  
Seth- Alright class. We've got a new kid in, I don't know his name, nor care enough to find out. Now then, you guys will sit in silence and stare at the wall, while I go to the bookies.  
  
Seth leaves the class. The new kid sits next to Kula. Little hearts appear in her eyes, his too. It is love at first sight. Malin approaches the new kid.  
  
Malin- Hi new kid. I'm Malin, anyway intro over. Wanna fuck under Seth's desk? We can go now. He's gone.  
  
new kid- No. I prefer this blue haired girl. She's really cute.  
  
Kula- YAY! He likes me.  
  
Malin- But I have so much to teach you. Aw (leaves).  
  
Kula- I'm Kula, you're kinda cute too. Hey, what's that on you're head?  
  
new kid- Oh, that's just a little birthmark.  
  
Kula- I swear to god, it looks just like a TARGET IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR HEAD.  
  
new kid- Suppose it does. But I'm OK, I've got my GOOD LUCK CHARM four leaf clover keyring for protection.  
  
Kula- Wanna go to a movie after school?  
  
new kid- Sure.  
  
Later that evening, Terry and Mary are at the Pao Pao cafe, for a romantic meal. They want to get back together, and are trying to work things out.  
  
Mary- Terry, I love you and all that. But don't ask me to visit that house you're staying in. Not with those people.  
  
Terry- I know, they're fucking weirdos. Enough about them, what about us? I wanna be with you.  
  
Mary- But how are we supposed to do get all romanitc with your housemates in the way?  
  
Terry- You're a cop. If you ever feel like coming to see me at my house, you can arrange to have them arrested for a weekend.  
  
Mary- Oh yeah, that's true. This could work out after all.  
  
Terry- I'm not going to be at that dump forever. Just until this stupid series we're doing ends. Then I'll get a great big paycheck and...  
  
Mary- And then pamper me, right? We'll spend quality time together.  
  
Terry- Yeah. I love you Mary. (they then start kissing).  
  
We leave Terry and Mary, and move to "La Illusion" Ralf and Bob enter, and start eyeing up all the good looking women. There's no shortage of sexy singles. Ralf makes his way towards Vanessa, and Bob makes a move on Shermie.  
  
Ralf- Hey baby. Terry told me you're all into paranormal crap. Why don't you and me go out back to the toilets, and have our own Close Encounter?  
  
Vanessa- Piss off, loser. (punches him in the bollocks)  
  
Ralf- OWW! I think she likes me. See her go for my balls? OW!  
  
Shermie- You're that weird rasta, aren't you? Aw Jesus.  
  
Bob- My name ain't Jesus, but the size of my nob's a miracle. And you don't have to wait 'till the third day for it to rise.  
  
Shermie's response is to knee Bob in the bollocks, and leave him. Not put off by their lack of success, Ralf and Bob move to the next likely looking women. Bob to Chizuru, Ralf to Jenet. They are trying to be a little more tactful this time.  
  
Bob- Hey there pretty lady. Buy you a drink?  
  
Chizuru- OK, but no alcohol. No one ever offers me a drink, you seem like a nice guy. But I'm not having sex until marriage, and don't plan on that until I'm at least 30, and... hey, you've fallen asleep!  
  
Bob- Wh... uh, zzzzzzzzzzzz.  
  
Bob was bored by this dull, frigid woman, and Chizuru leaves him fast asleep. Ralf seems to have more luck with Jenet, she asks him to dance. This is where it all goes wrong for the mercenary, officially the worst dancer in the world. She's gyrating around sexily, and he looks like someone's dad at a family wedding before falling down onto the floor. Not surprisingly, this puts an end to any chance of sex with Jenet.  
  
Away from all this, Kula and her nameless new boyfriend have finished watching their movie, a romantic comedy. They now stand outside the garden of Kula's house, trying not to be distracted by the sounds of Mai and more than one man.  
  
Kula- I had a great time with you, new kid. K' told me men don't like romantic comedies. You're perfect.  
  
new kid- You as well Kula. I picked up these for you. (hands the girl a silver neclace) and this card too.  
  
Kula- WOw, nice gift. Thanks. But this isn't a card.  
  
new kid- Sorry, that's a LETTER FROM MY FAMILY (puts it away) here's the card. See you tomorrow at school.  
  
Kula- I can't wait. Bye, nameless lover. Hey, wonder why he's got the NUMBER 13 written on the back of his coat.  
  
"La Illusion", Ralf and Bob have even been turned down by those cute waitresses who work for King. King herself approaches the luckless lover boys, pissed off at their antics. They don't dare chat her up, as half an hour earlier she broke both Ryo's arms and a few ribs after another of his failed attempts to woo her.  
  
King- Why don't you idiots just quit? Before you really get hurt.  
  
Ralf- We can't quit. It's Valentines, we wanna get girls.  
  
Bob- We need lovin' too you know, sister girl.  
  
King- If I help you out, can you both piss off away from here. Sixteen women have walked out because of you.  
  
Ralf- What, you mean you'll sleep with me. Great!  
  
King- Do you want some of what Ryo got?!  
  
RalfBob- No. Don't hurt us, please.  
  
King- Anyway, here's the adress of a brothel that keep advertising themselves in my toilets. I hear their big sales pitch is that their girls dress up like women from KOF.  
  
Bob- Sounds great. We can brag to people that we've screwed all the good looking KOF ladies, and it won't neccessarily be a lie.  
  
King- Now get out. (hands them the address) I'm sure even two dickheads like you can get some there.  
  
Ralf and Bob leave excited for the place. Unfortunately, they discovered that the women include a 300 pounder dressed as Angel, and someone clearly the wrong side of fifty in a Vice costume. They run out, terrified after one look, and head for home. They realise that at least back home, there's Mai.  
  
Next morning, again it's Kula who's first up. She's very happy and excited to see her new boyfriend again, maybe even learn his name. The schoolbus pulls over and the boy steps out to greet Kula.  
  
new kid- Hi Kula honey. I brought you candy.  
  
Kula- I love candy, we are so perfect for each other. We're gonna be together forever, have kids as cute as us and...  
  
new kid- Oh No. I've LOST MY GOOD LUCK CH...ARGHH!  
  
Kula- NOOO! Nameless boyfriend!  
  
The new kid is shot several times in various parts of the body, and collapses to the floor riddled with bullets. Kula is in tears, having found true love, only for this to happen. She sees Gato in a purple afro wig and star shaped sunglasses, weilding an AK 47.  
  
Kula- NOO! Gato, how could you!? WAAAH!  
  
Gato- Get a hold of yourself Kula. That kid was doomed from the start. The clues were all there. Fate put this gun in my hands, brought me to the garden, and put the poor bastard out of his misery.  
  
Kula- Did you have to shoot him so much?  
  
Gato- Got a bit carried away. Trigger happy.  
  
Kula- And what's with the wig and shades?  
  
Gato- Fate thought they might cheer you up a bit.  
  
new kid- Ugh, Ohh, K... Kula...  
  
Kula- He's alive! Yes, talk to me.  
  
new kid- I...I... AAAAHHHHH!  
  
The doomed boy has been shot in the middle of the head, finishing him off and spraying the area red with blood. Kula is very surprised to see a smoking double barreled shotgun having magically appeared in her hands. She must have shot him without knowing it.  
  
Kula- I guess it was fate. Shame, I really liked him, and never even found out his name.  
  
And she never will. The nameless dead boy suddenly spontaniously combusts. There is not a trace of him left.  
  
Join us next episode when absoloutely nothing whatsoever happens, and the canned laughter machine breaks down. Yeah, this was a Valentine's special. The title comes from another Pixies song "La la love you". Happy Valentines day.  
  
Note- Who (but Kula) didn't see the new kid's death coming? All the clues were spelt out in capitals, added to the fact that he's a new character in an established series, who shall forever remain nameless. 


	13. The Weakest Link KOF special

Episode 13. The Weakest Link- KOF special.  
  
The six housemates sit around the kitchen table with a letter. It tells them that Terry, Mai and Ralf have been invited to take part in a KOF special edition of "The Weakest Link". Their reaction is less than positive.  
  
Mai- Aww, I'm no good at game shows. Why me?  
  
Gato- You're telling me. The woman who quit her autobiography because she had trouble spelling "ninjitsu".  
  
Terry- I'm sure we can get somewhere with this. Who do we know that's intelligent and would help us?  
  
Kula- Kasumi Todo. From my class. We bribe her to do our homework all the time.  
  
Terry- Letter says Kasumi's banned from taking part. She's won three times without cheating, and helped sixteen other people win.  
  
Mai- Shit. Who else? Bob, you're a Harvard graduate...  
  
Bob- I got my masters degree in Star Wars appreciation studies.  
  
Gato- Which will be fuck all help.  
  
They try and think who else. All their suggestions are no good to them.  
  
Ralf- Terry, you're brother Andy. He's good at quizzes and boring crap like that.  
  
Terry- He'll never help me. He wants to keep it as the one thing he's better than me at. Who else?  
  
Bob- Kula's foster something or other, Diana?  
  
Gato- She's probably now being dragged around naked on a dog leash, with Whip telling her she's a bad little girl.  
  
Kula- Have you been reading my therapy files again?  
  
Gato- Yes.  
  
Mai- Back to the subject. What are we gonna do? I suck at gameshows, Ralf's worse...  
  
Ralf- I don't wanna go. I'm gonna go hang round the bar and try and pick up goth chicks.  
  
Kula- Ralf, you've been doing that every saturday for the last two years. And you've not yet picked up a single goth chick.  
  
Ralf- It's like the lottery. More I try, more chance I got.  
  
Having failed to come up with any strategies, the three would be contestants start revising. They try to spend two hours going through encyclopedias, quiz answer books and other material, but fall asleep within five minutes. Later on, they are at the studio, Terry, Mai and Ralf on the stage, the others sitting in the audience.  
  
Terry- Right, who're we up against. Takuma, Shingo, King, Benimaru, Kensou and some girl who's nametag says Moe Habana.  
  
Mai- Terry, three of us, six of them? Isn't Weakest Link normally ten contestants?  
  
Ralf- Who's the last one?  
  
King- It was supposed to be Tung Fu Rue.  
  
Terry- Thank fuck he's not here?  
  
Mai- What happened to him?  
  
Benimaru- They had him trapped in the lift on his way up here. It's soundproof.  
  
Ralf- But aren't there innocent people in that lift too?  
  
Benimaru- Sacrifices have to be made.  
  
In the lift, Tung is oblivious to what's going on. He's started another of his old man stories that make no sense. Tung can go on for up to twenty three hours without even needing to pause for breath. Five people are trapped in with him, desperate to get out, some dropping asleep.  
  
Tung-...Now then, where were we? Ah yes back when Mr Big was a social worker... Not many people know that Jhun is in fact a Communist rebel... or maybe that's Freeman... This was back when Southtown was nothing but fields and a laundrette... Did I ever tell you how Leona invented the colour orange...  
  
Innocent person- LET US OUT! FOR THE LOVE OF... zzzzzzzzz.  
  
Back to the studio, and the show's presenter comes out. Thankfully, it is not Anne Robinson this time, but Vanessa in a black outfit and glasses. A far more appealing presenter, but has producers decided to have her quite a bit ruder.  
  
Vanessa- Right, you bunch of no hopers. Let's start this game, so's I can go home, with my paycheque. Which is more than the prize money you're up for.  
  
King- Shouldn't you be a bit more polite?  
  
Vanessa- Shut up. I've got the script, you haven't. Therefore everything I say or do is indisputably right.  
  
King- Next drink I serve you, I'm spitting in it. Bitch.  
  
Vanessa- Right, let's start. Takuma, what year did the KOF teams tournament begin?  
  
Takuma- I can't remember. But... (pulls out his Mr Karate mask) Mr Karate might know!  
  
Vanessa- Well does he?  
  
Takuma- No, neither Takuma or Mr Karate know. But hang on, I've got several other personalities...  
  
Takuma has now removed his mask and shirt, believing himself now to be singer Iggy Pop. Vanessa turns away as he starts dancing. Shingo is next for a question.  
  
Vanessa- Shingo. Which evil deity played a big part in KOFs 96 and 97, and may be coming back?  
  
Shingo- That's easy. Johhny Cage from Mortal Kombat.  
  
Vanessa- No. Since you're a retard, I have to give you another chance. At least try this time.  
  
Shingo- Johnny Cage.  
  
Terry- We might have a chance after all.  
  
Vanessa- Try saying something different. You mean to tell me that a Mortal Kombat video game character is our evil deity. One more chance, and so help me, IF you say Johnny Cage...  
  
Mai-(whispering) Hey stupid kid. The answer's Orochi. Don't say Johnny Cage again.  
  
Shingo-(thinking VERY hard for a minute) Johnny Cage.  
  
This gets the dumb boy a punch in the jaw. Then it comes to time up. Due to wasted time, they have banked no money whatsoever. It's time to vote off the weakest link. Not easy with these losers to choose from.  
  
Ralf- I vote myself off. I'm shit at gameshows and have a feeling I'm missing out with sexy goth chicks.  
  
Terry- Trust me, you're not. I vote off Benimaru.  
  
Benimaru- Hey! I didn't answer a question.  
  
Terry- I don't like you're new leopardprint shirt. Urgh.  
  
Mai- I vote Takuma 'cause he now thinks he's Iggy Karate. A scary cross between Mr Karate and Iggy Pop.  
  
King- I vote Moe. Let's face it, no one cares about her.  
  
Vanessa- I agree. Moe, you are the Weakest Link, piss off.  
  
Moe- I've only had one vote!  
  
Vanessa- Who's presenting this show?  
  
Moe- You.  
  
Vanessa- That means I'm right, and you're wrong. I also have the right to change the rules for my own amusement. Goodbye.  
  
Moe leaves. The game carries on in this strange fashion, with more peole being kicked off. Half an hour later, it is only Mai and Shingo left. Mai's used the tactic of keep the idiot in, to give herself more chance of winning.  
  
Vanessa- Right. Only two of you left. All in all, you banked $50, which we now triple. making today's jackpot all of $150. I gotta say, you guys suck. Anyway...  
  
Mai- You mean the prize is only a hundred and fifty fucking dollars!?  
  
Vanessa- No one remembered to bank. Another rule change guys, I'm now competing with you.  
  
Mai- WHAT! NO!  
  
Shingo- Johnny Cage.  
  
Mai- SHUT UP YOU!  
  
Shingo- You mean that's not the answer?  
  
Vanessa- I get first question, which is, ooh look, an easy one. What is one plus one? Hmm, I wonder. I know, it's two, aren't I lucky? YAY!  
  
Mai- YOU ABSOLOUTE COW! I HATE YOU!  
  
And so ends the travesty of a King of Fighters Weakest Link special. Mai is furious at being cheated out of her pittance prize money. Ralf didn't score with any goth chicks this weekend, as usual. Shingo's still convinced that Johnny Cage is the answer to everything. And Moe Habana is still irrelevant.  
  
Producer- This is the LAST time we let KOF fighters do a quiz show special. 


	14. A worse boat themed story than Titanic

Episode 14- A worse boat themed story than Titanic.  
  
Southtown port. Kula, Bob, Gato and Ralf gather with a large group of other people for a luxury weekend cruise. They saw an advert on TV featuring Adel Heid, the son of Rugal having converted the Blacknoah, his dad's old warship into a holiday ship, with five star luxuries.  
  
Kula- This should be interesting. A holiday warship.  
  
Gato- At least it's a "free to all fighters" offer, since it's the first trip.  
  
Ralf- Where's Terry?  
  
Gato- He's coming with Mary. Something about romance.  
  
Bob- You are NOT getting me on that boat. Oh no.  
  
Kula- What's wrong with boats?  
  
Bob- I've seen fucking Apocalypse Now. The two black guys die first. I'm doomed.  
  
Mai joins the group, looking disappointed. Then Terry and Mary arrive.  
  
Ralf- Mai, what's wrong? You're not scared like Bob?  
  
Mai- Worse. I tried to seduce a group of sailors, and, believe it or not, all twenty of them were gay. How crap is that? Good looking well built, all gay!  
  
Mary(whispering)- Terry, I don't want to spend time with these people. Can we ditch them?  
  
Terry(whispering)- Of course. The ship looks big enough. There's gonna be some space without those guys.  
  
Kula- Hey, here comes that Adel guy.  
  
Gato- He looks like King in a Rugal outfit.  
  
Adel Heid comes down. He's dressed, as usual like Rugal. With him is Malin, and both are fixing up their clothes.  
  
Adel- Welcome guests. To the reformed Black Noah, with the best service and luxuries...  
  
Ralf- Has it still got the guns and torpedoes?  
  
Adel- Wish it did. Health and safety inspectors made me get rid of them, or make them useless.  
  
Ralf- AWW! Health and safety never let us have any fun.  
  
Kula- Malin. You and Adel didn't, you know?  
  
Malin- Yep. We fucked in the control room. I think we accidentally put on each other's underwear afterwards.  
  
Mary- EWW! Gross!  
  
Malin- You are so repressed cop lady.  
  
Mary- I am not! Terry, tell her I'm not repressed!  
  
Mai- And so's Terry. I mean, a monoganous relationship. You two are freaks.  
  
Adel- Anyway, enough hearing about monogany shit. Let's all get on board.  
  
Everyone walks on boards the ship. Because of the offer, all the guests are other fighters. Bob has to be dragged on by Ralf and Gato. On board, the boat has just about every luxury you can think of. The ship then heads off, for a weekend in the ocean, out in the arse end of nowhere.  
  
Bob- I'm not going! Don't like boats! Black guys and boats don't mix!  
  
Gato- Have you been at the crack pipe again?  
  
Bob- I needed it to try and calm down bred'ren!  
  
Ralf- There's other black guys in this ship. Look, isn't that Lucky dancing round like a spaz there? Anyway, where's the bar on this heap of junk?  
  
Hotaru- Big brother! You're here too! Yay, we can have some family time!  
  
Gato- I'm gonna fuck off too. Anyone asks, you haven't seen me.  
  
Ralf and Gato leave. Bob sees Lucky dancing. Much like Mr Clean in Apocalypse Now, he is getting down to "Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones on a small radio he's carrying. This only serves to convince Bob further of his own doom as a black man on a boat.  
  
Bob- Stop that! Don't you realise what you're doing?  
  
Lucky- If this is about me being a black Rolling Stones fan...  
  
Bob- Not that, I'll insult you for that later. You're helping to seal our fate, two black men, on a boat. Don't you ever watch movies?  
  
Lucky- You're weird, you know that. (singing along) I can't get no... Satisfaction...  
  
Bob- Don't come crying to me when you're the first one dead. Oh shit, there's a blonde guy surfing at the back of the ship. (it's Jhun) The signs. I'm doomed!  
  
Elsewhere, everyone else is having a good time. Mai is sunbathing topless and seducing people shamelessly until she sees Leona.  
  
Mai- Oh yeah, kid. Come here. Now, just because I've slept with Heidern a few times, do not call me mother!  
  
Leona- Uh, I never planned to. And there must be only about ten men in Southtown you HAVEN'T screwed.  
  
Mai- Good, at least we understand each other. I've had both Kyo and Yuri calling me mum for weeks after shagging their dads. Instead, I figured you could call me "Our Glorious Leader Who I'd Gladly Die For".  
  
Leona- Fuck you. Old whore.  
  
Mai- You're just jealous 'cause I get men and you don't.  
  
They hear a loud splash. Gato tries looking innocent, but fails. He has just thrown Daimon overboard into the ocean. Adel goes up to him to complain.  
  
Adel- Uh, Gato. I'd apperciate you not chucking guests overboard.  
  
Gato- He annoyed me. Big turd tried singing, but he just grunts like a retard.  
  
Adel- True, but that's the fourth one you've thrown into the sea.  
  
Gato- The others had to go over. K9999 and Shen Wu were pissing in the pool, and Bao was being Bao.  
  
Adel- Point taken, they're guilty. Carry on.  
  
Hotaru- There you are big brother. Gimme a hug. Why do you have to throw people into the sea?  
  
Gato- Because, uh... yeah that's it. They were thinking bad thoughts about you.  
  
Hotaru- That makes it OK. Isn't my brother sweet? (hugs him, to Gato's discomfort).  
  
Adel- (whispering) Since you hate Hotaru, why not throw her overboard too?  
  
Gato- (whispering) Can't. Last time I arranged an "accident" to have her killed, I had to pay thousands in Child Support.  
  
Later that night, Terry and Mary are at one end of the boat, alone. They tried having sex in their room, but were put off by the sounds of Mai entertaining Adel. So they've come up here, and are re enacting the stupid scene from Titanic, when Mary spots a little boat.  
  
Mary- I can fly, I'm flying... Hey, what's that boat?  
  
Terry- Dunno but it's coming this way. It's got a Communist flag. Think we should tell anyone?  
  
Mary- No. I mean, what harm could a suspicious looking boat in the middle of nowhere do?  
  
Terry- Hey, they've thrown a grappling hook up, andpeople are coming on board.  
  
Mary- Maybe they're guests. Or the ship's comedians.  
  
Terry- That one's carrying a staff. Wait a minute... shit!  
  
Out of the little boat, Billy Kane emerges, dressed in Red Army uniform. After him come his new lover Mature, Benimaru, Andy, Robert and Maxima all in similar uniforms. They are the Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks, and they carry guns.  
  
Billy- This is a raid! On behalf of the revoloution!  
  
Mature- We'll start with you two. Give us your money, valuables, and anything else which might interest us!  
  
Terry- Nice one Mary. For a cop, you have a shitty judgement of danger.  
  
Mary- That's not fair. Making desicions in the force isn't my job. My dog does it for us. We follow it's orders.  
  
Andy- Come on, hand over your stuff!  
  
Terry- Andy!? Has sibling jealousy got this bad, you join a third rate Socialist militia?  
  
Robert- We fight for equal treatment of heroes and villains sidekicks! We shall overcome!  
  
Mary- But you're rich anyway.  
  
Terry- What makes you think I'm letting my vastly inferior little brother rob me?  
  
Andy- The Militia has a rare copy of "White Shaft" that it is very tempted to sell to the local TV station.  
  
Embarrassed at the memory of his starring role, Terry agrees to hand over his money. So does Mary, as the dog never told them what to do in such a scenario. The sidekicks round up the other guests, to steal from them also. Adel looks suspiciosly calm. Ralf is drunk, Bob still convinced he's going to die.  
  
Billy- That's right. Hand your stuff to the nice rebels with the large bags and no one gets hurt. You're all helping a great cause. Be proud.  
  
Benimaru- Yeah, now our Militia can easily afford that home enertainment set up for our headquarters.  
  
Maxima- And nice furnitute and vending machines too.  
  
Militia members- ...Come on Krauser, give that gold plated armour up... Hinako, you're rich. You must have more than that... Nice sunglasses K', we'll take them... Athena, the necklace thing, now... Hand over your guitar Iori... etc.  
  
Ralf- Lemme see (hic)... I got, uhh, lint, I got (belch) scrunched up bit of paper...  
  
Andy- You don't have anything valuable. And you stink of cheap booze.  
  
The Socialist rebels go round, bags filling up nicely with stuff. Gato tried unsuccessfully to get rid of Hotaru by putting her in Maxima's bag. They are nearly finished.  
  
Kula- Don't villains usually hold a KOF tournament and plot world domination?!  
  
Robert- Yeah, but we're not real villains.  
  
Billy- Besides, the whole fucking "tourney and world conquest" thing's been done to death.  
  
Gato- True, that.  
  
Malin- Hey Mature? You still in touch with Vice?  
  
Mature- Bitch has that lucrative breakfast cereal "Vice Krispies" deal. Doesn't want to know common people like us any more. We're not good enough for her, she says.  
  
Billy- We'll get our own back on her love, I promise. We can burn down her mansion and kidnap her tomorrow.  
  
Mature- AHH! That's what I love about you Billy. You're so caring and romantic.  
  
Andy- We'd better go. Hey Adel, thanks for arranging everyone to be here for us.  
  
Everyone is shocked by this. Their host, Adel sold them out to the Militia. Out in the middle of the sea, there's no escape or chance or anyone seeing them. The rebels leave with their stuff, with the traitor, as well as Mai and Malin for some reason.  
  
Gato- You bastard! You sold us all out!  
  
Terry- We'll get you for this Adel! And don't expect a birthday present Andy! Uhh, not that I've ever got you any before...  
  
Adel- You have to admit, it was a great evil scheme. Didn't even have to hold a stupid tournament. And I get a cut of the profits. We've made loads out of you lot.  
  
Kula- Why are you taking Mai and Malin with you?!  
  
Mary- Not that we're not glad to get rid of them.  
  
Mai- We've been invited to the after robbery party. They promised us good money.  
  
Mary- Traitors!  
  
Malin- Deal with it. Just 'cause we're sexy and you're frigid!  
  
Mary- I am not frigid! Tell them Terry!  
  
Bob- We're all gonna die. Me first! No one's got a spear at least...  
  
Ralf- Shut up 'bout that long (burp) shit film will ya?  
  
And so a large group of much poorer than before fighters were stranded out in the sea. They were there three days before Heidern, in co operation with Mary's dog lauched a rescue operation. On the plus side, Bob didn't die, and the bar was still stocked. The Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks are still at large. This may be better or worse than Titanic, but it's ended up about as bloody long. 


	15. The inevitable shitcom wedding

Episode 15. The inevitabe shitcom wedding.  
  
A seemingly ordinary morning in the house. Gato sits on the living room widowsill with a sniper rifle. He is shooting passers by he's decided deserve to die. This is one of his main hobbies. No one who'll be missed, so he won't get into trouble. Kula is in the room with him.  
  
Gato- Let's see, traffic warden, (BLAM!)... Kid is "Busted" T shirt, (BLAM!)... Girl who looks like Fallon Bowman, she can live... Jehovah's Witness, (BLAM!)...  
  
Kula- Oh Gato. Your not gunning down strangers again, are you?  
  
Gato- Only those who deserve death. It keeps me sane. Now shut up, you're putting me off.  
  
Kula- Whatever. (under her breath) fucking weirdo.  
  
Gato- Where was I... Old lady with little yappy dog, (BLAM! BLAM!)... Washed up 90s boyband star, (BLAM!)... One of NESTS old Kyo clones, (BLAM!)...  
  
Kula- Yeah, put that clone down. Never liked them.  
  
Terry enters with Mai, Ralf and Bob. He has news, and is not particularly excited about it. Gato stops his slaughter for now to listen with the others.  
  
Terry- Just got a call from Athena. Me and Kula are invited to her and Kensou's wedding this afternoon.  
  
Bob- What, and not us? That's not fair bred'ren.  
  
Kula- You don't even like them.  
  
Bob- Neither do you two.  
  
Terry- He's got a point. But she said, and I quote, only "nice and good" people are invited. And we have to dress smartly too.  
  
Mai- I'm "nice and good". Once in a while. Especially to my legions of sexy male fans everywhere, or those who give me money and presents.  
  
Ralf- Aw Gato, are you shooting people again? How many times do I have to fucking say this. Ask me before you use one of my guns.  
  
Kula- I don't wanna go. Why me?  
  
Terry- Me neither. Hate weddings, and the shitty parties afterwards. Oh by the way Kula, you're a bridesmaid.  
  
Later on, at Southtown's most fancy church. Various guests, who are considered "nice and good" sit around on the benches. Terry is on one of these, and his bench includes Joe, Duck and King. Everyone is dressed up in suits or dresses. Kensou stands at the end of the aisle, with that old guy from SVC Chaos who flies around in a cloud. This is the priest today.  
  
Terry- I'm bored. And I didn't know any of the hymns.  
  
Joe- This suit sucks too. Why do I have to wear a tux?  
  
King- I only came 'cause it's health and safety inspection day at "La Illusion"  
  
Duck- Andy not coming, Terry?  
  
Terry- No, he hangs out with them Commie weirdos now.  
  
King- Didn't they bomb Kain's limo on sunday?  
  
Joe- The music's starting up.  
  
Terry- Hopefully they'll be done quickly.  
  
The "Here comes the bride" music starts up. Everyone is surprised to see not Athena, but Shingo enter. Worse, he is dressed as a Smurf, having painted his skin blue, and put a pillow on his head. Kensou is embarrassed, everyone else is pissing themselves laughing. Shingo does a little dance to the music, before it cuts out.  
  
Shingo- Hey, you stopped my entrance music.  
  
Kensou- Shingo?! What are you doing here now?  
  
Shingo- I'm late for the wedding. Had to sort my suit out.  
  
Kensou- About that, what's with the Smurf look? This is a wedding, not fancy dress.  
  
Shingo- I know. But I figured I better not turn up dressed in my usual Kyo style outfit. With all those NESTS clones running around, everyone's copying my style. Wanted to stand out.  
  
Cloud guy- He's suceeded there.  
  
Kensou- Shingo, go outside far away from anybody else. And try not to think too much.  
  
Shingo- Oh, OK. Sounds like fun.  
  
Shingo leaves. After a minute, the music starts again. This time, it is Athena, dressed in a big, frilly, posh looking white dress. Her bridesmaids are Karou, Hinako, Bao in a dress, and a miserable looking Kula. They walk halfway down the aisle, when Duck interrupts her.  
  
Athena- Uh, yes?  
  
Duck- It's just the theme tune I mean, "dum dum der dum, dum dum der dum."  
  
Athena- It's traditional wedding music.  
  
Duck- But it's boring. There's no rythm to it.  
  
Joe- He's got a point. Duck would have done you a great remix. For free.  
  
Athena- Listen you two. This is my wedding, it WILL be perfect. Like a fairytale.  
  
Terry- I never liked fairytales myself.  
  
Athena- Can you all be quiet?  
  
She meets Kensou at the end of the aisle. The old fart in the cloud starts the speech. Some guests are asleep. The loving couple look at each other adoringly, as they exchange rings.  
  
Cloud guy- We are gathered here to join these two, balh blah. Kensou, do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?  
  
Kensou- I do.  
  
Cloud guy- And do you Athena, take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?  
  
King- Say no Athena. Run off with Yamazaki and have his children.  
  
Ramon- That'd be cool to see. The kids of a goody two shoes, and a phsycopath.  
  
Iori- If I just sit here and do nothing interesting, I'll still be the most popular guy here by far.  
  
Athena- Will you guys shut up?! I'm trying to get married. I do.  
  
Cloud guy- Blah blah, and if anyone has a good reason why these two should not be wed... (sees Kasumi raise her hand up) Yes dear.  
  
Kasumi- Nothing. I've just always wanted to cancel someone's wedding to ruin it. For a joke you see.  
  
Athena- Could you not do it at our wedding?  
  
Kim- She's only having a laugh with you. Can't take a joke?  
  
Cloud guy- Oh shit, trouble.  
  
Kensou- No swearing at our wedding... uh oh.  
  
At the other end of the aisle, four people not invited have burst in. They are drunker than Chin after a pub lock in. It's Mai, Ralf, Gato and Bob, and they are tunelessly trying to sing Rancid's "Spirit of '87". Bob pushes Ralf in a shopping trolley, and Mai wears a novelty jester hat, with bells. They stop the song as they walk towards the couple.  
  
Mai- We're here. All together now, on three...  
  
All four- Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear...  
  
Gato- What's their names again? (pointing to the nearly weds)  
  
Bob- Angel and Brian, I think. Or is it Hotaru and Lin?  
  
Athena- It's not our birthday, we didn't invite you guys.  
  
Kensou- It's not that we don't like you, but you did ruin our dinner party last month.  
  
All four- Happy Ramadan!  
  
Athena- It's not Ramadan, we're not Muslims. We're Athenaists.  
  
All four- Congratulations on your new baby girl!  
  
Athena- We don't have a baby girl. We haven't even... (blushes)  
  
Kensou- You know what we mean... (blushes too)  
  
Ralf- Do you want one? (pulls out a baby girl they found at the mall) I'm not quite sure how you work her, and she's starting to stink of piss. And god, is she loud.  
  
Mai- You mean you haven't fucked? EWW! That's not natural.  
  
Terry- You've been together ages now.  
  
Athena and Kensou are speechless, upset at how things are turning out on their big day. Ralf hands the baby girl to King, hoping she might want it. Mai gets up to make an announcement. It's not her wedding, but she's Mai Shiranui, everybody loves her. Except a good many wives/girlfriends/female relatives of her legions of male admirers.  
  
Mai- Anyhow, I may be drunk. But I'm still the sexiest woman here by miles. Now, if you'll excuse me, I really gotta throw up.  
  
Bob- Charming. We really needed to know that.  
  
Mai- (spotting Shermie) You, open your handbag, NOW! Emergency, I had a really bad kebab on the way here.  
  
Shermie- No. Puke somewhere else, bitch.  
  
Mai- Oh crap, I can fell it coming, here we go...  
  
Shermie- Mai, NO! Please, EWW! All in my lap!  
  
Gato- Should have given her your handbag.  
  
Mai vomits again, Exorcist style, into poor Shermie's lap. The woman is now crying. There are bits of kebab in the puke. Elsewhere, a bored Kula wants to have a bit of fun.  
  
Kula- Ralf, can I go start a fight with someone?  
  
Ralf- Course you can dear. Have fun now, you earned it.  
  
Kula- YAY! Thanks. (sees Rock, and throws a ball of ice into his head) Hey Rock, are you looking at me funny?!  
  
Rock- Might be! (jumps up and hits her back) What are you gonna do about it?  
  
Ralf- FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!  
  
Shingo- Hello, can I come back in?  
  
Everyone else- NO! GO AWAY!  
  
Shingo- But there's a storm outside, and Mahatma Gandhi's trying to kill me.  
  
Bob- Gandhi? Are you sure, bred'ren?  
  
Shingo- No wait, sorry. It's Mr Big. I got confused.  
  
Everyone- PISS OFF!  
  
Shingo leaves, and the Chaos continues. Bob has pushed the old guy out of his cloud and hijacked it, flying around at breakneck speed. Despite being drunk, ill, and in a stupid hat, Mai seduces Heavy D!, and they head for the confession booth. Kula and Rock's fight now includes Kim, Leona and Ramon, battle royale style. Ralf is out of the trolley and trying to drown Bao in a pot of holy water. Terry, Joe and King have found the communion wine, and are busy drinking the wine store dry, with a few other guests. Duck is on the church organ, trying to work on a new wedding soundtack, complete with rapping. Iori sits watching paint dry, and still manages to look really cool and popular. Until Kasumi asks him about his sessions with Whip, and why he and Kyo lost the mayoral elections to Rugal's panther. The nearly wedded couple are horrified that their wedding has descended into this madness.  
  
Athena- It's all gone wrong! All I wanted was the perfect wedding, and two people as good and cute and innocent as us deserve that! And then we were going to create and star in our own nice sitcom!  
  
Kensou- With pleasant innoffensive humour! Not like this filth and garbage! A lovely suburban, middle class setting, people as nice as us...  
  
Gato- Will you two get over yourselves. Get your heads out of your arses.  
  
Kasumi- This whole rose tinted, "isn't everything nice" view of the world is crap.  
  
Athena- This is even worse than the holiday where "Johnny Maximum" attacked us and stole our lovely new caravan!  
  
Kim- Stop fucking whining and have some fun with us.  
  
Gato- Anyway, I'm going up to the bell tower. Got unfinished business to sort out. Ralf, I'm borrowing your sniper rifle again, and there's sod all you can do about it!  
  
Ralf- Just make sure I get it back in one piece. And you owe me four grenades from last wednesday.  
  
Gato climbs up to the top of the bell tower, to deliver his unique brand of "justice" to strangers. Athena and Kensou run off crying at how their big day was ruined, and they don't even have a decent wedding video to bore future guests with. They plan to get married later in a secret location on a Chinese mountain with no guests invited. The chaotic "party" continued for two days, until someone realised the "happy couple" were no longer around.  
  
Just doing my bit to comply with sitcom law, which states there must be at least one big wedding. The Sitcom Police are here now, forcing me to write using the threat of making me watch a "Will and Grace" series DVD. 


	16. This is the end, beautiful friend

Episode 16. This is the end, beautiful friend...  
  
It is the last morning of the show. The six housemates are very excited at the prospect of all this crap coming to an end. That and the great big paycheques they've all been promised. While they wait, they are all watching TV, which shows a brutal fight between Ryuji Yamazaki and a nameless Japanese karate man in a white outfit, red bandana combo. There is nothing else even remotely interesting about the man. Obviously, Yamazaki is kicking the man's arse, and attacks him with his knife.  
  
Ralf- So who's that guy getting completely thrashed?  
  
Gato- Dunno. Probably another KOF wannabe headed for an early grave.  
  
Kula- He tried throwing a blue fireball, but Yamazaki shot it back in his face.  
  
Ralf- This is why they don't just let any old fool into KOF.  
  
Mai- How do you explain Bao and Daimon's presence then?  
  
This question loses Ralf, and the others, no one can answer that one. On the TV, Yamazaki puts the karate guy out of his misery, gutting him with the knife. The same fate thing earlier when Vice snapped the neck of a blonde American karate man in red, and Mr Big killed another karate guy with stupid looking red hair wearing black. This is quickly forgotten as the post is heard through the letterbox. Terry runs down to get it, anxious at their big paycheques to come. He comes back up, all excited, and so are the others.  
  
Terry- Yay! Money, about time and all!  
  
Bob- And no more living in this dump, bred'ren.  
  
Mai- I'm rich! And so are you lot too.  
  
Terry- Alright everyone, here's your envelopes. (passes them round, and begins opening his own) I'm gonna spoil Mary with all this... (his face drops)... fifty two fucking dollars!  
  
Kula- I only got fifty bucks! That's rubbish!  
  
Mai- Not fair! I got fourty nine shitty dollars! How much did you get Bob?  
  
Bob- I don't believe this! Fourty six, that's it!  
  
Gato- That's nothing! I got thirty seven bucks as my pay!  
  
Ralf- More than me! Twenty nine dollars for all my work!  
  
Terry- We've been cheated! Damn the producers!  
  
Mai- Let's go to their office and demand an explanation!  
  
The gang go to see Goenitz, who is the main producer of this pile of shite. They storm into his office block, having beaten up sixteen office workers, five sercurity guards, two janitors and a bicycle courier. They are very angry, and want the money they deserve for all their hard work. Goenitz sits at his desk, surronded by his six main stars, who are out for blood.  
  
Ralf- You old turd! Where's our cash! You promised us thousands!  
  
Gato- Yeah, pay up. We did your shitty show.  
  
Goenitz- Oh, about that...  
  
Mai- Well, let's hear it. Bastard.  
  
Goenitz- Thing is, "KOF S(h)itcom Hell" wasn't the massive success I was counting on it being. My head of marketing at the time sold the show to a small late night cable channel for twelve Twix bars and a shiny penny. And this channel only get an audience of seventeen, plus a monkey. As a result, all the merchandise didn't sell...  
  
Bob- You told us this was gonna be huge! That we were saving the world from endless "Friends" repeats!  
  
Kula- Does this mean I'm not getting my own spinoff TV series, like I was promised!?  
  
Terry- This should have been a surefire hit! Who the hell was your marketing guy!? Shingo!?  
  
Goenitz- (looking guilty and embarrassed) How did you find out? Did someone tell you?  
  
Mai- How the fuck did HE come to be in charge?! Everyone knows he's a spaz!  
  
Goenitz- It was a worker's strike. We were desperate enough to take absoloutely anyone. And as it was a school holiday, I took Shingo off the street, put him in charge and buggered off to Las Vegas for a week.  
  
No one can believe that an idiot like Shingo was put in charge of multi million dollar deals. During his time there, Shingo also traded the company's stock shares to Jae Hoon for a Pokemon card. The guys laugh at this for a minute before remembering their quest for fair pay, like what was promised them.  
  
Goenitz- And then I had a run of bad luck at Vegas. And of course, we had to use a lot of money to resolve the strike. After that we used millions to create the advertising campaign for "Vice Krispies". And then of course we had to pay to cover up your little, how shall I put this, crime before the show began.  
  
Terry- (looking guilty, so are the others) Dunno what you're talking about.  
  
Ralf- We didn't do nothing. Honest.  
  
Goenitz- The incident involving May Lee? Oh come on, you know there were supposed to be SEVEN housemates. I copied the number of people off a US MTV show no one watches called "Real World".  
  
Bob- Uh, what happened to May Lee was an accident.  
  
Kula- Yeah, her attempted murder was not our fault... (is kicked by Mai) OWW!  
  
Mai- Not that we'd know of any attempted murder. But honestly, who's gonna miss her?  
  
Ralf- She'd have made the show unbearable. May Lee's KOF's answer to Jar Jar Binks.  
  
Bob- Or the Architecht from the Matrix. Or maybe Forrest Gump.  
  
Terry- I always thought more Scrappy Doo. No one likes him either.  
  
We flash back to the day before the show started. Our heroes, plus May Lee leave Goenitz's office ready to start. The six who made it to the show are already really annoyed at the girl, an overexcited, hyperactive goody two shoes. All seven were chosen for their very different personalities, and then offered a massive paycheque at the end if they agreed to do it. The unwanted girl has already made it clear she'll do everything to ensure the show stays clean, and there is no swearing or naughtyness of any kind. If anyone's interested, May Lee's intro would have been "The annoying goody goodie" had she made it to episode 1.  
  
May Lee- Isn't this exciting you guys? Us, in our own sitcom, imagine the things we'll get up to. All family friendly shenanigans suitable for everyone. Oh we'll have such fun.  
  
Gato- Why'd we get given such a pain in the arse?  
  
Bob- Producers said it'd be another fun mismatch to have her in the house too. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna skin up and get high.  
  
May Lee- None of that. this is going to be a nice show, like Little House on the Prairie. I love that show. So no naughty drugs, (to Ralf) no weapons from you, (to Mai) no strange men coming round, in fact no sex before marriage...  
  
Mai- You're fucking mad you know that.  
  
May Lee- No swearing now. Think of the children watching. We have to set a good example. I'm sure me and Kula will be best friends. Two cute teenage teenybopper girls living in a house together.  
  
Kula- Don't go getting any ideas. I'M the cute one. Me, not you.  
  
May Lee- I wonder what our theme music will be? Something wholesome, maybe easy listening. Everyone likes easy listening music. Because it's easy to listen to.  
  
Ralf- (whispering) She has GOT to go. She'll make it all shit.  
  
Terry- (whispering) But how? Producers decided to choose her, we're stuck with her.  
  
Gato- (whispering) I've had an idea.  
  
After Gato whispers his plan to the other five actual housemates, they with their soon to be victim make a trip to Southtown port. A large, suspicious looking steel crate is placed at the end of the pier by Bob and Ralf. Attached to this crate is a very heavy lead weight. May Lee's mind doesn't even register that she might be in danger, as they start their plan to get rid of her.  
  
Mai- See that big box May Lee? We need you to climb inside of it.  
  
May Lee- Why? It looks dark in their, and I'm scared of the dark.  
  
Terry- Uhh, there's evil stuff in that box.  
  
May Lee- What kind of evil stuff?  
  
Bob- Not sure. But you can guarantee that it's very evil.  
  
Kula- And with you being such a great hero of justice, you have to save us.  
  
Terry- Now come on. What would Kim say if he saw you not fighting evil?  
  
Ralf- He'd be very disappointed. Maybe even beat you like he does Chang and Choi.  
  
Mai- Not like you've got to worry. You're a justice hero. No evil you can't defeat.  
  
Gato- What kind of a hero's scared of the dark?! Shame on you.  
  
May Lee- That's right! I am! Alright evil stuff! Korea's new great hero, May Lee is coming to kick your behind until you start being good! It'll take more than the scary dark to defeat me!  
  
Ralf- "Kick your behind"?  
  
May Lee- Even when battling evil, one mustn't use naughty words. Sensitive children might hear.  
  
She jumps into the box, after which it is closed and locked. There is no way out, and the group shove the crate right into the sea, weight and all. They then celebrate the success of their scheme by going to King's bar, the last thing they heard May Lee say was "I can't find any evil stuff yet, and the dark is scary." Unfortunately, she didn't drown, but was found by divers looking for treasure Jenet had lost one time. Back to the present, Goenitz has told them of May Lee's being found again.  
  
Goenitz- And she was telling anyone who'd listen how the "evil stuff" must have affected your minds, and how you tried to drown her in the ocean.  
  
Terry- So why aren't we being arrested for attempted murder?  
  
Goenitz- I paid a fortune to have her locked away in the Southtown loony bin before she could get to the press. I was more worried about her allegations ruining the show than you guys getting into trouble.  
  
Gato- Oh thanks, bastard.  
  
Kula- At least she's locked away.  
  
Goenitz- So as a result of all this, plus a raid by the Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks, I cannot possibly give you any more money. The amount you've all been paid was chosen at random by me picking your names out of a hat.  
  
Bob- That's not good enough, bred'ren.  
  
Goenitz- And before I forget, the "new kid" who was brutally shot to death by gato and Kula in episode 12 too. They'd intended him to become a big player in KOF's history for 2004.  
  
Ralf- That guy was doomed. Any retard could spot that a mile off.  
  
Goenitz- You could always sign up for series two. Or would a different batch of fighters be a better option?  
  
Mai- Guys, he's starting to piss me off.  
  
Ralf- You've got three seconds to give us the thousands of pounds you promised Goenitz.  
  
Goenitz- Or... or else what?  
  
Kula- And I want my own spinoff series, since I'm so cute and lovable.  
  
Terry- Shut up Kula. Three... Two... One...  
  
Goenitz still does not pay. As a result, all six proceed to beat the seven shades of shit out of their producer. Everything from light punches and kicks, to the most powerful SDM moves are all used. By the end of his savage beating, the old man is unconcious, with scores of broken bones. After this, the angry cheated ex housemates continue to wreak their havoc by trashing the building, and stealing anything that looks valuable. They come out an hour later, having loaded a van with twelve stolen computers, four vending machines, the petty cash box and the entire reception desk.  
  
Terry- Right, so the show's over. Thank fuck. I'm off to spend some much needed quality time with Mary. I promised to treat her like a queen.  
  
Gato- Soppy bastard.  
  
Terry- Just 'cause no one likes you. So what's everyone else doing?  
  
Mai- Oh, the usual I guess. Seduce people with lots of cash, and try to fulfil my autobiography deal.  
  
Bob- Me and the rest of the old Harvard Potheads to are taking a holiday to Holland. Legalised weed. Yeah.  
  
Gato- Weren't the Harvard Potheads just you and Duo Lon?  
  
Bob- We'll pick up a few hangers on to tag along.  
  
Ralf- Heidern says I have to go back to work tomorrow. So I guess it's more missions, blowing things up, and operations in Kosovo while disguised as an Australian backpacker.  
  
Kula- I'm still gonna try and get a spinoff series, and I suppose go to school. Diana's moved in full time with Whip though, so I'm not sure where I'm supposed to be living at the moment.  
  
Mai- I can take you on full time as a "Chibi Dancin' PokeMai" (TM) if you like.  
  
Terry- Oh no, just remembered. It's the end of the sitcom...  
  
Gato- So?  
  
Terry- So we're supposed to give everyone watching moral guidance to live by, like every other sitcom.  
  
This is rather sudden, and takes them by surprise. They rack their brains trying to come up with morals that you lot at home should follow in dya to day life. It's a real struggle to come up with any good ones though.  
  
Bob- Uhh, don't do bad stuff. I'm really trying here guys.  
  
Ralf- What kinda shitty moral message is that? We've been doing bad stuff. Even little Kula.  
  
Mai- Don't sleep with ugly people unless they happen to be very rich.  
  
Terry- That didn't stop your threesome with Raiden and Axel Hawk.  
  
Mai- I was drunk at the time.  
  
Gato- Always kill people who deserve to die.  
  
Bob- We can't be seen to be supporting murder.  
  
Gato- Not murder if they deserve it.  
  
Terry- Oh god, this is hard. Never suck on the exhaust pipe of a truck.  
  
Kula- Oh, great one Terry. Always have blue hair, a slim body and really cute eyes. While wearing purple.  
  
Mai- Shut up you little shit.  
  
Ralf- Eat "Vice Krispies" 'Cause they're really nice.  
  
Terry- Ralf! You don't advertise "Vice Krispies" unless she pays us a fortune for it.  
  
Bob- Since Vice is loaded, she should give us some cash. I heard she employs Rugal as a toilet cleaner?  
  
Kula- This moral message business is too hard.  
  
Gato- Yeah, sod it. Let's just go.  
  
And so the six now ex housemates went on their seperate ways. Having failed to come up with any sort of moral guidance for the kids. With this in mind, doing many of the things these people have done could get you hurt, sent to therapy, arrested, dumped by girl/boyfriends, possibly killed. The theme song "Road to Nowhere" by Talkingheads plays, a very appropriate choice, and the perfect description of where this sitcom's been going. They will reunite with other supporting characters for a one episode "Behind the scenes" special edition.  
  
And there you have the end of all this long lasting madness, far longer than I'd originally thought it would be. I'd like to thank Mr Lewis/Ninjitsuwolf for his many great ideas, including having them do "the Weakest Link", and the sex crazed teen Malin among others. I hope you've enjoyed it, if not, it makes fun model aeroplanes if you print each episode out. Hey, and remember, "Your bone's got a little machine". 


	17. Behind the scenes Cast interviews

Behind the scenes. Cast interviews.  
  
Goenitz's studios. A few weeks after the series finishes. The six main stars and a whole load of supporting characters are gathered round. They're here to take part in a post show interview.  
  
Before the series.  
  
Terry- I saw an ad in the paper that said "Wanted, KOF fighters to star in a reality show/sitcom. Earn a ton of cash!". I figured what the hell, it had to be better than my "White Shaft" shit. Plus I hoped it would impress Mary, me on TV.  
  
Mai- When I saw the ad, I thought "Mai, you HAVE to get a main part on the show". So I seduced Goenitz, and paid people to break Jenet's legs. She was competing for sexy housemate too, you see.  
  
Ralf- Us Ikaris get a load of time off after KOF ends. So I had nothing better to do, and figured being a major TV star would be a big help when I go out saturdays to pick up goth chicks. Hasn't worked yet though, but it's early days.  
  
Bob- I ended up on the show by fucking accident bred'ren. There I was, on my way to the Pao Pao from Rick's drug den. I end up in the wrong place, and some media guy tells me a stoned rasta would be good for their show.  
  
Kula- For me, this show was a chance to show the world how cute and lovable I am. I had to ask parental permission, being a kid. Never did get Diana to answer when I asked, though Whip was spanking her at the time.  
  
Gato- They actually came to me and asked me to star in it. I'd finished my weekly fluffy animal massacre, and some media guy comes up to me, and tells me they need an "antisocial bastard who hates everyone".  
  
In the beginning.  
  
Kula- I remember first coming to the office, and seeing the guys I'd be starring with, my five housemates, plus May Lee who we all know didn't make it.  
  
May Lee- It's not fair! I never got to be on TV. OWW!  
  
Mai- Shut up you little shit. (hits her with the fan).  
  
Gato- My first thoughts seeing the other guys were something like "What a bunch of hopeless fuck ups".  
  
Ralf- I knew they'd all make me and the series look bad.  
  
Mary- I just wanna say that if I NEVER see Terry's co stars again, I'll die a happy woman.  
  
Terry- And then there was the house. Oh god, that house.  
  
Bob- It was a run down dump. We were given brochures of a nice penthouse.  
  
Mai- It wasn't all bad. My room was lovely.  
  
Krauser- I MAY have told a teeny little lie about the house. Those brochures were done in the 70s. Besides, the house has character, style.  
  
Terry- At least MTV Cribs found it, uh... interesting.  
  
Kensou- Athena and I live across the street from it. It's an eyesore and ruins our lovely neighbourhood. It ought to be demolished.  
  
Athena- Yes, the house is horrible. I suppose it suits a sitcom which quickly descended into filth and naughtyness.  
  
Those crazy co stars.  
  
Mai- People have said how all the co stars helped make the show as great as it is. That's a lie, I did all the work, I'm the only reason anyone ever watched and cared about it. Me.  
  
Joe- Shut the hell up. You're just cheap sex appeal for the stupid people. Guys like me make this show godd.  
  
Bob- No bruv, you lot were just there to fill space.  
  
King- I think the series's' biggest weakness was a lack of "King" in a major role every episode. That would have ruled.  
  
Shingo- I don't know what "KOF S(h)itcom Hell" is, but I did a massive fart last sunday. It was brilliant.  
  
Duo Lon- Piss off Shingo. You're not helping.  
  
Terry- And HOW did that retard get a bigger supporting role than the lovely Mary? That's just wrong.  
  
Mary- You tell 'em Terry. Defend my honour.  
  
Iori- And why did I, the most popular guy only get a tiny role? And was made to look like a prick when I did appear.  
  
Terry- It's just a shame we never got to prove the existence of Johnny Maximum. Imagine, his first ever appearance in a KOF spinoff...  
  
Ralf- Terry, for fucks sake. J Max DOES NOT EXIST!  
  
Maxima- Yes he does, you've got to believe. Like I now believe in the revoloution for unappreciated sidekicks.  
  
Them weird goings on.  
  
Ralf- You know, I still can't believe some of the stuff we did through the series.  
  
Kula- How I managed to stay nice and innocent through it all I do not know.  
  
Bob- We got in so much trouble from animal rights groups for the time we ate Mars People.  
  
Shingo- I liked the bit where the Johnny Cage and the green elephant came and did hiphop covers of Norah Jones songs.  
  
Malin- Uh, Shingo. That never happened. Fuck off.  
  
Mai- I just wanna say that Malin here is a great kid, with talent. She will do well in life with her skills. Like me.  
  
Terry- I can't believe my brother Andy hijacked us with those commie weirdos.  
  
Andy- The revoloution had it's first major triumph in that episode.  
  
Billy- We will continue to fight the good fight on behalf of all sidekicks, and getting ourselves a massive DVD collection.  
  
Duck- Will you lot stop going on about your rebellion shit in this interview.  
  
Billy- You fear us. Everyone shall fear us.  
  
Rock- The museum was interesting. So much Southtown history. Who'd have thought we had a Japanese samurai goth chick living here with poetry powers?  
  
Shiki- That description of me was bullshit! And I had an episode cut out, they said they "couldn't take it anywhere".  
  
Ralf- I still have no idea who thought it would be a good idea to have us on the Weakest Link. That was fucked up, I mean, they had Shingo competing, saying "Johnny Cage" a lot.  
  
Overall thoughts.  
  
Terry- Well, despite the strain all this put on me and Mary's relationship, I kinda liked the whole thing.  
  
Andy- We were just playing ourselves really, which is good, 'cause Terry's a crap actor.  
  
Mary- It would have been nice to show me doing some real police work.  
  
Malin- But you're a useless cop. As was proven during the hijack. Anyway, this sitcom's been a great way to meet many interesting men, and my personal hero, Mai Shiranui.  
  
Ralf- Why couldn't they show me getting off with at least one girl? I thought TV would help me.  
  
Michael Max- I was only briefly mentioned. But the show put me back in retro fashion. Kids now wear my T shirts, buy toys of me, and "The Michael Max Experience" is currently being filmed. All retro 1992 style, where I defeat Orochi single handedly.  
  
Gato- Oh great. A long forgotten no hoper comes back in fashion. I caught Hotaru with a giant teddy Michael Max yesterday.  
  
Vanessa- I enjoyed presenting and winning the Weakest Link. Even though those fucks only got me $150.  
  
Mai- You cheated us out of that prize money bitch. Anyway, I liked the show, because I was shown in the best possible way.  
  
Bob- What, by sleeping with anything male, sister girl?  
  
K9999- Not everything. She turned down me and Shen Wu.  
  
Hotaru- I just wish they'd have shown big brother when he does nice things, instead of making him be moody and violent.  
  
Joe- Reality check. Moody and violent IS what Gato's all about.  
  
Gato- My favourite scene was when we were about to eat Ralf. I just would have liked to actually eat the fucker for real.  
  
Shingo- SPONDOOLICKS! WIBBLE!  
  
Mature- What the hell are you on about?! Prick.  
  
Shingo- Dunno. Just felt like saying it. It just came into my mind, like... AAAAHHHH!  
  
(Johnny Maximum briefly appears and beats the shit out of retard boy. Then he promptly disappears again. No one else has even seen him once again.)  
  
Bob- What happened to Shingo, bred'ren?  
  
King- Who cares. He's unconcious, and unable to talk any more bullshit. HOORAY!  
  
Terry- I'm telling you, it looks like a J Max attack happened without any of us noticing.  
  
Kula- The guy is a fairytale. Honestly Terry, you were supposed to be the normal average one here.  
  
Iori- How is it that a phantom footballer gets more attention than a super popular guy like me?  
  
Duck- Shut up Iori, or we'll tell Whip you've been a naughty little girl!  
  
Iori- Is that a promise? I'll iron my Miss X outfit, and then...  
  
Everyone else- SHUT THE FUCK UP, PERVERT!  
  
Ramon- Hey look. We made Iori cry. What an exclusive this is going to be.  
  
Malin- I wish we did see J Max. Would have been nice to sleep with an urban myth.  
  
Mary- Is sex all you think about? No wait, don't answer that.  
  
Mai- Ignore Mary, she's repressed. She likes monogamy, I mean, what sort of freak only goes with one man? EWW!  
  
Terry- Come on everybody, gather round. It's the final shot of the series. Group shot.  
  
Everyone involved in the series sits in rows, with Terry, Mai, Ralf, Bo, Kula and Gato in the most prominent positions. The unconcious Shingo is simply dumped on the ground. Unseen by anyone, J Max reappears, throws May Lee and Daimon out of the shot and sits amongst the cast. They all smile except Gato who is throttling Bao. The final shot is complete, J Max has gone again, and so's Shiki as she was never actually part of the series.  
  
Ralf- Hey? Where'd the good looking goth chick with the tattoos and knives go? I was planning to seduce her.  
  
Bob- Yeah right. Like you'd have been able to.  
  
Hotaru- Why couldn't you smile just once for the shot big brother?  
  
Gato- (thinking up an excuse) That little shit was... thinking bad thoughts about you again. He needed strangling.  
  
Vice- Plus the simple fact that he's Bao. Oh yeah, eat "Vice Krispies". Or I'll kill ya. Thank you.  
  
Terry- Oh yeah, before we forget. We'd like to thank all the fans that stuck with us, laughed at the strangeness of it all, and well, simply liked us.  
  
Kula- What about people who didn't like the series.  
  
Bob- They're just scum Kula. Their opinions mean nothing.  
  
Ralf- If you see one, you should kick their fucking heads in. Or maybe set them alight. That's fun too.  
  
Everyone laughs. It is now the end of "KOF S(h)itcom Hell". Shingo wakes up to make an announcement no one's been waiting to hear.  
  
Shingo- I've seen the future. I'm gonna run for President of the USA!  
  
Teery- Oh no. With Bush as his competition, Shingo's got a very good chance of getting in!  
  
This thought worries everyone. They can only hope that he forgets it all. Fortunately, he does withing three minutes, announcing that he'd like to be a lamp post when he grows up.  
  
The end. For real.  
  
Note- There was going to be a chapter involving Shiki having accidentally ended up in the present. But after starting, I couldn't take it anywhere, so had to scrap it. Shame, as I really like Shiki. 


	18. Why don't you get a job?

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 18- Why don't you get a job?  
  
Our six ex housmates, Terry Bogard, Mai Shiranui, Ralf Jones, Kula Diamond, Bob Wilson and Gato are reunited, sitting around their old kitchen table. With them is producer Goenitz, who's brought them back for more crazyness. The very small (needs a magnifying glass to read) print on their contracts stated that he could do this. Right now, he is explaining a new idea he's had, and the stars are not impressed.  
  
Goenitz- You see guys, we want to experiment here, do something new. Let's see how fighters like you fare doing day jobs, working like average people.  
  
The Others- WHAT THE FUCK!?  
  
Mai- You don't understand, I don't do the "W" word.  
  
Gato- You mean there's something you won't do? I heard from a lot of men that you'll do anything.  
  
Terry- Shut up you guys, this is serious. You can't do this Goenitz.  
  
Bob- Dunno what you guys are moaning about. I work at the Pao Pao cafe. Uh... sometimes anyway. Last month I had to wash a dish, can you believe, bred'rens?  
  
Ralf- And I have a job in the Ikari mercenaries. We work really hard, you know.  
  
Terry- Bullshit. I saw you and the others setting up a picnic, on your "mission".  
  
Ralf- You have any idea how hard we had to fight all those families for that perfect spot?  
  
Goenitz slams the table to get their attention as they start another argument. Now they're taking notice of him, Kula remembers something.  
  
Kula- Ha ha, I don't have to work. I'm just a kid, still at school, and I'm not going today. I'm gonna sit here and play Metal Slug all day until my thumbs bleed and my eyes go bloodshot again.  
  
Terry- Not this time. If we have to suffer with work, you're going to school.  
  
Kula- Damn!  
  
Goenitz- Anyway, Bob and Ralf are going to their regular jobs. Mai, got you a place at "La Illusion" with your friend King.  
  
Mai- No way, screw that. I'm not serving other people. I live to be served by all, especially hunky men.  
  
Goenitz- Gato, you'll love this, you're going to work at Southtown Zoo, and as for Terry, ooh you got a good one.  
  
Terry- Well, what is it?  
  
Goenitz- You're placed at Eolith, helping them make a new KOF game that they're sure will make fans like them and worship them, and consider SNK shit in comparison.  
  
Ralf- Fuck me, Eolith are still around?  
  
Next day, they have gone they're seperate ways to various jobs, and in Kula's case school. First is Terry Bogard, wearing a suit and tie in the Eolith offices. He's been counting paperclips for an hour as his first task before the head of Eolith comes to see him.  
  
Eolith Head- Terry, you can stop that now. You'll be working with our designer. You'll be given exclusive first looks at our amazing new characters.  
  
Terry- Really, who've you got this time? You're last ones in KOF 2001 were hardly impressive.  
  
Eolith Head- Quiet, filthy minion. Don't disrespect Eolith's characters. We're cutting out a lot of old favourites to make room for them. Like we did King in 2002 and Jhun in 2001. And there's gonna be a helluva lot of Kyo too.  
  
Terry- Oh no, not more Kyo clones.  
  
Eolith head- Oh yes, everyone loves Kyo. And, we're gonna rewrite the story with a lot of illogical changes. To make the KOF brand ours. One is that it'll be revealed that your mother is Athena.  
  
Terry- that's crap! She's younger that me, and we have no connection.  
  
As he gets ready to meet the Eolith designer, we now go to the Pao Pao Cafe. It's changed a bit for this week, manager Richard Myer has changed the name to the "Bao Bao" Cafe. It's his idea of attracting more families, and Bob is not happy at all. There's a massive picture of the little turd in the window.  
  
Bob- Not another fucking theme week, Rich! No one likes Bao anyway! This is worse than when you did the "Hao Hao" cafe, based on that Hsu Hao guy in Mortal Kombat, making us wear Village People hats.  
  
Richard- That brought in the gay customers. Now that you mention hats, here's you're big yellow Bao hat, I want you to wear this all week.  
  
Bob- This is getting worse. We'll have no customers.  
  
Richard- wear it, I spent a fortune bulk buying these. Now get in the kitchen, you're weird gothy friend Duo Lon's doing the dishes.  
  
Outside, Joe Higashi and Duck King are making their way towards the "Bao Bao" before stopping in their tracks.  
  
Joe- You know, I'm a bit sick of this place. Let's try somewhere else.  
  
Duck- Yeah, I hear Xiangfei's restraunt is pretty good now.  
  
Bob- You see?! Even our regulars are leaving, bred'ren.  
  
Across the street from here, we now see Mai in a waitress uniform at "La Illusion". She turns up three hours late, and King is seriously pissed off at her, despite being her friend. As King is female, mai can't use her usual "charm" so resorts to high school type excuses.  
  
King- Where the hell were you?! We need you, it's the lunchtime rush!  
  
Mai- Yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah... uh, sorry I'm late. I was dead at the time.. no, that's not it... Kula ate my alarm clock, oh shit...  
  
King- Just start serving people Mai.  
  
Mai- Aw crap... (goes up to a group of people at a table) Yeah, what do you want, and why should I care?  
  
Customer- Well, I want a gin and tonic, my wife would like a...  
  
Mai- No way, this is getting hard. (sees Sally and Elizabeth, King's two waitresses) You two, servant type people. Take their order, and get me a cocktail while you're at it.  
  
King- Mai, you're here to work. And as Sally and Elizabeth are full timers, I'm putting them in charge of you.  
  
Mai- You can't do that, they're inferior to me. The world revolves around Mai Shiranui!  
  
King- Girls, if Mai gives you trouble, you have my permission to hit her.  
  
Mai screams in horror at taking orders from girls she used to make outrageous demands of. At Southtown Zoo, conveniently Kula's class are here on a field trip. Gato is nowhere to be seen yet, and their teacher Seth is getting annoyed.  
  
Seth- Where is our guide. I'm wasting time with these kids, when I could be in the Zoo cafe spreading gossip about Iori Yagami. Ah well, at least that moron Shingo's not here.  
  
Kula- Where is Shingo sir. Did you have him sent to the asylum again.  
  
Malin- I heard he got a job where he fits in perfectly.  
  
Rock- Yeah, he's the KOF story writer for Eolith now.  
  
Hotaru- Hey, big brother's here.  
  
Seth- Thank god, OK kids, be good, I'm off.  
  
Gato has arrived, wearing safari gear and a Victorian style plinth helmet. He also has a large heavy bag.  
  
Gato- Right kids. It's my job to drag you around to look at dumb animals. Now then, that there is a monkey which I'm told is endangered, and very rare. (to Dong Hwan) Boy, look in my bag and fetch me my hunting rifle.  
  
Dong Hwan- Rifle!? Can you do that?  
  
Hotaru- Are you crazy. It's an endangered monkey. He's so cute.  
  
Gato- Exactly, what are the chances of me seeing one again. In the wild, that monkey would not hesitate to kill you and, I dunno, turn you into Chicken McNuggets or something. No way I'm passing this up, now then, aim... that's it... (BLAM!) Gotcha. (Monkey falls down dead, "Monkey gone to Heaven" by the Pixies plays out of nowhere)  
  
Kids- AAAIIIIEEEEEE!!!!!!  
  
Elsewhere, two of the main Ikari mercenaries Ralf and Leona are outside Southtown's biggest supermarket, about to launch "Operation: Do the monthly shopping." They have a big list this week, and no one, not even hardened battle veterans likes spending ages in supermarkets.  
  
Ralf- Tell me again why we agreed to this mission. Why couldn't we have a cushy one like "Operation: Pick the newspaper up?"  
  
Leona- Heidern's still mad at us for last week. After we got drunk, stole a submarine, and tried to invade Greenland claiming we were the "Honourable Duchesses of Chaos and Misrule."  
  
Ralf- Oh yeah, anyway, here's Clark now. Hopefully he's got the change we need for the trolley.  
  
Clark Steel heads towards them, for some reason struggling to carry a heavy couch, newly bought and wrapped in plastic covering.  
  
Leona- Clark! What the hell's that. We asked you to go to a local shop to get change, 'cause we need a quarter coin for the trolley?!  
  
Clark- The only store willing to give me change was a furniture store. I had to pay nearly $300 just to get our quarter. On the plus side, this couch is really comfy and soft.  
  
Leona- Forget it. Suppose we better start now. Shit, I really don't wanna do this.  
  
Ralf- I hate these places. Look at all the people wandering around like zombies, really depressed. And they've probably got supermarket "muzak" in there too.  
  
Will the Ikaris complete "Operation: Do the monthly shopping"?, Will the "Bao Bao" cafe get a single customer? Can Mai survive following orders and instructions? What Gato do next at the zoo? And who are Eolith's "Amazing" new characters? Find out in the next part.  
  
Note- I hated KOF 2001, Eolith really butchered that one. Plus the nonsensical stuff like making Whip a clone AFTER SNK had said she was human, if they continued, Athena probably would end up Terry's mum.  
  
Note 2- Hsu Hao is a really generic character in MK Deadly Alliance, a musclebound henchman in a Village People hat. 


	19. Take this job and shove it

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 19- Take this job and shove it.  
  
At the Eolith building, Terry has been taken in to meet their character designer. The guy looks about twelve, tubby, wearing an anorak and "Neon Genesis Evanglion" T shirt. With him are quite a few fighter types Terry does not know. Half of these are heavily themed on Kyo, some just clones.  
  
Designer- Hi, Terry Bogard. Meet the KOF new guys you'll be sharing the next game with. You and quite a few others will have to just be extras to make room for them, but you're probably used to that.  
  
Terry- At least I'm in I suppose. So who are these losers, and will any of them matter to me?  
  
Designer- Ah, you'll love these guys. Let's start with the Kyos first, our plan is for every team to gain a Kyo clone. That's Kyo-3 (a different coloured Kyo), there's Kyoko, you might remember her from KOF 2000 (the striker girl dressed as Kyo) that's Kyoen Masters (A blonde Kyo in a red karate gi), our token bad clone is Freddy Kyoger (A Kyo dressed as Freddy Kruger), the one in the schoolgirl outfit is KyoGo Yubari (A Kyo dressed as GoGo from Kill Bill).  
  
Terry- This is getting worse and worse. Fans will never accept these rejects.  
  
Designer- And, I admit it, we were short of ideas for this last one, called "Kyo in a Hat" (the name gives it away). Now, onto our all new characters. Following Eolith policy, we've based them on existing characters found elsewhere.  
  
Terry- Oh for fuck's sake...  
  
Away from Terry's frustrations, Mai Shiranui struggles at "La Illusion". She is getting nowhere trying to take an increasingly pissed off group of customer's orders. Sally and Elizabeth watch over her laughing as she continuosly screws up.  
  
Mai- What was it you guys wanted, fuck, I forgot. Take this glass of warm tap water. You can share it.  
  
Customer 1- Those aren't the cocktails we wanted!  
  
Customer 2- What took you two hours to get that water anyway... oh wait, she's Mai Shiranui. I know all about you.  
  
SallyElizabeth- HAHAHAHAHAHA.....  
  
Mai- You two shut up, or I'll have you murdered. You bitches are enjoying watching me suffer, aren't you?!  
  
Sally- Yes. We hate you, always have, always will.  
  
Elizabeth- All those unreasonable demands. making us open the bar at 4am just for you, changing the channel during the football game everyone was watching for "Sunset Beach"...  
  
Mai- Well I like Sunset Beach. Everyone else should too. So that makes me right.  
  
King- Mai, since you're hopeless with customers, you might as well clean out the toilets. You'll find the brush stuck in one of the loos in a five week old turd.  
  
Mai- Aw screw that, I'll get dirty. And it stinks in there too. I'm sexy, I'm gorgeous, I shouldn't be made to do this crap. You're all just jealous because men come to me and not you.  
  
King- There's nothing sadder than an aging bimbo Mai.  
  
Mai- I DO NOT AGE!!! I'm like a fine wine, I get better, a fine wine, not the crap you serve the customers!  
  
Mai heads for the toilets. With a cry of "Fuck me it's horrible!", we leave her to visit the "Bao Bao" (usually Pao Pao) Cafe kitchen. Bob and Duo Lon sit sharing a joint and staring intensely at a foodstain on the wall. Piles of cooked, unordered food sit on the worktops, they've not had a single customer.  
  
Duo Lon- Aww whoah. It's turning into Fairuza Balk from that movie The Craft.  
  
Bob- No it's not. That is so obviously Beyonce, oh man she's hot. See, you'd have to be blind to miss that. She's doing that "Crazy in Love" dance.  
  
Duo Lon- Any idiot can see that's Fairuza. She's so sexy...  
  
Bob- It's Beyonce... (an angry Richard snaps them back to reality) uhh, crap. It's that guy we work for.  
  
Richard- What the hell are you two no hopers doing!? Where's your Bao hats?! You two getting stoned puts our customers off, besides, I want that stain cleaned off!  
  
Duo Lon- Threw my hat in the trash. Chill, we ain't had a customer all day.  
  
Bob- I told you this Bao themed crap would scare them off. Look at us, business hasn't been this bad since that Shingo idiot did work experience here. Even taking the big picture of Bao out of the window might help.  
  
Richard- "Sigh"I hate it when you two are right. This theme week's ending today, now, gimme a puff of that joint... (takes a drag) Ooh look, that stain on the wall's become Drew Barrymore...  
  
As they get higher, the Ikari trio are in the middle of "Operation: Do the monthly shopping." Leona's on trolley duty, as Ralf and Clark load up with stuff. Their spirits are being sucked away by the supermarket muzak, now playing "Hey Ya" by Outkast, as performed by a Perry Como soundalike.  
  
Clark- Found these boxes, so I got twelve. Dunno if they're on the list, but I like the look of the packaging.  
  
Leona- Put 'em in. I'm sure we'll find a use for, ewww Cranberry and Turkish Delight pies!  
  
Clark- Yuck! (throws them aside) This shopping stuff is tougher than I thought. (sees Ralf come back, bleeding and bruised) What happened to you?  
  
Ralf- You think you got problems? I managed to find something actually worth buying for a decent price, only for hordes of shoppers to attack me for it. Got my fucking head kicked in by little old ladies.  
  
Leona- Brace yourselves guys, we've got more of this shit to come. There's ten more aisles, and the list is three pages long.  
  
All three- AWW NO!  
  
Clark- I can't take it any more. Game over man, game over.  
  
Ralf- Let's abandon this mission and go.  
  
Leona- Can't. Heidern will kill us if we do. This is the only store that stocks his favourite brand of medal polish. Hey, it's the free sample guy. Maybe it's something good this time... (they all rush to him)  
  
Ralf- Dammit! He's got small cans of wood preserver stuff! What good's that?!  
  
As the mercenaries lose all hope, Gato is guiding Kula's school class round the zoo. He's avoiding animals he's decided are boring, and taken them to the tiger cage. Some children are very nervous, particularly as Gato's opened the cage and made them stand at the edge. The tiger's asleep.  
  
Hotaru- I don't like it here, big brother. I want to see the pandas.  
  
Gato- No you don't. Pandas are crap. They sit there and do boring stuff like crosswords all day. Now then kids, I'm going to show you what happens when we poke tigers with sharp sticks.  
  
Kula- My god, he's completely lost it.  
  
Rock- (Gato puts a sharp stick in his hand) No, no way. Not me.  
  
Gato- Go on. Do you want the others to think you're a sissy? Now poke that tiger. That's what he's there for! Poke him, show the girls you're a real man!  
  
Malin- Yeah Rock, show us you're a real man. I don't sleep with scaredy cats.  
  
Nervously, Rock tiptoes towards the tiger, with Gato and Malin shouting insults at him. He gently brushes it with the stick. To his releif, the tiger stays asleep, as he dashes away from it.  
  
Dong Hwan- Aww. I wanted to see it get up.  
  
Gato- That was no good, what a crappy tiger. (goes up to the tiger and kicks it) Aren't you? I said who's a crappy tiger then? I'll turn you into slippers...  
  
The tiger wakes up and angrily charges at Gato. The phsycotic Zoo guide sidesteps it, pulls on it's neck, until there is a sickening snap. The tiger lies dead with it's head lopsided. Some kids are crying now, all are screaming, most in fear, Malin in joy.  
  
Gato- Look at it, see how stupid it looks with it's head all out of place. Laugh at him, go on.  
  
As Gato leads the kids to his next spot of lunacy, Terry is bored shitless at Eolith. He is not impressed with the Kyo clones, or the prospect of having one on his team. Especially as the designer wants to cut Mary out to make room for "Kyo in a Hat".  
  
Terry- You can't drop Mary! Everyone likes her, you'll be lynched! Would it kill you guys to do a bit of work and employ brand new fighters with their own original personas and gimmicks?  
  
Designer- Use of the naughty "O" word will get you fired around here, sonny. First up, there's our Chinese kung fu girl, who we're naming Zhun Mi (a blatant Chun Li wannabe in a green dress). Here we have the orange wearing Lin Kuei ninja Brick. Our token anime ripoff comes in the form of Sailor Asteroid here (a cute magical schoolgirl with huge eyes and a short skirt). We've also copied Hollywood and brought in Jim Crambo there (a cheap Rambo knock off, with half Sly's personality).  
  
Terry- But these guys all suck.  
  
Designer- I know. Which is why we're also hoping to bring Angel back, this time only wearing a tiny thong. I'm hoping this will take attention away from these rejects. Hey Shingo, how's you're write up of the new KOF plot going?  
  
Shingo- Great. I've just finished the bit where Robert takes seeks revenge on Benimaru, who will scratch his car with a screwdriver. Plus of course the love affair between Geese and Athena. Oh yeah, I'm still working on the build up to make Fatal Fury's Alfred the surprise new main hero.  
  
Designer- Great work. With all these illogical changes, KOF will finally belong to Eolith, and nothing the unwashed masses of fans can say will stop us...  
  
Terry- Uh, whatever. I'm going now, to... uh, take my break. Yeah, that's right.  
  
While taking his "break" Terry phones many KOF regulars, who he's been told will be cut from the lineup. By the time he finishes his coffee, twenty or so enraged, regular and semi regular fighters storm the Eolith building, and cause havoc. By the time his break is over, the designer has been beaten senseless, all the "new" fighters lie dead and every plan and note for Eolith's new KOF has been placed on a large bonfire.  
  
Meanwhile, at "Operation: Do the monthly shopping", the Ikari mercenaries have filled their trolley with all sorts of stuff and are at the back of a very long queue. Their hopes for a quick exit after paying are dashed. Some irritating shit in front is using a cheque to pay for a can of coke, taking up valuable time.  
  
Leona- OK, she's going now, and the next guy hasn't got much. We can do this.  
  
Clark- Think again, he's paying in pennies, and he hasn't got enough.  
  
Guy in front- I'll pay for the rest in string, how 'bout that?  
  
Checkout girl- Aw fuck. The till's broken!  
  
Ikaris- NOOOOOOOO!  
  
Clark- Now we'll never get out of here! We'll be stuck here forever!  
  
Ralf- And the muzak's now playing Slipknot's "The Heretic Anthem" by Mr Perry Como soundalike!  
  
Leona- Guys, we're Ikari soldiers! We're not finished yet. I've got an idea, it involves this little grenade, and you two doing the stuff with the punches and bodyslams...  
  
Leona tosses her earring bomb into the queue. It's not fatal, but hurts like hell, and Ralf and Clark rush through, attacking crowds of shoppers. While this happens, Leona takes the trolley, speeding past the counter and they all rush out, surprised to meet Heidern outside.  
  
Clark- Uh, hi sir.  
  
Leona- What are you doing here, dad?  
  
Heidern- You were taking hours, so I came to check on you.  
  
Ralf- Mission accomplished sir.  
  
Heidern- Oh really, what's all this shit?! (looks into the trolley) Thirty three rolls of tinfoil, a deluxe pack of cat food, a video of "Ash Crimson and Miss XXX". I send you out on a simple mission, we get all this worthless crap! You're all on punishment duty, teaching home economics to small children for a month!  
  
The others- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Much later on, our six housemates working days are over. Mai and Gato were fired, Eolith no longer exists and Ralf turns up in an apron. Back at their house, Goenitz waits for them, having been charting their progress, and he has more bad news.  
  
Goenitz- Guys, I love the idea of having fighters do a hard days work. So I've got you all new places, and...  
  
Terry- Oh no. We're not going through this again!  
  
Mai- I had to clean toilets because of you! Well, I was supposed to, but I met that Grant guy on the way. Remembering I hadn't fucked him yet, one thing led to another and...  
  
Kula- OK, we really don't need to know this Mai!  
  
Goenitz- Come on guys, co operate with me. Think of the viewers, they like seeing reality, people doing everyday things.  
  
Ralf- Will you shut up, thanks to you, I teach little kids home economics!  
  
Terry- Let's get him!  
  
The Housemates- Yeah! Die you old fart!  
  
And so Goenitz found himself on the receiving end of a savage arse kicking from his stars.  
  
Note- The jobs theme was based on me going back into full time work last month. Since "KOF S(h)itcom Hell" got the most nice reveiws, I figured I'd bring it back for everyone to endure, sorry enjoy.  
  
Note 2- The crappy Eolith "new" characters were my idea of what might have been, had they continued with the KOF licsence. 


	20. The idiots abroad

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 20- The idiots abroad.  
  
A change of location sees our housemates, and many other fighters in Osaka Japan for the weekend. The reason for this is that they are attending the annual "SNK-A-Thon" fan convention. This takes place in a large building filled with SNK themed stalls, stands, and crowds of fans, some of the freakier ones choosing to dress up as their idols. Mai Shiranui has really got into the spirit of things, surrounded by a horde of devoted, mostly horny fanboys.  
  
Mai- That's right people, gather round. You may all begin worshipping me as your idol now. There's more than enough Mai to go round, so take your time.  
  
Fans (chanting)- We... love...Mai... Mai...Is...God... (They then begin to shower Mai with money and gifts)  
  
Mai- I love the effect I have on the masses. It's only right they acknowledge me as their queen. (Sees Gato and Bob in a corner) Hey Gato, look! I've got my own cult of devotees. Aren't I just the greatest, and sexiest person in the whole world ever?!  
  
Gato- Piss off. You're fans are all sex starved losers. I didn't even wanna come.  
  
Mai- You're just jealous because I'm universally well loved, and you're a miserable bastard no one likes.  
  
Bob- So why were there a crowd of women at our door with burning torches shouting "Death to Mai!"?  
  
Mai- Wives and girlfriends of the men who adore me. Jealousy does that to people. Come along lowly minions, you may all take photographs of me, which if you're lucky and I don't get tired, I might sign...  
  
Away from the sickening Mai worship, Ralf walks around checking out various stalls and eating a "Genuine Kensou Pork Bun". He is very surprised to find crime boss Mr Big working at a "rare SNK games" stall. His ho's stand around sexily, posing with the games, which all look like cheap half arsed unofficial copies (they are).  
  
Ralf- What the fuck... Mr Big? What are you doing working at a stall? Community service?  
  
Mr Big- Are you kidding? This job's great. I get lots of money, and really get to connect with diehard fans. Watch this (spots a randon fanboy, dressed as K') Hey you? You want this "King Of Fighters 96, five months and nineteen days?" Very rare, a real collectors item?  
  
Fanboy- No way. (Looks at the box) This looks like a crappy Mugen ripoff. And you sucked too.  
  
Mr Big- (grabbing the fan and waving a stick in his face). I didn't ask you whether you wanted it, I told you that you do! You WILL pay me 600, 000 Yen for it and you WILL sign up for my mail order scheme!  
  
Fanboy- Yes sir Mr... uhh, Mr Big sir! Second thoughts I'd be happy to! (takes out a wad of cash)  
  
Ralf- I'm impressed. You're ability to sell useless crap at bank breaking prices. Learn that during your career as a crime boss? Before you ask, I'm not buying anything. Uhh, hey look, Bonne Jenet's doing a striptease over there! Bye... (runs off before Mr Big can "persuade" him to buy "Fatal Fury 4- Wrath of Hwa Jai")  
  
Meanwhile fanboy favourite Iori Yagami walks around, giving autographs, posing for photos and enjoying praise. A few overly excited fangirls come up to him, with pads of paper and cameras. One nervously comes up to talk to him, giggling uncontrollably. Iori treats it as just another group of fans who love him.  
  
Fangirl 1- Excuse me... hee hee, Iori?  
  
Iori- What can I do for you cute girls, autographs, pictures? Sex in my hotel tonight?  
  
Fangirl 1- Not really. We were just wondering, could you tell us where Shingo Yabuki is? Hee hee.  
  
Fangirl 2- He's so cool. He's really stupid, but he's still lovable. We wanna meet him.  
  
Iori- What!? Why in the name of Orochi would anyone want to see that retard instead of me?  
  
Fangirl 1- So you can't help us? You're no fucking good are you? (They walk off, Terry and Mary approach, having seen it all)  
  
Terry- Bad luck Iori. I thought everybody loved you?  
  
Mary- I think he's lost it. Come on Terry, I wanna go to the "Samurai Showdown replica weapons" stall.  
  
As Mary begins to walk off, another fangirl comes up to Terry. She is incredibly cute and sexy (like one of them oh so perfect manga girls), and wearing a hat like his, an "I love Terry" T Shirt and little else. Looking at him seductively, it is very clear what she wants, and Terry is very tempted. Just as our hero is about to say "yes" Mary rushes back and drags him away roughly by the neck.  
  
Mary- What do you think you're doing?! You were going to cheat on me with some shameless hussy you've just met! Admit it, you would have, how could you?!  
  
Terry- But Mary... she's... look at her? She's really... You'd have been the same if it was a man like that!  
  
Mary- That's beside the point. Now, I want you to sit there, and think unerotic thoughts. You'd better not even think about her, or I'll beat you with the replica Charlotte sword you're going to buy me.  
  
Terry- But I...  
  
Mary- Unsexy thoughts NOW! I'm watching you. Think of the world's biggest turn offs!  
  
Terry- Uhh... cold showers (works until an image of the girl in a shower appears in his mind) No wait! Hmm, bagpipe music (has the right effect until the girl comes back to his mind, in a very short kilt and blowing the end of a bagpipe, minus the hideous music ) OK, unerotic, how about rugby, nothing sexy there! (works until she appears again, this time in a very tight rugby shirt and tiny shorts)... Aw god this is hard..  
  
Mary- I'm warning you Terry!  
  
I didn't mean that sort of "hard" Mary, I swear! Let's see, unerotic unerotic... the Tellytubbies! German accents! Fatman Scoop! Bits of food between the teeth! The smell of dog food! Ash Crimson dancing in a leopardprint thong on a cold day! (all thoughts of sex leave him) Mary, I did it! I'm cured!  
  
As Terry and Mary celebrate all things unsexy, Kula wanders around aimlessly until she spots the Southtown Socialist Militia For Ignored Sidekicks. Billy, Mature, Andy, Benimaru, Robert and Maxima have their own stall and shout about their "revoloution" to the crowds. Their stall is surrounded by flags, party manifestos, and pictures of their achievements.  
  
Kula- What exactly are you guys selling?  
  
Billy- We're selling "Revoloution" to the masses! We're gonna overthrow the so called heroes!  
  
Random fan- But I like Kyo.  
  
Andy- No you don't! You only think you like Kyo! You've been brainwashed by the man!  
  
Kula spots a picture of them in camoflauge gear with metal baseball bats standing over the beaten body of Ryo Sakazaki.  
  
Kula- What's this?  
  
Mature- Oh that, what a day that was. (Shows picture to the crowds) This is when we captured Ryo, and re enacted a scene from that "Manhunt" game. We're dressed as the Wardogs.  
  
Benimaru- We didn't actually kill him. But he sure learned his lesson.  
  
Kula- Do K' next! Please? He cheated on me, and then went gay! (see earlier chapters)  
  
Maxima- Ahh, poor thing. See how they treat innocent people, clearly too young to be their lovers!?  
  
Token SNK Executive- Hey! You guys! No advertising non SNK games in this convention! Or you're banned next year!  
  
Billy- You're days are numbered! We know where you live!  
  
Kula leaves after being given an "I support the SSMFIS Revoloution!" T shirt. At the other end, Bob and Gato find a stall being run by irrelevant Fatal Fury 1 boxer turned retro icon Michael Max. As he's now back in fashion, Michael's store is made up of his own merchandise, including overpriced rubbish from the upcoming movie "The Michael Max Experience"  
  
Michael- Hey guys. How about a movie poster? Action figures? There's me of course, Alfred, who plays "crap sidekick" in this film...  
  
Bob- How the hell can you do a movie about yourself. You showed up briefly in one tournament, before quickly losing bred'ren.  
  
Michael- I am the plucky underdog! And this movie tells the "true" story, in retro 1992 style of how I single handedly defeated the Orochi. (hands them a movie postcard of himself punching what is quite obviously Brian Battler dressed up as Orochi)  
  
Gato- This is fucked up. In fact, so's this whole convention. Look, everywhere, stupid people, some in crappy home made costumes.  
  
Bob- Give 'em a break, they're fans. We need them, they love us (sees a fat bearded man cosplaying as Shermie) AAHHHH! OK, I could do without that guy. Jesus that's disturbing! Eww, sick!  
  
Gato- How could this get any worse?  
  
Hotaru- Big brother, I found you! Come with me, you said we could go together. Let's go to Athena's stall, I want the Phsyco Soldier's Greatest Hits DVD, with the free outtakes disc! And then we cango for a ride on the fun looking Metal Slug Camel! YAY! This is fun, come on big brother!  
  
Gato- Don't answer that Bob.  
  
Gato is pulled away by his excitable sister. Bob turns away to find undersized Mexican wrestler Ramon being harrassed by a particularly stupid fanboy.  
  
Dumb fanboy- Gabba Gabba Hey!  
  
Ramon- What? Can I help you?  
  
Bob- Oh, I get it, he thinks you're one of the Ramones.  
  
Dumb fanboy- So which one are you supposed to be? Are you Dee Dee Ramone? Who's Sheena, and is she really a punk rocker? Is it true you were once a rent boy?  
  
Bob- He's not one of those Ramones, retard. Dee Dee's dead anyway.  
  
Ramon- Do I look anything like one of that group!? This is an SNK convention, what would one of the Ramones be doing here!?  
  
Dumb fanboy- Now you mention it, youdon't look a thing like Dee Dee, or any of the others. You suck, you're a fraud.  
  
The madness comes to an end, and many people, fighters and fans leave having spent lots of money on merchandise. The six housemates plus many other SNK stars board a plane headed back for Southtown. Former soldier and regular at Rick Strowd's drug den John Crawley is one of the pilots. His original co pilot quit, claiming John was a "Reckless, drug addled fuckwit, who shouldn't be flying a plane!" Which is true.  
  
John- OK guys, I got an announcement. My co pilot quit today, probably jealous of my cool Top Gun aviator shades. He had to wear ugly Coke bottle glasses. But don't worry, I've found a replacement.  
  
Terry- Oh thank Christ for that. I thought we'd be delayed.  
  
John- Now, he's never flown a plane before, but he seems like an intelligent kid...  
  
Joe- A kid. I don't like this.  
  
Athena- Never flown a plane before?  
  
John- So I want you all to give a nice big hello to your co pilot, what was your name again?  
  
The co pilot turns to face the crowd, and it is... Shingo Yabuki. The moronic teen comdey relief fighter stands there in a pilots uniform, giving a thumbs up. Everybody is screaming at the thought of their lives being in the hands of this spaz.  
  
Shingo- Good question. My mum writes it on my underwear now, after the time I woke up thinking I was Mukhai, do you ever get that? Anyway (looks into his underwear) Malin, that's my name! No wait, I don't think these are mine. Come to think of it, are these my feet? (stares at his feet, confused)  
  
Kula- NOOOO! Not Shingo!  
  
Kim- Anyone but him!  
  
Joe- We're all gonna die! I just know it!  
  
John- OK Shingo, let's get ready for takeoff.  
  
Terry- It's not fair, how does he do it?! Everyone knows he's an idiot.  
  
Yashiro- Almighty Orochi, please don't let me die again. Not like this.  
  
After three failed attempts, where they nearly crashed into buildings, the plane is in the air. They're flying in a really haphazard way, that even stuntmen would consider too much. They even loop the loop once or twice, which caused quite a few passengers to vomit all over themselves. The plane then stops suddenly in mid air, and they begin to fall.  
  
Ralf- What the hell are you guys doing!?  
  
Mary- Fly the fucking plane dammit!  
  
John- I wanted to stop, and show you all this really interesting looking cloud at the side. If you stare closely at it, squint, and have taken lots of drugs this morning, it kinda looks like Mudman from World Heroes.  
  
Duck- We're falling! Do something! Now!  
  
Shingo- Mudman? I think it's more the third enemy soldier you meet in level one of the fourth Metal Slug game myself. Maybe it's because I didn't take the drugs this morning.  
  
Getting bored of the screaming passengers, John and Shingo make the plane fly again, away from the cloud (that just looks like any other cloud). They manouever the plane around in circles for a bit for no apparent reason before John takes out a map book. It is a "Hitchhikers guide to rural Transylvania", not the most useful thing to have right now.  
  
John- OK, Southtown, that's in the States.Which is west...  
  
Shingo- So let's go that way! (points in a direction completely wrong)  
  
John- Nice one. I like you're quick thinking. Let's turn those speed thingies up as far as they'll go.  
  
Passengers- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Gato- We're doomed! Doomed I tell ya!  
  
Kyo- I'm frightened! Save me!  
  
Leona- Fuck this, I've had it! (storms off towards the parachute cupboard) HEY! Where's the fucking parachutes!?  
  
Shingo- Oh those things. We thought it'd look really funny if we attached them all to the plane wings and let them open up as we flew. You can see out the windows.  
  
Bob- Aw no, he's right for once! Look!  
  
Through the windows, every parachute can be seen opened out at the back of the wings. Everybody but the insane pilots is now completely terrified. If they have to abandon the plane and don't quickly grow wings or something, they are truly fucked.  
  
Ralf- Gato, even though I hate you! If I die and you survive, you can have the sniper rifle in my gun collection! I promised the M60 to Leona just now!  
  
Kula- I'm too cute and lovable to die! Save me somebody!  
  
Kim- Don'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon'tlookdowndon't (plane loops the loop again) AAAAAIIIIIIIEEEEE!  
  
Athena- OK guys, as your goddess, I demand that you land this plane safely on the first bit of land we see!  
  
Shingo- Yeah, well we're the pilots, and we're more important than you.  
  
John- So sit back down and shut up. Now, since people are getting worked up, I thought we could have the in flight movie now.  
  
Mai- Whew. At least that might help us stop thinking about this.  
  
Griffon- What's today's movie guys?  
  
John- Dunno about you lot, but I love a good disaster movie.  
  
Takuma- Guys, I seriously don't like the sound of this.  
  
Shingo- So we're treating you to an entire run of the "Airport" series from the 70s.  
  
They sit screaming at the sight of various airport disasters from the movies the brilliant "Airplane"originally spoofed. John and Shingo are now hyper as well as insane, thanks to drinking an entire family pack of Coke cans. Another plane comes towards them, and they decide it'll be fun to fly straight towards it, playing Chicken. They turn on the "Apocalypse Now" helicopter scene music full blast.  
  
Mary- I can't take this any more! Terry, if I die, I'm sorry I thought you'd cheat on me!  
  
Terry- That's OK Mary! If I die, I have to admit, I'd have slept with her!  
  
King- Kick him to the curb Mary! Assuming we live!  
  
John- OK guys, who wants to take bets. that the wussies on the other plane will back away before us. I bet they're shitting their pants right now!  
  
Bao- So are we! I just have! (everyone looks at him disgusted) Uhh, sorry guys...  
  
Shingo- Here they come! Closer... closer... I'm gonna moon their pilots when we see them through the windows. (they come very close, revealing the Metal Slug team in the other plane) Moonie! Ha ha!  
  
The Metal Slug plane expertly dodges the crazed lunatics,and Shingo's bare arse. Then unexpectedly, they manouver closer, until the doors meet. At this point, Marco, Fio, Tarma, Eri and the two introduced in part four burst in armed, and take control of the plane (their own being flown by two beardy ex hostages). After this, the team safely fly everyone back home to Southtown.  
  
Everyone that is except Shingo who when the door opened decided he wanted some fresh air. Popping his head out, the moronic teenaged fighter fell out and plummeted down toward the sea. Being the world's luckiest idiot, he landed unharmed in a cruise ship full of cute fangirls.  
  
Note- Manhunt. A brilliant, incredibly violent game for the PS2 and Xbox, by the guys who did Vice City. You played a convict being hunted down by vicious gangs for a crazed movie director. The Wardogs were one of these groups, a crew of military nutters who talk about being "Stiffer than a geriatric's hip". 


	21. Revenge of a phsycopath and his camel

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 21- Revenge of a phsycopath and his camel.

It is "games night" in the house, and our housemates are having a good time with their SNK games collection. Everybody sits in front of the TV, with Terry's Neo Geo plugged in and Kula and Gato furiously playing Samurai Showdown 2. Everyone else is cheering, shouting mostly useless tips and eating snacks.

Gato- It's not fair, I always lose! The controllers stiff, normally I'd kick the crap outta any of you!

Kula- Gato, we've all beaten you at every game. Every games night we have. Go on Nakoruru, chop him up! Set the bird on him! KILL! (furiously taps the buttons, performing moves Gato could never hope to)

Gato- It's not fair anyway, your girl's got a bird helping her. Aw no, my little green Freddy Kruger guy's dead. Gen-an Shiranui. Hey Mai, any relation?

Mai- Uh, no! Never heard of him, he's not my uncle honest... (goes bright red) Oops. He's ugly, and embarrassing. And he's got a serious breath problem. Plus he's unpopular, unlike me of course. He's the Kurtis Stryker of Samurai Showdown, most people hate him, and so do I.

Bob- Ha ha, you lose again Gato. My go now, me versus Terry on MOTW.

Terry- Anytime, come on Bob. I'm the man at this game.

The game is switched to MOTW, and Terry and Bob start playing. As the round finishes (with Terry winning) there is a loud knocking on the door. Ralf is sent down to answer it as everyone else concentrates on round two.

Bob- I only lost round one because the knock distracted me. I swear to Saint Bret, of the Holy Order of the Hart, bred'ren.

Terry- You can't swear to him, he's the patron saint of wrestlers. No one else.

Ralf- Why do I have to. Everyone we invited's here anyway. (goes down the stairs to open the door) Yeah, who is it... (sees Ryuji Yamazaki grinning phsycotically) "Sigh", what do you want? I'm next for a game.

Yamazaki- We're here for the games night. We overheard Terry and Mai talking about it in the bar, after escaping the loony bin. Since you accidentally forgot to invite us, we figured we'd just come anyway.

Mai- Ralf, I'm taking over your go and... (sees Yamazaki) Oh shit. Yamazaki, that crazy killer. Last games night, at Kim's place you threw Hon Fu out of the top floor window.

Yamazaki- I'm not an insane murderer anymore, just ask my pal Steven the Camel here. (points to a space next to him, there is no camel. "Steven" is Yamazaki's imaginary new best buddy). So, can we come in?

Mai- No. Go away, freak. (slams the door in his face)

Mai and Ralf go back to the crowd playing games. KOF 98 is now on, and Bob, Mai and Terry take on Kula, Ralf and Gato, each using one character. "Games night" gets back into full swing and everyone's cheerful again. That is until a brick flies through the window, hitting Terry in the head.

Terry- OWWW! Where'd that come from?!

Bob- There's a little note on it. (reads it) "Me and Steven are coming to games night whether you like it or not, and you will appreciate us. Love and kisses, Yamazaki and Steven".

Kula- Aw not Yamazaki again. He ruined last month's games night. And who's Steven?

Ralf- Imaginary camel. Don't ask.

Mai- Guys, look out...

A large man in black swings through the window, smashing it to pieces. Laughing that crazy laugh, Yamazaki comes up to the startled gamers, with his knife out. He then joins the crowd, acting like just another guest, mingling and making small chit chat with people.

Yamazaki- Hi, how are you guys? Haven't seen you since that incident with Hon Fu and the window. Why did no one visit me in the asylum? This is Steven the Camel, he's blue because he comes from Jupiter...

Gato- What the fuck?

Kula- Go back to the loony bin.

Yamazaki- Little Kula, how are ya? Have you got a boyfriend yet?

Mai- No she hasn't. She'll die an old maid, she's nearly fifteen for fuck's sake.

Yamazaki- Don't worry, Steven's single, likes you and your blue hair matches him. His hobbies are...

Terry- Yamazaki. Just leave. Before we kick you out.

Gato- Yeah, by force. Violently too.

Yamazaki- Well, if you're gonna be like that... what's that Steven? That's a very good idea, that'll teach them... ( jumps up and down on the Neo Geo). And how do you like that? Bastards!

Everyone Else- Why you... Bastard!!! Get out!!!! DIE!!!!

They throw Yamazaki out of the window he swung in from, watching him crash hard on the ground in a pool of blood. Shortly afterwards, they sit flicking through the TV, as there is no console for games night any more. Lee Pai Long, the old fart from AOF is on, complaining about the world and young people these days.

Ralf- That fucker ruined everything! No Neo Geo now!

Mai- We planned this for weeks!

Lee (TV)- ...MOTW''s a babies fighting tournament. In my day, you had about seven basic attacks, and two special moves that were really awkward to pull off. Grateful you were for that too...

Gato- The senile old fart's going on about the good old days again.

Lee(TV)- ...Young people these days are mollycoddled, sheltered from lifes hardships. Bring back rationing, corporal punishment and black and white TV on a four inch screen. That'll toughen the young 'uns up...

Ralf- So what do we do now?

Mai- Guys, I hear something. (a sound of wood crashing comes through the front door)

Terry- Shit. It's him. I've got an idea. Hide, maybe he'll go bug someone else when he can't find us.

Yamazaki- HEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE'S RYYYYYYYYUUUUUUUJJJJJJJIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! And Steven of course. Here I come to make amusing balloon shapes out of your intestines! How dare you not appreciate your good buddies, your friendly neighbourhood physcopath and blue camel sidekick!

Yamazaki makes his way up the stairs, with a SWAT style battering ram he used to smash the door. He's bleeding and bruised from the fall, and enters the living room where games night took place. Confusingly, there is no one in sight. Pacing round the room, he looks carefully for any sign of people. In frustration, he kicks the TV in, smashing the screen and shutting Lee up.

Yamazaki- I know you're here somewhere, Steven says so, and he's magic. You should see him fly upside down. Anyway, this hide and seeks a silly game, why don't we play something else. (opens Mai's handbag) Maybe you're hiding in here... No, aw fuck. Perhaps in HERE! (empties a bowl of Doritos) Nothing!

After looking in more illogical places, Yamazaki is about to give up. The housemates (in their hiding place squeezed in under a table with a big cloth over it) peek out relieved. Unfortunately, at the worst time possible Ralf farts. Letting rip with a big loud eggy one that the phsyco (and his imaginary camel) can both hear and smell. Everyone lifts the cloth to let fresh air in and are spotted.

Terry- Aw Jesus, that stinks... Get some air in... Uh oh, Yamazaki's still here!

Gato- Thanks a lot Ralf.

Ralf- It was that baked bean meal Mai made last night!

Mai- Don't blame me, he's seen us now!

Yamazaki- Come out guys, don't be afraid of us! Don't be boring, come out and play. (another manic Yamazaki laugh, with rabid frothing at the mouth) I've got a great game, me and Steven cut off your heads, and take it in turns to throw them against the wall. Whoever makes the biggest splatter wins!

Bob- Guys, run! Every man, woman, child and whatever Gato is for themselves!

Terry- Ryuji, why don't you go to Athena's house. Her and Kensou are nice, they'll spend time with you.

Yamazaki- They're boring. They have dinner parties and eat poncey food, while discussing theatre. We went a while ago for a nice game of "Lynch the pop idol and her sissy boyfriend", and you'll never guess, this is soooo funny. I stupidly forgot to bring any rope...

Kula- While he's talking, escape! RUN! (everyone runs off in different directions)

Yamazaki- ...So then right, I had to go back home for some rope, and, rather inconveniently, they went on a holiday to China before I came back. Boy did I look stupid, huh? Who'd be me... HEY! Where are my hosts!? They've left me talking to myself. Come on Steven (pulls his knife out). Let's hunt them down!

Yamazaki goes in search of the housemates, angry at not having been welcomed and appreciated. He's foaming at the mouth, screaming nonsensical rubbish and threats of violence like a madman. Coming to the kitchen, he sees a whole load of pots and pans that look like they were quickly chucked out of a nearby cupboard. Realising someone must be in there, the phsyco opens the door and finds Gato curled up inside.

Yamazaki- FOUND YOU! Time to play, time to play hospital surgery! I'll be doctor, Steven's the assistant...

Gato- You haven't found me.

Yamazaki- Huh?

Gato- I'm the best at playing games in this house, so you'd better go find the others first OK. It's the rules. Here's a clue, you'll discover Kula in the cupboard with the steel door downstairs. Teach her to beat me at Samurai Showdown. Bye.

Yamazaki- Oh, OK then. We'd better follow the rules, hey Steven. Sit on my shoulder (Steven, only existing in Yamazaki's deranged mind can do this), we're off to the cupboard! (rushes to find a terrified Kula) Hello little Kula, I see you! Gato was right.

Kula- Gato I hate you! You sold me out! I'm gonna die now! And you'll be to blame, I hope you can live with yourself after that!

Yamazaki- I've an idea, let's put red streaks in your blue hair, that'll look funky. We'll get the red from the blood in your head and then... AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As he's about to open the girl's head up, Yamazaki is attacked by Terry, Mai Ralf and Bob. As they assault him with their special moves, Kula joins in, and even Gato comes to help. With their unwanted guest now unconcious, Terry and Bob carry Yamazaki, they all go outside, douse the maniac in petrol and set him alight before they all go back inside.

Terry- Hopefully that'll be the end of it. The fall didn't kill him, but this should.

Mai- All around the world, people will be saying "Well, the camel's pretty cool, but who's the useless maniac tagging along?"

Bob- Yamazaki must be the worst possible house guest ever.

Ralf- Hey, who's playing that crappy accordion?

They turn around to see Bao grinning like an idiot, playing the accordion and doing a stupid dance. They are about to beat him up when the still in flames body of Yamazaki creeps behind the irritating little turd.

Bao- Hey guys, it's me. Check this out, playing the accordion's my new hobby. Your door was all smashed, so I let myself in and... (is picked up and thrown helluva far) AAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yamazaki- Me and Steven the Camel are the token unwanted guests around here, go away kid! (stamps on the accordion) Did you think a little thing like burning me to death would stop us?! Well did you!?

Ralf- Oh that's just not fucking fair!

Terry- What the fuck does it take to destroy you!? (they hear a thump in the distance as Bao finally lands)

Yamazaki- I've not always been mad you know? I was actually driven insane by the the midlle of the road dullness and production line copying of most popular chart music. I mean, take for example, Limp Bizkit, who are to both rap and metal what I am to tree hugging. So after a teenybopper concert massacre, I was sent to the asylum, where I met Steven... Anyway, that's enough talk and it's back to the action! YAAAHH!! DIE!!!

Now weilding an axe he found lying around, Yamazaki chases our heroes throught the house, laughing his crazy laugh. Away from him for now, the housemates group together, where Ralf has an idea of how to stop him for good. Or at least until he's safely back in the asylum away from them.

Ralf- OK guys, here's the plan. (pulls out a CD player with a CD in it) When Yamazaki comes here, we throw him inside this steel crate with this playing inside, and lock him in. He'll be unconcious for ages after that.

Bob- What's on that CD bred'ren?

Ralf- I bought it to cure my insomnia, a few minutes of this sent me to sleep for twelve hours. It's the Fatal Fury team's theme tune from KOF 96. Dull, repetitive and tuneless.

Terry- Hey! I chose that for us.

Bob- I hear him coming up now guys.

Yamazaki- Where are you, my dearies?! I know you're here, Steven the Camel can smell your tainted impure souls like a rotten egg! He's got a nose for those about to be horribly mutilated...

Terry- He's almost here. Mai, stay out here and distract him. We'll jump out when he's least prepared.

Mai- Why do I have to be the bait? I wanna do the jump out and attack him thing.

Gato- Beacuse the big boobed sex crazed bimbo is always an early victim in splatter movies.

Leaving the token sexy housemate standing there in front of the crate, everyone else hides themselves away, within ambush distance. Shortly afterwards, the charred phsyco and non existent blue camel arrive, Yamazaki holding the axe above his head. Mai is careful to drag the distraction on for a few minutes.

Mai- OK Yamazaki, you got me. You win I lose. As the sexiest one with the biggest tits and most revealing outfit, what chance did I have, huh? I mean, I've got "phsycopath's ideal victim" written all over me.

Yamazaki- Yes, that's true. Glad you came to your senses. Now comes the part where we dismember you slowly in a really artistic way, that'll win "best death scene" awards all over. Hold her still Steven, things are gonna get messy! We'll take turns cutting up the bimbo and keep her head in the freezer as a souvenier!

Mai- Now remember, something creative, but keep me looking gorgeous even when dead. We could make the cover of Fangoria with this... Guys, NOW!

As Yamazaki is about to plant the axe in her belly, the others rush him, attacking mercilessly with super moves. He is then forced into the steel crate with the CD player put in and turned on. Locking the lid, it isn't long before the dullest track in KOF 96 sends Yamazaki into an almost coma like sleep. This lasts, as Ralf said for hours, even well after Mary and the police arrived to take him back to the loony bin. End of part 21.

Note- The "Steven the Camel" thing came from a T shirt I saw with "I'm not mad. Just ask my camel, Steven" written on it, which for some reason I found hilarious.

Note 2- The "sex mad bimbo= early victim" thing is so true. Almost every horror movie ever does this. Fangoria is a film magazine, where the main subject is horror movies.


	22. The Amakusa Show

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 22- The Amakusa Show

Outside of Southtown TV studios, five of our six housemates are being led in front of the cue to get in. They get preferential treatment because they are the special guests on this weeks "The Amakusa Show". Amakusa is Southtown's most successful late night, outrageous talk show host. Getting an invite onto his show guarantees fame and respect, even if only for a short time. They are led through the door, passing the bouncer, Last Blade man mountain Shigen, in a tux. Gato is the missing housemate, he's taking part in a special stunt for the show

Shigen- Guys, welcome. Come in, love your sitcom by the way. Now, just get yourselves behind the stage and wait for Amakusa to call you out.

Ralf- Uh, OK. By the way, is Amakusa male or female? It's hard to tell ya know... OW!

Terry- RALF! Don't humiliate us yet, thank you! (hits him)

Bob- He has a point though, it's like Ash Crimson. Except we've seen Amakusa date women as well as men.

Shigen- Oh yes, he's bisexual. And definetely a "he", despite what the anime showed. I experienced it first hand, if you know what I mean.

Mai- What, you fucked him? But me and you yesterday... Oh I get it. You're bi too. Anyway, glad we left Gato behind.

Shigen- I'm not technically bi, but it was my first day, and I was thought he was a woman too.

A little later, in front of a screaming studio audience, the host himself arrives. In extravagant style, Amakusa is carried to the stage on a pagoda carried by four very attractive people, two male, two female. In one hand, he has a cigarrette in a poncey Audrey Hepburn type holder, the other a cocktail. To the sounds of "Baby I'm a star" by Prince (or whatever the fuck he's called these days), the pagoda is lowered, and our host comes down to kick things off, mingling with the cheering audience.

Amakusa- Hi, and welcome to another fun, filth and frivolity packed edition of The Amakusa Show! Thank you, you're all such lovely, darling individuals. Now then, before we start dearies, Kain R Heinlem, I saw your car outside. Couldn't help noticing how BIIIIIIIG your limo is. Somebody's clearly overcompensating for what they lack in the trouser department, am I right?

The audience all laugh at Kain, who has gone bright red. They have seen first hand, as one of last weeks guests Malin brought in her dirty photograph collection.

Amakusa- Now then dearies, shall we welcome our guests for tonight? (cheers) They are five of the stars from the cult hit comedy "KOF S(h)itcom Hell". I don't know about you, but I adore that show, the things they get up to have me in stitches. So, without further ado, let's welcome...

Amakusa calls out their names one at a time, and our heroes enter accordingly. Cheers erupt as they come on waving to the crowd, and soon, all five are sitting facing the host on a large sofa.

Terry- We just wanna say how great it is to be here Amakusa.

Kula- Yeah, we watch your show every week.

Amakusa- They love me, they love me. Except the phsyco, and he's not here.

Bob- He's gonna hate what we've set up for him.

Mai- They'll see that later. Let's concentrate on the interview.

Amakusa- Thank you, first question to Terry. Why after all this time have you STILL not gotten over Geese killing your dad?

Terry- What? How can you say that? Geese keeps surviving death, but my dad Jeff didn't! It's just not fair, it isn't... (cries for a bit)

Amakusa- There there... (audience "aah's" in sympathy) Now guys, what is it that keeps six quite frankly mismatching people together in a house like you, and not kill each other?

Bob- Money... erm, I meant "to entertain our audiences".

Kula- The chance for my own spinoff show, since I'm the lovable one.

Ralf- I thought being on TV would help me pick up hot goth chicks. Still havent' picked one up, out of all the saturdays I go out, damn showbiz lies... (Shingo appears, shaking a camcorder about in front of them)

Amakusa- Shingo?! What are you doing, you were a guest last week, not today.

Shingo- I'm doing the Shakeycam effects. For the DVD release of this show.

Terry- What are you on about this time?

Shingo- It's for the SFX. Every show has to have a Shakeycam bit.

Mai- Shingo. Just go back into the audience. And try not to think too hard, OK.

Shingo- OK. Thinking hard hurts my head. Maybe I should have it amputated.

Shingo leaves, and Amakusa turns everyones attention to a large TV screen behind them. The screen turns on, to reveal an angry looking Gato reading a little note. This is the "challenge" they have set up for him, and the guests and audience look on, wondering what this week's challenge will be. Onscreen commentary tells us that last week, they set Jhun up to ruin a romantic night for Athena and Kensou, to make Athena go with him. But, what we didn't tell Jhun was that the hotel room he'd ruined did not actually belong to his beloved Athena and that other guy. It was actually being used by his friend Kim Kaphwan and his wife, whatever she's called for their romantic night.

Gato- (reading note) "Hi Gato, Amakusa here, baby. Just to let you know that for this weeks challenge, for the $100, 000 prize, you will be hosting a dinner party for guests, most of who you hate." What the fuck!? A dinner party!? But I hate everybody, except Vice and Kou Shibasaki... (hears a knock at the door) FUCK OFF AND DIE!

Gato goes to answer the door. He finds Athena, Kensou, Kyo, Yuki, Joe, Ramon and Hotaru. They have all come for the dinner party, having been paid a lot by the show, except Hotaru who, being gullible, still believes her brother is a nice guy.

Hotaru- Hello big brother! Nice to see you.

Kyo- Yeah, we're really looking forward to this dinner party.

Ramon- So what are you making us, usually unpleasant, uh... person we know?

Gato- Nothing... erm, I meant, it's a surprise. Suppose you'd better come in.

Gato leads his unwanted guests to the living room, and sits them around the table.

Gato- OK gather round. Sit there, you'll have to have the uncomfortable seat Kensou. Now, youguys mingle or something while I see if we have any food in the house this week.

As Gato goes in search of food, we cut back to the Amakusa Show. Everybody is laughing at the thought of the homicidal Gato holding a nice dinner party. The outrageous host continues the quizzing, banter and whatever else he feels like doing.

Amakusa- OK guys, we have a twist to Gato's challenge coming up.Ooh I can't wait, I'm sooo excited. Anyway...

Terry- Do we have anything worth eating in the house? It was Bob's turn to shop last.

Bob- It's irresponsible town planning. Putting the supermarket right near "Chief Rick's Drug Den".

Mai- You spent the food budget on weed?! Again! Bastard! (smacks him with her fan)

Bob- Chill sister girl. I got some food. I think.

Shingo- ... Ah yes, I remember this bit. Classic television that was. Oh, and here's the bit where Ralf does the funny thing with his hands. (nothing happens with Ralf's hands) Sorry, wrong bit. And coming up next...

Amakusa- Shingo!? What are you up to this time?! Shut up goddammit!

Shingo- I'm doing the DVD commentary. For the extras section. (he unexpectedly jumps up and falls on top of Kula) OWWW! Ha ha ha ha...

Kula- OWW! What was that all about? Loon.

Shingo- That's going in the bonus outtakes section. That was great, let's see that again.

Amakusa- NO! Bad Shingo, bad idiot! You were only hired as a best boy, whatever they do for a living.

Terry- Shingo, piss off. Our interview.

Amakusa- Anyway dearies. Let's lighten the mood a bit, with a look at Kula's embarrassing school photograph.

Kula- Don't you dare!

Ralf- Yeah! Go on, show everyone how bad it is.

Mai- Yeah. Like my mother said "If you're not embarrassing your children, you're not enjoying yourself."

Kula- NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The photo is shown enlarged on a scanner, for all to see. And it's bad. One of those whole class sitting down on benches ones. The naked bodies of Malin and Dong Hwan can be seen under the bottom bench, with Malin on top. Rock and Jae Hoon are fighting in a corner, grappling one another. Kasumi is fast asleep, mouth wide open snoring. Chris has a finger jammed up his left nostril, and the other hand scratching his arse, and Shingo stands there, grinning like an idiot in a pleated skirt and T shirt saying "Hello, I'm Vanessa." A cardboard cutout of their teacher Seth stands in the centre, the real one having abandoned the class yet again. As for Kula, she sits there, her hair it's natural brown and messy, with a stupid gurning look on her face. Everybody in the studio is in hysterics, except of course Kula.

Audience- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Kula- Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup! Chris put me off there, look at him! And I never had time to make my hair it's nice cute blue! God, I'm hideous in that,aren't I!?

Terry- You sure are. Ha ha. Look at Hotaru sitting next to you looking cute. Why can't you be more like her?

Mai- Yeah Kula. Why can't you magically turn into Hotaru? Even if she is a bit dumb when it comes to Gato, she's nicer than you.

Kula- Stop it guys! Pick on someone else! (starts crying)

Amakusa- That was hilarious wasn't it? Look at all those freaks. Anyway my dears, it's time to look at how Gato's doing with his unexpected dinner party.

Ralf- See Kula. Now we can laugh at Gato. Feel better.

Kula- Yeah.

We cut back to Gato, rooting around the kitchen cupboards for food. They haven't got much in the house, due to Bob's shopping trip. Plus the fact that no one except Mai can cook using the oven, and the microwave is busted. The antisocial bastard decides to make best with what he's got.

Gato- Let's see... Why do we have a box of cat biscuits? Stupid retard Bob. Dead mouse flavour. They'll have to do. What else... (pulls out some carrots with green hairy mould growing on them) I'll give them a shave, and no one will notice. I know, Kula's got some fish she won at the fairground last month.

Gato goes into Kula's room and finds her fishtank. There are a few weak looking goldfish swimming about. Gato picks them out one by one, beats them against the wall to kill them, and then puts them with the cat biscuits and gone off carrots onto plates ready to serve up to his "guests". Suddenly, there is another knock at the door. Gato storms off angrily to the door, with a revolver in hand.

Gato- What do you want?! You'd better not be another (opens the door to reveal Vice) Uh, Hi Vice how's it going? You'relooking really sexy as usual. Has anyone told you you're gorgeous?

Vice- Is this where the dinner party for Amakusa's show's being held.

Gato- Yes, you can come too if you like. Then we can have sex a few times and discuss spending the rest of our lives... aw shit did I really say that. Ignore it, I say stupid things when I'm madly in love... Aw not again. Listen to me go off...

Vice- Whatever. I don't really wanna be here. But it's part of my contract, for "Vice Krispies" to sponsor The Amakusa Show. Now, I don't want to sit next to ugly people, or have to eat crappy food.

Back at the studio, the housemates, with everyone else are laughing very hard at Gato's attempts to be polite for once. They all know that Gato has a huge crush on Vice, another phsycopath, albeit a far richer one. His voice even goes all soft and soppy when talking to her.

Ralf- Ha ha ha... I never thought Gato had it in him to try and be hospitable. Look at him coming at her all nice and friendly.

Terry- You could see him smile when Vice came. Little hearts even came in his eyes. Uh Bob. Why the fuck DO we have cat biscuits?

Bob- 'Cause I went after my trip to Rick's place. I was stoned, and the box was really colourful, bred'ren. Plus they were a special offer.

Kula- He's killed my fishies! Gato's a fishie murderer! I hope he dies in a car crash or something! Ah well, they were rubbish pets anyway. Couldn't cuddle them, or take them for walks outside.

Mai- Didn't stop you trying Kula. You lost two fish taking them to the park on little leads for a run around.

Kula- Oh yeah. Heh heh. That doesn't make me bad though.

Amakusa- More on Gato later. Isn't it sweet, even maniacs feel love? Anyway... Oh not you again Shingo! What it it this time!?

Shingo walks past them, with a sign facing the audience. They can read it, and for some reason it has the words "Honda. Samurai. Manga. Teriyaki. Banzai. Kou Shibasaki" written on it. Realising it's another of Shingo's "DVD contributions", Amakusa demands an explanation.

Shingo- Well, every DVD has to have foreign language subtitles. So I wrote some Japanese words, that will appear on this sign at the bottom of the screen. I think these are the right words for a traslation as to what you guys are saying. For the Japanese viewers, you see?

Mai- Shingo fuck off! You're really annoying, you know that?

Shingo- I've been told that a lot. Like last night, when I was holding a one man four am punk rock gig in Chizuru Kagura's bedroom. She said was trying to sleep, and smashed my new stereo system.

Amakusa- Sigh. We're running low on time thanks to all your bullshit. Honestly, what do best boys even do? Suppose we'd better get back to see how Gato's doing. I need a relaxing cocktail or twelve after this show, sweethearts.

In the kitchen at the house, Vice now sits with all the guests. Gato made Joe sit on the floor to make room for an armchair for the woman he loves. As it's a special occasion dinner party, there is a candle on the table, and a toilet roll, subsituting as napkins. So far, Vice is unimpressed, and she loses what little enthusiasm she has when the food comes out.

Gato- Right everyone. We have fish, crackers and carrots. Your food is different Vice my dear, because you're so much better than these peasants. I've phoned for a pizza especially for youand me to share romantically... Christ not again! I keep saying crazy things don't I? It's a sign of being in love.

Vice- Good, 'cause I'm not eating that shit. And you kinda freak me out too.

Ramon- Hey, these look and smell like cat biscuits.

Gato- You'd be paying a fortune for this in a restaraunt!

Hotaru- My fish is still alive big brother.

Gato- Oh, sorry. (pulls out a revolver and shoots the fish dead) There. Now Kyo, let's put a paper bag over your head, so you don't put Vice off her food. (stuffs a bag over Kyo's face)

Kensou- I'm not hungry Mr Gato sir. And my carrot's got green fuzz growing on it.

Athena- (whispering) Eat it Kensou. He's a nutcase.

Yuki- (whispering) Kyo, if you love me, you'll eat mine too. Then I'll forgive your sessions with Whip.

Gato- Right, eat up guys. Took me fifteen minutes to make that, so you'd better appreciate it. (turns all lovey dovey) Everything alright Vice darling? Like your pizza? Comfortable? Anything you desire, just tell me. A drink, a seat with a better view, mad passionate sex before we kill these other people... Oh listen to me go on.

Vice- Uh Gato. Could you go into the kitchen and get me a drink?

Gato- Of course I can my love. Just for you (back to usual self) Not for the rest of you fuckers, OK!

Five minutes later, Gato comes back with a bottle of wine, stolen from Mai's personal stash. He finds Vice gone, and the window smashed.

Gato- Vice, where are you. Where's my future girlfriend? Hotaru, where did Vice, you know, the really hot woman I was in the midst of getting together with, go?

Hotaru- After you left, she smashed the window, climbed out, and ran away very fast.

Gato- Oh, perhaps she wasn't ready for commitment yet. Can't blame her, being so young and sexy. (goes back to his unpleasant normal self) Now then, the rest of you are going to eat the food I prepared, aren't you?! Because I've set off a time bomb, to blow up in five minutes,if anyone hasn't finished. And then I want you all out of here, because you're scum.

Back at the studio, everyone is in hysterics watching the guests eat their disgusting food really quickly, except Yuki who made Kyo eat hers too. They then jump out of the window Vice used to escape from. It is almost time for the end of the show, and Amakusa is ready to finish off.

Amakusa- Right dearies, Gato will obviously not be getting the prize money, but we sure got some classic footage. Anyway, lovely to have you guys on the show, we really must get together again. I do apologise for Shingo, dunno where he got those ideas from.

Kula- Bye audience! We love you all!

Ralf- Yeah! Keep watching our show! We always need the ratings!

Terry-And buy the official KOF S(h)itcom Hell T Shirt with chibi pictures of us on! And the official tie in book, cool little toys of us, and pre order the box set of episodes on DVD!

Bob- And don't forget the official KOF S(h)itcom Hell bathroom cleaning fluid! Not sure who's idea that one was, but hey!(remembers it was him when stoned, who agreed to this out of place bit of merchandise)

Amakusa- Until next week, my beloved audience, farewell! Hey guys. Wanna come with me for after show drinks? All at the expense of my agent, he's a big silly, but really geneous with paying for my stuff.

Mai- OK. Then you and me can go somewhere quiet and then...

Mai goes into far more graphic detailabout what they will do, which is thankfully drowned out by the cheers and applause of the audience. The theme music "Baby I'm a star"kicks in, and the lights dim out. As everything ends for another week, Shingo comes back out and starts dancing, Michael Jackson style, singing a made up, tuneless song titled "Welcome to the extras bit of the DVD". He's doing this as a "bonus easter egg, for the DVD. All his stupidity did eventually make it onto the disc.

Note- Shingo's bits were inspired by some of the more common extras found on DVD's. Some of it is based on bits from The Adam and Joe Show, mainly the "commentary" and "Shakeycam" parts.


	23. Things that go bump in the night

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 23- Things that go bump in the night.

It is Halloween at Southtown. That time of year when kids and kids at heart harrass people door to door while wearing "scary" costumes for money and sweets. To comply with the tradition, Kula and her friends are going round the houses later, and Kula has now dressed up in a witches outfit in black, with a pointy hat, plastic cape and broomstick. The other five housemates sit watching the well loved comedy series "Samurai S(h)itcom Hell".

Kula- TA DAA! Hey guys, what do ya think!? Cool outfit, huh?!

Bob- Nice pointy hat. We could play frisbee with that. Watch this. Whee... (throws a donut in the air, which lands around Kula's hat point)

Mai- What are you this year Kula? The garbage bag fairy? A gothic traffic cone?

Kula- I'm a witch, stupid. If you weren't such an ageing bimbo you'd know that. (Sees the donut on her hat) Thanks Bob, first treat.

Ralf- Why couldn't you look like the witches in "The Craft"? Now they were sexy.

Terry- Notice you're carrying a broom, is that for the cleaning you never do? Must be fancy dress, you wouldn't know what to do with it in real life.

Kula- OK, I'll lose the broom. Just because it's your turn to clean the bathroom Terry.

Terry- Uhh, heh heh... (the others stare at him) Oh all fucking right. Because I'm such a nice, decent, caring human being, I'll try and clean it for the first time ever. Not many of us nice guys left in this world.

There is a knock at the door, and Kula goes to answer it. As she expected, it is a few of her friends, Malin, Hotaru, Rock, Dong Hwan and Jae Hoon Like her, they all wear costumes for trick or treating later. Kula lets them in, and all the kids compare costumes. Some are obviously better than other choices.

Kula- Rock! What the hell is that!? Ha ha ha ha... (everyone else laughs too) A bright pink bedsheet with eyeholes.

Gato- Hey look, it's the homosexual ghost. Ash Crimson's spirit.

Rock- Shut up! Tell them Uncle Terry! Dad didn't remember to buy me a costume, as usual. This was all we could find. I can't turn the sheet round either, the other side has yellow flowers and "I love Foxy".

Kula- OK, we've got Hotaru looking cool as a vampire, Jae Hoon dressed as Jason Voorhees, Dong Hwan in a werewolf mask...

Ralf- Hey Malin, wheres your costume?

Malin- I'm wearing it. You like it?

Hotaru- But it's just a little, see through nightie, with skimpy lingerie underneath. You wore that in our sleepovers. And to class when we had that inspector come round to visit...

Malin- I know, and it's cute. People, male people in particular like to see me looking cute in it. It'll get me lots of money and candy for sure.

Mai- At least one of you has the right idea. I don't know, gothic traffic cones and homosexual ghosts...

They are all interrupted by another knock at the door. This time, it is Kasumi and Shingo. Kula and the gang have been fearing the worst for how Shingo will turn up this year. Last year, they made absoloutely nothing from trick or treating. Not even a shops own brand chocolate biscuit, or even an apple. The gang were united in blaming Shingo's choice of outfit, Ronald McDonald. Now, Kasumi wears a skull mask and a "Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards" T shirt, and as for Shingo...

Jae Hoon- Shingo!? What the hell have you come dressed as this time?!

Shingo- Ah ha. You'll love this I swear. I was all planned to go as the Easter Bunny, but Kasumi said we'd get nothing again if I did. She shouted at me to choose something scary, and I got bored, so started hitting the drainpipes with a heavy book to make amusing "gurgle" noises...

Bob- Just get to the point ya lunatic!

Hotaru- Yeah, explain that choice of outfit. Now.

Shingo- Oh, right. Kasumi said something scary and evil that no one likes, so here I am dressed up as the much hated Kurtis Stryker from Mortal Kombat. Cool huh? Got the hat, the ugly shirt that looks like a present from his granny...

Dong Hwan- Oh sweet christ, why are we bringing him again? Forget it, let's just go.

Ralf- Yeah, go get money and sweets for us to steal off you later. Bye.

Rock- Can I take this pink sheet off yet?

The dressed up kids leave, and decide to start in a nicer part of the neighbourhood. For their first attempt, they knock on the door of Athena and Kensous house. Athena answers the door, for some reason dressed only in a small, silk dressing gown.

Shingo- (sings) We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a... OW! (Hotaru hits him)

Other kids- TRICK OR TREAT!

Athena- Hello. Listen guys, you've caught me at a really bad time.

Voice in house- Who is it Athena? Come back, I need to put my wrench back in your toolbox.

Jae Hoon- Huh? That isn't Kensou. Sounds like Jhun...

Athena- (blushes) Uh... he's fixing my... washing machine. Yes, that's right.

Malin- You're having an affair. I can tell, I'm currently involved in twelve myself. You go Athena.

Athena- That's not it... here's a family sized pack of Twix bars and $20 each. Now go. I'm coming back Jhun. Get that bottle of chocolate sauce ready for me...

Athena slams the door in their face and hurries back up. Keeping this knowledge for future blackmail purposes, the gang move on to the next house. The door is painted camoflauge geen and brown. It is Heidern and Leona's place. Leona answers when they knock.

Shingo- On the seventy fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... thirty three dancin' Duo Lons, a hundred kinky Kings... FIVE GOLD RINGS! Twelve... OWW! (Rock hits him)

Other kids- TRICK OR TREAT!

Leona- How do I know you're not terrorists, huh?

Kula- What? It's us, including me, lovable little Kula.

Leona- I don't know. (points to Rock) he looks suspicious, most of you are in masks, and... (looks at Shingo) SHIT! It's Kurtis Stryker! (pulls out a machine gun) DADDY! There's terrorists at the door threatening me!

Heidern- What now... STRYKER! The most hated videogame character has come to take revenge on us, and pick on my sweet innocent little Leona! (also pulls out a gun) Not on my watch!

Leona- DIE!

Rock- RUN! AAH!

The kids run away screaming as Leona and Heidern open fire. Now at the other side of the neighbourhood, they recover, and calm themselves down.

Hotaru- What was all that about?! They're crazy!

Dong Hwan- It's him! (points to Shingo) He nearly got us killed dressed like that. It's worse than going dressed as Geese.

Kasumi- I tried to stop him. I told him we'd probably end up in prison or worse.

Shingo- Hey, it's scary, right? Isn't that the point of... what's this day called again? Let's see, it's a wednesday, I think. Hey, did anyone else think it was weird that Athena mentioned chocolate sauce to Jhun when he's fixing the washing machine? Can't fix anything with chocolate sauce, I tried it on Kasumi's Gameboy. You know what, I think she's having an affair.

Kula- We know! Shut up. Guys, we can't take him with us

Rock- Got that fucking right. Now Shingo. I want you to stay standing in that exact spot, until you die of natural causes, OK?

Shingo- Sounds like a plan. I'm game for it. Here I am, standing still in this spot. What happens next?

Kula- Right, let's go to another house.

They abandon Shingo, who stays in the spot like he was told to. Jae Hoon suggests that they try his dads house as the next spot. They are very surprised (and grossed out) to find the door answered by Chang in a tight white catsuit, with his bare belly pouring out. He also has a dreadful wig, and having taken helium, his voice is very high pitched. Choi is dressed as the drummer with a false moustache and bandana.

Chang- (sings) I BELIEVE IN A THING CALLED LOVE! OOH OOHOHHH! (hums the tune, and does air guitar) Hey kids, this year I'm Justin from The Darkness (gives a thumbs up, Darkness style)

Dong Hwan- We really didn't need to see this. That catsuit's really not you Chang.

Kula- Might put me off my candy later. EWWW!

Choi- You guys are here for trick or treat, right? (points to Rock in the bedsheet) So who's this?

Malin- Oh that's Rock Howard as a gay ghostie.

Rock- Can't you keep me anonymous? This outfit's embarrassing enough.

Kim- We did have lots of candy ready for you kids, but I'm afraid Chang got to it this afternoon, and ate the lot in one go. But you can have these museli fruitbran health bars that he wouldn't touch.

Jae Hoon- Not fair. Stuck with crappy health food. We want chocolate.

Kim- You kids haven't seen Jhun around have you? He said he was fixing Athenas washing machine. It's the fifteenth time this month. Must be a really messed up washing machine, huh?

Chang- TOUCHING YOU-OOH! TOUCHING ME-EEE...

They take their horrible alternatives to candy and leave. Throwing the unwanted crap in the bin, they take time out to recover from the sight of Chang in a catsuit before moving on. We leave them for now to go back to the house with the other five housemates. They have decided to pass the time telling scary stories to each other. Terry goes first.

Terry- OK, a long time ago in a galaxy far away, there was a magical place called Southland. It was a really nice place until the evil Geese Monster invaded it. He built an haunted tower, murdered innocent people, stole valuable things and poked small kittens with sticks. Worst of all, he started threatening the lovely, gorgeous Princess Mary the Blue...

Ralf- You're just telling the story of the Fatal Fury tournament! Trying to make it sound like a haunted fairy tale!

Bob- I bet you made yourself the hero in your story, bred'ren.

Terry- Well, the hero DOES just so happen to be called Terry...

Gato- Knew it. My fucking turn. One day, there was a land where there was no violence, and everybody lived in peace and harmony.The environment was nice, weapons didn't exist...

Mai- That's not scary you stupid fucker!

Gato- What do you mean?! That'd frighten the life out of me, living there!

Bob- Right, I'll do one. There was this scary monster, OK. Big scaly thing with Bao in place of his right hand, a turnip instead of a left foot, and a voice like the woman from Will and Grace. So then...

The others- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Mai- That's completely crap! You guys all suck!

The housemates then get into a heated argument which soon descends into violence. Cutting now back to Kula's friends, they are outside the house of weird, alien looking ninja Lin. He peeks his masked head though the door after they knock.

Kids- TRICK OR TREAT!

Lin- Hello kiddies. I'm kinda busy right now on a new project. I'm an artist you see.

Kasumi- Oh yeah? So what do you do?

Lin- Anger, fear, sorrow, pain, watercolours... But right now, I'm trying to create a painting of the entire cast of every SNK videogame by using something other than the brush to paint with.

Dong Hwan- So what are you using for it?

Lin- My arsecheeks. I cover them in paint... would you like to see?

Kula- Uhh, (pretends to look at a watch) Goodness, is that the time? We'd better be off.

Rock- Some other time perhaps. Bye. (they all run away VERY quickly)

Lin- But I have candy and cash ready for you? Ah well, no rest for a tortured artist.

As they run away to another house, Shingo is still standing in the same spot, waiting to die of natural causes. Yuri Sakazaki walks towards him, skin painted green trying to be a zombie for Halloween. Although she is a couple of years older, Yuri is really not much brighter than Shingo. She stops to talk to him.

Yuri- Hi Shingo. What ya doing? I forgot what I was doing outside here. Something to do with hatstands, I think.

Shingo- The guys told me to stand here. It's a game, though they didn't say what happens next.

Yuri- Hey, you like standing too? So do I, isn't that great?

Shingo- Yeah, we have so much in common. Hey, do you like walking into petshops and laughing at gerbils for no particular reason?

Yuri- Do I? Can't get enough of that whole gerbil laughing thing, me. We should hang out together more often. Wanna be my new friend?

Shingo- OK Yuri. Since I'm getting bored waiting for natural causes to kill me, wanna come with to the shopping mall? We can sing the elevator theme music at the top of our voices and throw things around the food court until sercurity throw us out? It's really fun.

Yuri- YAY! You're so cool Shingo. Let's go. I like it when sercurity smash you through glass windows and they shatter. That's kinda funny.

Going back to the relative sanity of the trick or treat crew, they now reach La Illusion. King and her little brother Jan are inside, tidying up for closing time. The kids enter, and begin.

Kids- TRICK OR TREAT!

Jan- AAAHH! (points at Kasumi) It's Mr Witchety Man! Help, help! He's coming to suck out my head juice! AIIEE! (dives under the nearest table)

Hotaru- The Witchety Man?! Where!? AAIIEE! (dives under the table with him) I don't wanna be food for your wiggly kids Mr Witchety!

Rock- Not the Witchety Man! Nasty, smelly, wriggly Mr Witchety Man! You're not taking my head juice! (dives with the other two, all huddled together scared)

King- See what you've done? He's been like this all week, honestly. This Witchety Man doesn't even exist. Anyway, so what happens if I don't give you treats?

Jae Hoon- We trick you. Like... erm. Aw shit. Guys, don't tell me no one came up with a trick AGAIN.

All the trick or treaters look at each other, embarrassed. They have no trick to pull on those who won't give them anything. King laughs at them. Jan, Rock and Hotaru recover from their "Mr Witchety Man" hysteria.

King- No trick, you guys are so lame. Uh, you can have the leftovers from this box of chocolates. It's mainly the ones I don't like, so loads of Coffee Creams and those fruit fondant things.

Malin- Come on, you must have something better? Please, we're desperate here.

King- Oh alright, here's some change given to me in tips. Now go, this is the fourtieth panic attack Jan's had.

Kula- YAY! Thanks. We got something.

They get their takings and leave the bar. Further down the street, they are very shocked to be stopped by an armed SWAT team, with Blue Mary leading them. Mary shouts through a megaphone at them, as the team raise their guns.

Dong Hwan- What have we done this time?

Mary- This is the police! Put down any weapons and lay on your bellies on the ground! You are under arrest!

Kula- She's just kidding around... (sees it is no joke) OK, we're lying down!

Mary- Right you criminal scum. Tell me, where is your ringleader in all this?!

Rock- You what?

Mary- Kurtis Stryker. I've had a phone call from Vanessa after she was spying on her neighbours for gossip. People matching your exact descriptions were being led by the despised, badly dressed MK Woody Harrelson lookalike in an orgy of crime, violence and all round naughtyness.

The halloweeners are stunned by this. They knew Shingo's chosen outfit was a terrible choice, but had hoped leaving him would get them out of any trouble. They attempt to argue their case to Mary, who so far looks very unconvinced.

Kula- You mean Shingo? That was just his crappy Halloween outfit.

Mary- Shingo's involved too? It's obvious, Stryker's targeting impressionable children like yourselves! I've worked his scheme out, he brainwashes you to do his evil bidding, to eventually rule over all of SNK in some sort of evil dictatorship! Well it ain't gonna happen Mr Stryker!

Rock- Fucking hell, she's tottally lost the plot this time.

Malin- I knew she was a useless cop, but...

Mary- Quiet! You're all under arrest, for your own good. You can tell he's made you evil, all those frightening masks and outfits. (to Rock) That, ha ha ha... pink bedsheet, (to Kasumi) Your "Lars Frederiksen and the Bastards" T shirt. Don't worry, we'll only keep you until the evil has worn off.

Kasumi- I can't go to prison! I'll be abused!

Rock- Me too! Picking up soap for tattooed musclemen in the showers!

And so the kids were hauled off in the van, locked away for the night until Mary realised her theory was complete crap. Must have been something to do with the drugs someone spiked her coffee with that morning "as a joke". "Kurtis Stryker" was never found. Shingo and Yuri were eventually thrown out of the shopping mall (through the glass window, what fun!) but as both had stripped to their underwear, no connection between Shingo and "Stryker" was made. And Jhun still visits Athena to "fix the washing machine" and any other "broken appliances" they can think up as excuses.

Note- The "Mr Witchety Man" thing is taken from Manhunt. Some of the Smileys gang talk about him coming for their "head juice". He only exists in their deranged minds, so no real Mr Witchety Man.


	24. Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it...

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 24- Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last.

Southtown High School, last day before the Christmas holidays. Kula is taking part in a nitivity play, and her housemates, along with other parent/guardian types have been invited to watch. They've just had to endure nameless boys in bedsheets singing "God rest ye merry gentlemen" in high pitched voices. Now they all wait for the curtain to come up and the play to start.

Mai- Why the fuck are we here, this sucks. We all know the plot of the nativity, Mary gives birth to the supposed son of God, whilst weirdly enough still being a virgin.

Ralf- Maybe they'll surprise us with an alternate ending. I'm gonna stage dive a wise man later if anyone wants to join in. What's Kula's part again?

Bob- A sheep. Look, the curtain's coming up now. Wake me up when they're done.

The curtain rises, and we see a badly painted "desert scenery" background. A confused looking Chris, Kasumi and Dong Hwan run on, supposedly the three wise men. Jae Hoon stands behind them holding two halves of a coconut shell. The "wise men" carry gifts for our future lord and saviour, Gold (a ring belonging to Shermie), Frankenstein (a model of the famous monster) and a Sisters of Mercy CD (well, what the fuck is Myrrh anyway?) A crappy, bent paper star on a string is lowered down too far, hitting Jae Hoon.

Chris- We are the three wise men, and we must find the Virgin Hotaru... oops. Virgin Blue Mary.

Terry- Blue Mary's not a virgin, and I should know. It's the biblical Mary, you retard.

Kasumi- Yeah, what he said. Plus we're the wise woman plus two wise men.

Dong Hwan- Yeah whatever, shut up. The guiding star thingy's just hit Jae on the head, so we'd better ride if we want to get there in time to watch the birth of our lord.

Terry- This is a disaster. I remember when we had to do nativity plays too. I always got the sheep role too.

Ralf- Is there a script somewhere for this shit?

The three "wise men" pretend to ride on camels, with Jae Hoon clapping the coconuts together, Monty Python style. Scene changes to look like a stable, where Hotaru goes through unconvincing labour pains, while Rock (Joseph) looks on helplessly. Further back, Malin stands there holding a shepherds stick, and a miserable Kula sits down, looking nothing like the sheep she's supposed to be. Hotaru then pretends to perform the miracle birth, and pulls out a doll baby, waving it at the audience. Their teacher Seth can be seen at the back of the hall, smacking his head repeatedly into the wall in embarrassment.

Hotaru- It's a boy! It's god's kid! And I'm gonna call it Jesus Christ! YAY!

Gato- Jesus Christ, why give it a Mexican name when they're from Israel?

Malin- And who are you guys supposed to be? (the wise men turn up)

Chris- TA DAA! We are the two wise men plus a wise woman. And we've brought Christmas presents for our lord. Ignore the guy with the coconuts.

Kasumi- I'd just like to point out that, despite turning up out of nowhere to witness a woman giving birth, we are NOT perverts, OK.

Rock- And nothing for the rest of us? So what have you got, Gold, Frankenstein and...

Kula- Dong, what the hell's our saviour gonna want with a goth rock CD?

Dong Hwan- I don't know what Myrrh is. And they have a religious sounding band name. Aren't sheep supposed to be non speaking parts?

From here on in, the play degenerates into mayhem. Malin gets bored and seduces Rock, taking him backstage to "learn their lines". Kula and Jae Hoon, sick of non speaking extra roles, jump to the front of the stage to perform a duet of the best Xmas song ever, the Pogues plus Kirsty MacColl's "Fairytale Of New York". Joined by Gato, Mai and teacher Seth, Ralf climbs up to the top, and they stage dive the wise men.

Kula- (singing) You're a bum, you're a punk...

Jae Hoon- (Singing) You're an old slut on junk...

Hotaru- Hey, Joseph's just run off with Malin! Is this because I had god's baby? (throws the Jesus doll at Seth's head and walks off) I've had it with this.

Kula- (singing) You scumbag, you maggot. You cheap lousy faggot...

Next day, on Christmas Eve, the housemates are at home, preparing for Christmas. Kula plays in the garden with a patch of snow she made herself (the city's only patch of snow). Terry and Mai decorate a tree stolen from the local park. While Bob and Ralf share a festive joint and watch "Athena's Xmas Extravaganza", a cheesy Xmassy musical. Christmas hater Gato has shut himself away in his room, and booby trapped the door. A banner with "Happy Day of the Dead" half hangs from the front doorway. The shop had run out of Xmas signs when Ralf got there, and they didn't want to be the street's only house without decorations outside.

Mai- And now, for the finishing touch of the tree. A limited edition Mai Shiranui action figure to go on top in place of the fairy.

Terry- Your own damn action figure? I still say it'd be better with a Blue Mary figure on top. Mary does have a far more Christmassy name than you. Ralf, about the "Happy Day of the Dead" sign...

Ralf- I told you, it was that, or an inflatable musical Shingo. They ran out of outdoors Christmas decorations. Now, if you'll excuse me, this is the bit where Athena changes into a cute little Santa dress, and dances around with some elves.

Mai- They show this stupid movie every Christmas. Give cutesy little goody goody Athena a Christmas show, but me, oh no. My planned Xmas show had the stupid elves replaced with Chippendales in thongs, me dancing around a giant candy cane pole, and...

Terry- Christmas is a kids holiday, they can't have you corrupting it with sex and sleaze. Bob, what makes that particular joint more "festive" than all your others huh?

Bob- For a start, I used Christmas wrapping paper for it. And then, to give it that extra festive flavouring, there's just a hint of eggnog mixed in with the usual hash bred'ren. Hey Terry, Mai's left the room, you can put that Mary toy on the tree now. You seeing her for Christmas?

Terry- Thanks man. Yeah, we invited her over for dinner, with our friends.

Terry throws the Mai figure in the bin, and gently places Mary's figure in it's place on top, kissing it afterwards. As he leaves the room, they hear a weird noise coming from the fireplace, leading to the chimney. It's way too early for a non existent Santa to arrive, so the housemates are confused. Screaming is then heard, as someone comes tumbling down the chimney, landing in the fireplace. Wearing a soot and birdshit covered Santa suit (with beard hanging down his neck), it's him, the idiot boy, the brainless legend, yes indeedy it's...

Bob- Not YOU again Shingo!? Why can't you leave us alone? Don't involve us in your latest lunatic idea.

Ralf- What are you doing here anyway?

Shingo- I got a job at the mall as Father Christmas. So I figured I'd better start early, you know the whole going down chimneys thing. Doing every house in the world during one night, how does he manage? I couldn't find a reindeer, so Yamazaki's imaginary friend Steven the Camel's my replacement Rudolph.

Ralf- Aw you idiot! You're not the real Santa. You're only a pretend one for the kids.

Terry- Yeah. Your job is to sit kids on your lap while they tell you everything that they want, and hand out a dirt cheap stall afterwards.

Mai- And hopefully the kids won't do something like piss on your legs, or cry loudly non stop. You'd better go, and use the door this time. Hey! Who replaced my action figure fairy on the tree with ugly old Mary?!

Bob- Uh, it was the spirit of Terry's great grandfather, Humphrey Bogard. You know what Xmas is like with ghosts of the past coming to visit. I'm going to the kitchen before any more silly shit happens.

Shingo- OK, thanks guys. If it turns out I am the real life Santa, I'll see you again on... what's that night he comes again? I'm off now, Steven's calling me to hurry up.

After this, is a knock at the door. Gato's room being nearest, he has to go and answer it. He is very pissed off to discover that it is a group of enthusiastic carol singers. Worse, they are from the highly irritating Bao, May Lee and Hokutomaru, collecting money for charity. May Lee shakes a money tin in his face, while they murder "We wish you a Merry Christmas" as Bao plays an accordion in the background.

Gato- And what is supposed to be so merry about Christmas. I hate Christmas, Scrooge had it right, bah humbug! Stupid Christmas, stupid family who gave me "educational" presents every year.

Bao- Surely you don't mean that. Musn't be a Grinch, or no one will give you presents under the tree.

May Lee- It must be because I'm not in the house like I was meant to be, spreading happiness and cheer in a family friendly manner.

Gato- Oh Christ, not you again. Couldn't you just have died before. I hate Christmas, I hate charity and I hate you.

Hokutomaru- Come on, give us money. It's for a good cause, to get us three in as a team next KOF.

Gato- Hang on, hand me that tin. You haven't got very much so far, have you.

Shaking the tin for change, the sociopath then performs some of his many vicious kung fu manouveurs on the annoying trio. Thirty seconds later, they limp off crying, and Gato returns to his room with the tin of change. He then opens a cupboard, and places the tin inside, with many other change filled chairty tins he has "collected" from various other better causes than their one. Gato then goes into a nightmare flashback to childhood Christmases, where our young phsyco received crap like science kits and "Advanced Mathematics Made Fun" books year after year while little Hotaru always got the good stuff she wanted.

Later on, at the Southtown Shopping Mall, Terry is wandering around looking for presents to buy. She spots a long line of children outside a "Santa's Grotto" display, and Shingo in his suit sitting in the middle. A little girl sits on his lap, droning on and on about what he wants for Xmas. Yuri stands around smiling inanely, wearing a stripey elf costume, with silly hat and pointy shoes.

Girl- ...And then I want a Barbie which can fly, and a Playstation 2...and after that, right, gimme a...

Shingo- Time's up small child. Ho ho and, erm, ho I guess. (looks into his bag for a jumble sale quality toy to hand out, there's none left) Uhh, Santa's run out of toys to give out.

All children- (cries) WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shingo- QUIET! QUIET! I'll go get you something from the store. (runs to the nearest aisle) How about a pack of cigars? Take it, free of charge.

Girl- I don't want a... I mean, yes I do. I always wanted to try cigars. Thanks Santa Shingo.

Terry- What the hell?! Shingo, you can't give cigars to children!

Yuri- Yes he can. Manager said if we run out of toys, to get more stuff from the shelves. He didn't say it had to be certain stuff.

Terry- But he's... What's he giving that little boy? Oh no.

Shingo- And for you, this nice looking video with Mai on the cover.

Terry- That's hardcore porn! He's too young for "Mai's Red Hot Sex Lessons"! Oh I give up with you.

Terry leaves Shingo to carry on, and Kula's friend Malin pushes in front of the Santa queue, claiming that she's "dying of cancer" so must go first. Once on Shingo's lap, she squeezes his crotch tightly, while telling him everything she wants. Yuri goes off to fetch these, almost exclusively expensive designer goods, while Malin takes Shingo inside the Grotto to "continue their conversation". As Terry leaves the mall, Bob has been given the task of collecting Ralf from "La Illusion". He walks in, and finds the Ikari slumped over the bar, boring King with drunken tales of nonsense.

Ralf- I'm tellin' you, I know the truth. Santa Claus is evil... He's in league with Geese Howard, in their plan to abduct everybody and give them anal probes, involving turkey basters, jelly and combat boots up the arse...

King- Bob, take him home. He's drunk and talking shit again.

Ralf- But they'll never get me, oh no! And another thing, notice how my watch is ten minutes slow? That means that Santa and Geese have speeded up the rest of the world by ten minutes, in their mission to make me late for stuff...

Bob- Oh great! I have to drag him home, blind drunk and stinking of booze.

King- At least he's kept his clothes on this time. I don't know, Santa giving anal probes. It's too weird, even for me and I was once married to Lenny Creston for a month.

Bob- The macho biker chick with the whip? Even with your manly suits, I didn't think you were a lesbian.

King- I'm not, at least, I don't think I am. But those muscles, and that wide, manly chin, it's easy to mistake

Lenny for a man. What's disturbing is we had sex three times, and I still couldn't tell her gender.

Bob- Shutupshutup! Dont wanna know, sister girl! (drags Ralf out of the door) See you soon, bye. Yuck.

Ralf- Help! They got me, it's, oh it's you... Hey Bob, WHOAH! Since when were there four of you? Have you been hanging around with NESTS again?

Next day, the afternoon of Christmas Day. The housemates have opened their presents (even Gato got one, from Hotaru) and are sitting down at the table with friends (plus an drunk, shade wearing Irish guy with about three teeth left they found) for Christmas dinner. The only exception is Mai, who is supposed to be cooking the dinner. But, as Kula is sent to look for her, she hears excited noises coming from Mai's bedroom.

Kula- Mai, we're waiting for you to cook the turkey and stuff. Come on, you're the only one who can work the oven.

Mai- Mai- Wait! I'll be out later Kula. I'm "playing with my presents" right now. isn't that right boys?

AndyEiji- Yeah. Can we carry on now Mai?

Kula- Eww (goes to the living room) I think Mai's going to be a while.

Joe- You invited us over for Christmas dinner. What do we do now?

Ralf- I'll try. It can't be all that hard, this cooking business. Clark, come with me, I may need fire support.

The Ikari mercenaries enter the kitchen, and stare blankly at the cooker, with no idea how to operate it. Ralf tries to remember what Mai did to work it, but all that comes to him are images of her arse as she bent over to put things in. Nice though those images are, they are no help now, and Ralf and Clark are confused as to what to do next.

Clark- Got it, your friend Bob, he works in a restaraunt, right? Bob, how do you cook this stuff?

Bob- Ain't got a clue bred'ren. We always use microwaveable stuff at the Pao Pao.

Ralf- Worth a try. (they put all ingredients in the microwave, and set it to "nuke")

Three minutes later, the microwave blows up, with their food in it. As Sod's Law would have it, this is the moment that Mai finally chooses to come out of her room. She looks at the inedible mess that they have made, as Ralf and Clark look embarrassed.

Mai- What did you idiots do with the food? What happened to the microwave? You know I don't let people touch stuff in the kitchen, cooking is MY skill, it says so in my official KOF bio!

RalfClark- It was HIS fault! (point at each other)

Mai- Just get out, and try not to touch anything in here. Now, where's the number for Southtown Fried Chicken?

Mary- I can't believe you morons destroyed our dinner. I was looking forward to that.

Dong Hwan- We should make them pay for the SFC meal buckets we order.

Everyone else- YEAH!

RalfClark- Aww shit...

Later on, the SFC bucket meals, (turkey instead of chicken, as an Xmas special) arrive, and everyone gets down to eating and talking. SFC uses "Colonel Tarma", the man from Metal Slug as it's logo, and the slogan "Finger Flamin' Good". As this is going on, Terry and Mary go to a quiet corner near the tree, and Terry takes some plastic mistletoe out of his pocket. Mary was pleased to see her action figure on top of the tree acting as a fairy. And so, everyone enjoyed a good Chirstmas without any more silly shit, because Xmas specials demand that they do, and these guys deserve a break once in a while. Happy slightly later than normal Christmas everybody.

Note- I did not mean to deliberately offend Christians or anyone else with my equivalent of the Nativity play. Just to light heartedly poke fun at it, as I do many other things. And sorry if the ending's a bit limp, I was stuck how to end it, then copped out and went for the typical "And they had a Merry Xmas" theme.

Note 2- The title is another lyric from "Officially the Greastest Christmas Song Ever" Fairytale of New York. A song that sums up what Xmas is really about. All together now (sings) And the boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay, and the bells were ringing out, for Christmas Day...


	25. The XXX Rated Episode

KOF S(h)itcom Hell. Part 25- The XXX Rated Episode.

Sunday afternoon, and most of the guys are just waking up now. Mai lies on the couch ill with a cold, covered in duvets, drinking hot lemony stuff. Ralf is looking excitedly through a collection of "adult" videos starring various KOF women and girls they received by mail order. The phone rings, and Terry answers, it's Krauser the landlord.

Terry- Aw not you. It's not time for rent already is it?

Krauser- I'm not calling for rent. I need two of you social rejects to cover in the convenience store I own. My usual wage slave was injured yesterday when Yamazaki and his imaginary camel held the store up for Jaffa Cakes and rolls of tinfoil.

Terry- I can't come myself, Mai's ill... hey I know. Kula and Gato will come for you. They'll be down shortly.

Krauser- Thanks guys. (puts phone down)

Kula- And who says I'm going to work in his shop today! With Gato?

Bob- Well you can't stay here, sister girl. Me, Terry and Ralf got a whole collection of hardcore porn tapes to get through.

Mai- I'm ill, so I can't go. I must lie here and be pampered. He needs two of you, and Gato's a social reject, just like Krauser asked for. "COUGH"! "COUGH"!

Kula- GATO! Wakey wakey! Me and you've just been "volunteered" to run Krauser's store today!

Gato- Zzzzz... Huh! Come back Vice... Aw it was just a dream again. What do you mean I'm going to work?

Shortly afterwards, Kula and Gato arrive at Krauser's convenience store to begin their shift. The German noble landlord explains things to them. Both temporary employees wear ugly purple uniform shirts, and badges with their names on.

Krauser- OK guys, there's 50 for each of you, plus your shares of this month's rent knocked off for this. I'll leave you to it, don't let me down.

Gato- Alright Kula, just so you know, I'm the shopkeeper, you're the lowly assistant. In fact... (takes a magic marker, and writes "ASSISTANT" on Kula's shirt)

Kula- I hate you Gato... hey, a customer. Hi Chris, can I help you?

Gato- You're the assistant, I do the talking. What do you want you little shit?

Chris- (fake deep voice) Uhh, can I have some (goes bright red) uhh, cigarretes? I'm forty two.

Kula- You're not... Mpph! (Gato shuts her up)

Gato- Of course you can kid. Here. (hands Chris the ciggies, and takes the money) Run along now. I'm just too nice that's my problem. Now where's the phone.

Kula- What are you up to now you weirdo? You've just broken the law.

Gato- Hello police, I wanna report an underaged kid buying cigarretes. It's Chris, the little Orochi girly boy, I expect him to be doing life in the Black Hole of Calcutta for this... Erm, who sold them to him? That's right, Kula. He used Orochi mind tricks on her to... What do you mean this is a waste of police time! Don't you hang up you pig! Damn! I try and do my bit as a responsible citizen, and what happens?

Back at the house, Terry, Ralf and Bob all sit in front of the TV with the set of unrated "adult" videos they got from mail order. An ill Mai is asleep on the couch, drugged up with medicine. The tapes come with very promising titles, and sexy pictures of their main female stars. Despite this, they can't help but feel disappointed so far with the first one, "Bonne Jenet's Big Jugs". The usually sexy pirate woman with a body to rival Mai's is now wearing baggy overalls, and holding up pots to the screen, discussing them.

Ralf- This isn't very erotic yet. Jenet doesn't usually wear this many clothes, even on a cold day.

Bob- Yeah, and what's with all the pottery? We don't want a documentary about this shit. Ralf, fast forward it a bit. See if we can find the good stuff. Maybe this is the attempt at plot before the sex.

Ralf- (after a minutes fast forwarding) Here we go, we've got a man coming on now. It's Robert Garcia. He's taking a wad of money out, this could be it. He's giving her the cash. Come on, come on...

Terry- And she's handed him an antique pot. It's a sale. Shit. Let me see the box (reads the back) "The lovely Bonne Jenet discusses 15th century French pottery, showing off an impressive set of jugs".

Bob- This is rubbish! Let's get another one on. This sounds pretty sexy. "Vice and Mature Get It On". The box says something about appliances, but come on. Can't get a much more suggestive title than that. Come on my beauties...

Terry- Hey, maybe "appliances" is an innocent sounding word to tell us they're using really hot sex toys.

The guys put this tape in, and get very excited. On screen, the sexy secretaries are dressed in safety issue boilersuits, and standing in front of a washing machine. They move closer to the screen, big stupid grins on their faces, drooling slightly.

Ralf- I get it. They're at the house of some man, or perhaps woman, in the typical "fix your broken applaince" plotline. Any moment now those suits will come off and there'll be a really exciting threesome.

Terry- (a few minutes later) I wish they'd get on with it. They're just kinda pressing buttons on different appliances. And I haven't seen this third person yet.

Bob- (a while later) Wait, read the back, bred'ren. "The gorgeous Orochi secretaries teach you the viewers how to switch on various household electrical appliances." Oh for fuck's sake.

Mai- Ha ha. You guys got crap porn. Serves you right for being perverts. And getting horny over women who aren't as sexy as me. Ha ha ha... "COUGH COUGH"!

Mai gets a pillow thrown into her head, but she's right. This so called "porn" is indeed crap. It was a mail order scam to shift rubbish that would otherwise be sold for a dollar in bargain bins. At the shop, Kula and Gato read through the papers, bored. As it's sunday, they're not very busy until Chang Koehan and Choi Bounge come, and puts a big pile of various sweets, cakes, and various high fat snack foods on the counter.

Chang- All this, plus a can of Diet Coke, 'Cause Kim's making me cut down on calories. Not a word to Kim about all this OK? Or the stolen chequebook I'm now gonna pay you with.

Kula- We can't take stolen cheques... (Gato hits her) OWW!

Gato- Quiet lowly assistant! Go mop the floor! Now, just make that cheque payable to Mr Gato Futaba.

Choi- Futaba? Any relation to Hotaru? She's so cute.

Gato- Uh, no! Who's she? Never heard of her! She's not here is she! I'm not her brother! Lies, all lies! She's stalking me, she's mad I tell ya... not that I know her of course! Uhh, moving on.

Kula- Don't mind him, he's a social reject. Now, if you were to give a generous tip to the assistant, I'm sure Kim need never hear about that chequebook.

Chang- Alright, but only 'cause it's Kim's own chequebook. Now, you haven't seen us, OK?

A short while later, the temporary shopkeepers see "I'm not Tetsuo, honest" NESTS clone K9999 lurking suspiciously around the shelves, putting items into the pockets of a long trenchcoat. As the clone tries to slip through the door, Kula uses her ice powers to trip him up. K9999 falls over, snacks, magazines, drinks and bargain bin DVDs fall out of his pockets.

Kula- Got you you shoplifter! Gato, I caught a thief! It's Akira's Tetsuo, the freak I used to work with at NESTS! Get me the hitting stick from under the counter!

K9999- I dare ya Kula! I am your superior! I'm the 9999th Kyo clone, I'm special! I'm pure evil, you can't... (Gato hands her the hitting stick) NOOOO! Please... AIIIEEEEE! (Kula beats him repeatedly)

Kula- This is what you get for shoplifting small easily hidden items! You've had this coming a long time Tetsuo boy! You always were an unpleasant arsehole, ever since NESTS! (hits him over and over again)

Gato- Go Kula, teach him a lesson. And let that be a warning to all who dare attempt to steal from... (sees Vice helping herself to a bottle of vodka) oh hello Vice. You're looking gorgeous today, as always.

Vice- I was gonna pay, really.

Gato- Don't worry about a little thing like that. No one as sexy as you can possibly be bad. Go on, help yourself to whatever you like in the shop. For free. And then we could go behind the frozen food section for mad, passionate lovemaking involving one of those whipped cream spray cans...

With Gato lost in his fantasies, Vice leaves the store pushing an entire shelf full of stock through the door. After this, K9999 limps away in pain, empty handed, having received a damn good thrashing. At home, the guys still have not given up hope of a night of x rated hardcore filth. Moving onto the next video, this one sounds very good indeed, as it has the promise of nudity at the very least.

Bob- Bred'rens, this tape sounds interesting, "Athena's Nude Class". Hey, we should get to see some skin here.

Ralf- Look. Co starring Jhun Hoon. I heard they're having a steamy affair. This movie can't possibly suck.

Terry- OK, here we go, Athena's entering the class, looking cute in her schoolgirl uniform. There's Jhun standing in the middle of the room. She sits down. NO! What's he doing! This isn't right!

Mai- He's taking his clothes off... ooh yeah, he's gonna get those boxers off. Come on, don't be shy, strip for Mai... YES! "COUGHCOUGHCOUGH"!

Bob- AAH! Naked Jhun standing in the middle of a class! Ah well, at least this means Athena has to strip now, and then they make love, and maybe those other students all join in for an orgy.

Ralf- (a few minutes later) I don't think that's what happens. She's just kinda sitting there, with a sketchbook, drawing his nude body. Fuck it, it's a nude life drawing class!

All three men- EWWWWW! close up on Jhun!

Mai- Hooray! Now I know what Athena sees in him. She has taste, I'll admit that. YAY! Another close up! "COUGH COUGH"!

Seeing far more of Jhun than they'd like to, the guys turn this video off. They then examine the rest of the tapes before watching anything else. Reading the backs of them, they realise that they've been had. Having paid a stupidly high amount of money for this shit, they feel embarrassed, and angry at what they ended up with. Between coughing fits, Mai is laughing her head off at them.

Terry- This is a scam! We've been had! They're all pretend porno crap!

Mai- Got that right. I see sexier stuff on one of my quiet nights in. "COUGH"! I did enjoy that Jhun one though, I wonder if there's a sequel?

Ralf- Look at this one. "Nakoruru: Innocence Lost". It says here, "A moving drama in which the adorable Nakoruru finds herself wrongly accused of being a spy to Capcom". It's a shitty TV movie disguised as porn!

Bob- We bought the entire collection of tapes, and they all suck! (the door is kicked open) Piss off... hi Krauser! Didn't expect you here!

Krauser- OK guys, it's that time again. I collected Mai's share of the rent last week at my birthday party. If you know what I mean. And Gato and Kula are in the shop.

Terry- Come on Krauser, we're a bit short this week. We had to fix the hot water which you never do anything about.

Krauser- Not my problem, I don't use your hot water, do I? (sees the tapes) Hey, what are these? Are you watching pornography in my property! Great! Whoah, these titles sound really sexy.

Bob- It's not what it looks like. Really, they're not...

Krauser- Tell you what. I'll take all these videos and borrow them for an indefinite amount of time, and we'll call it even on the rent for now. Deal, OK bye.

Krauser leaves with all the unwanted videos, thinking he's in for a night of seriously hot sex scenes. The guys roll about on the floor laughing, as Kula and Gato come into the room.

Kula- Guys, what's so funny? Is it crappy porn movie "acting"?

Mai- No... Krauser's walked away with a load of dud tapes as payment for the rent "COUGH"!

Ralf- He's gonna be sooo disappointed. We gave him a load of crap porn.

At his castle in the suburbs just outside Southtown, Krauser is ready for a night of erotic movie action. First, he has chosen the video "Vanessa Takes It Each End", which is nowhere near as good as it sounds. It features the sexy redhead, during her little known, short term job as a motorbike courier, delivering a package from one end of Southtown to the other.

Krauser- Come on, we've gotta see some action soon. OK, she's at least taken her crash helmet off to deliver the package. Surely now the rest of her courier outfit has to come off. Hey, it's Blue Mary, this is getting good. I always fighured she was a dirty girl with "Blue" in her name.

Shortly afterwards, the scene changes. Nothing sexy yet, but the landlord remains hopeful. He rubs his hands in anticipation for what he believes must surely come next.

Krauser- Here they go, into Mary's office. She's inviting Vanessa in for coffee, that's always a good sign. We know what "coffee" leads to in these films. Yes, yes... aw no. They're just having coffee and a bit of a chat. And it's the end. Bugger. What's next.

Through the night, he goes through every tape in the collection. With not even the briefest moment of erotica, Krauser vows to make his housemates suffer deeply for this, once he regains the will to live.

Note- I'd like to apologise to my fellow males for building up their hopes and expectations, only to cut them down so brutally. Sorry guys.


End file.
